Pressing Onward!

I made a decision. Neither of the bags will be purchased. The Vicki Lawrence is just not the right style for me- it makes me feel like I should be joining a weekly Mahjongg group and taking Black Cohosh. The lovely gray bag? Well, it’s a functional thing. I can deal with a flap, but a flap that threads through a ring and back around and well, just no. Trust me, it hurts deep down inside. (You should buy it, though!)

I spent my entire birthday afternoon shopping for a handbag. To some, this might seem like a birthday well spent, but to me, it was a little taste of hellfire. Handbag Shopping: Melted Tastebuds and Satan! My idea of shopping is scouring the internet in my pajamas until the possibly perfect item has been located. Then, AND ONLY THEN, will I venture out into the great beyond to fondle said item in person.

Though, it’s my birthday! Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll find the perfect handbag! And Wito will be gloriously happy strapped into a stroller for hours on end!


I went everywhere. Two malls, 5 department stores, numerous boutiques and Barneys CO-OP, where I tried on these and almost threw the purse idea out the window completely. (And did you notice? Gray leather. Gray leather equals peaceful love, y’all. Write that down.) I searched and searched and schlepped Wito’s ass around town (who was an angel in the midst of hellfire, actually) and I came to a brilliant conclusion.

There are lot of disgustingly ugly bags out there.

So ugly, in fact, that I pulled out my camera phone and started taking pictures of the offenders. My day was starting to look up at this point, chuckling to myself while secretly snapping photos of fug. Whoorl readers will love this shit! It’s genius! This was a highly dangerous situation for me, as I am a Rule Abider. Last I checked, you aren’t supposed to snap photos of merchandise in retail stores and I do not enjoy breaking the rules, people. Jaywalking makes me nervous. Yet, here I was pushing around a toddler and snapping photos of merchandise while 213 sales associates meandered around. I particularly enjoyed my photo-taking approach, as if I was texting, but the glaring lights were so bright that I just HAD to hold it up right in front of my face to properly see the screen. Yes! Just texting, sales associates! Nothing to see here! Move along!

I finished up my illegal activities, met up for a playdate in the park, and somewhere along the way changed my mind about showing you the photos. Because I, Whoorl of Peaceful Love, am a kind person, and it could be feasible that one of the offending fugs could be the purse you are currently carrying on your shoulder. And I, Whoorl of Peaceful Love, would not do that.

(Unlike commenter #5, Sadie, who told me my bag was “fucking heinous”. On my birthday! The Day of My Birth! Of 33 years! Harsh, Sadie. Harsh.)

What have we learned here, folks? Well, I’m not sure either, but mark my words. I will find the gray leather bag of my dreams. Oh yes, I will. And it will be a glorious day.

  • All Adither

    November 7, 2007 at 6:14 am

    Sorry about your wasted afternoon. Am stunned you have a child who would last through all that shopping. Two stores and we’re done.

  • Pam

    November 7, 2007 at 7:19 am

    Aw, I hate it when you have money to spend and can’t find anything you want to spend it on.

    Hope you had a great birthday anyway!

  • Sadie

    November 7, 2007 at 6:51 am

    Whoorl, I’m sorry. I have my period. Maybe I was a little…vitriolic…about your Vicki. (but I didn’t say *heinous,* I said hideous.) I just always think you are the arbiter of good taste and then…you showed me that pocketbook. It’s not like you. Where is that cute stripey Kate Spade? That is the Whoorl I know and love.

    Again, Happy Birthday! And don’t act like you’re not tough enough to take a little handbag criticism, you delicate flower, you. I’m pretty sure you’ve said meaner things to the TV during March Madness. ;)

    Apology accepted….it’s just that my very sensitive and deep feelings run well, very deep. Bwahhaaaaaa. I promise not to disappoint – I have a bag on its way from Brooklyn that I think you will appreciate.

  • am'ti b

    November 7, 2007 at 7:01 am

    love the boots, i vote for the boots as what you need now! do they fit your leg? if so i may be on my way now to purchase! good luck with the bag search, bags suck right now, why? however,i will send a pic of my totally obnoxious and i am sure unnecessary diaper bag choice to you.

    Yes! They fit my calves! It was a miracle. But they didn’t have anything under a 10. The gal’s gonna call me next week. They were so BUTTERY SOFT.

  • melati

    November 7, 2007 at 7:11 am

    Hey! Yesterday was my birthday too! And I got a handbag too!
    A beautiful chocolate brown Balenciaga. They had some in gray leather ones at Niemans….check it out, man.

  • Lara

    November 7, 2007 at 7:17 am

    So wait – no bag was purchased for your birthday? Not a one? poor you! But I totally understand the flap that goes through a loop and back issue. Gah. Hey, this is random, but I used to refer to your “Things Whoorl Can’t Live Without” when purchasing baby gifts. Do you still have it up somewhere? OR, do you mind shooting me an email with the stuff you couldn’t live without when Wito was a newborn?

    A handbag has been purchased and is finding its way across the country! *happy dance*

    Here’s the link to the baby list:


  • Nilsa S.

    November 7, 2007 at 7:17 am

    No day spent shopping is wasted. Even if you walk away empty handed. Consider it further refinement of your tastes. Happy Birthday Week, girls!

  • Kate

    November 7, 2007 at 7:21 am

    I am trying to form the words “forget the bag and buy the boots” but I am so GOBSMACKED by the buttery leather and perfect, perfect, perfectness of the boots I am not sure will make it. I mean, they have no heel. Do you know how hard it is to find the perfect boot with no heel? It is hard. I hope they get your size soon.

  • sizzle

    November 7, 2007 at 7:23 am

    the reason there are so many bags is because so many of us have different taste. something for everyone!

    does that mean some of those bags aren’t buttugly? no!


  • Kristabella

    November 7, 2007 at 7:50 am

    You can’t take photos of things in stores. Like that you don’t buy?

    Um, whoops.

  • Bren

    November 7, 2007 at 7:56 am

    Have a great birthday!!!
    Feliz Cumpleaños!!

  • Laura

    November 7, 2007 at 8:17 am

    I’m loving Miu Miu right now – but it might not be classic enough. Also, it seems all the department stores are having sales right now. In fact, Neiman Marcus has a private sale where most regularly priced merch is 30% off. Just for today. I think Saks has a similar sale (on-line better selection).

    Tis the season (almost) and I can’t stop shopping for myself.

    Just something to share…

  • Laura

    November 7, 2007 at 8:17 am

    OH AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY (sorry I was overtaken by my shopping nonsense!)

  • sunny

    November 7, 2007 at 8:50 am

    this is really exciting, I love the hand bag decision drama! Yay and happy birthday. 33 is blast. no, seriously!

  • Miguelina (Reluctant Housewife)

    November 7, 2007 at 9:59 am

    We will be there with you, Whoorl girl, in your search for purse nirvana.

    (Can you tell I love these kinds of posts? I feel like we’re out shopping together, you, me and all 1,456,873* of your daily readers. So fun!)

    *So I hacked into your stats. Sue me.

  • Angela

    November 7, 2007 at 9:00 am

    Wow, you are such a nice person! That’s quite hard to come by in internet-land these days…

    Anyway, can’t wait to hear more about the final decision!

  • Miguelina (Reluctant Housewife)

    November 7, 2007 at 10:01 am

    I just clicked on the boots link…you don’t need those babies out there in sunny LA. I think the Boston girls should take those off your hands.

  • amy

    November 7, 2007 at 9:41 am

    oh i was so looking fwd to the fug bags!
    i can’t think of anything worse then shopping on my bday…or any day! i have gotten so spoiled by internet shopping…there is just no reason to drive in traffic, park, weave in and out of slow idiots who take there precious time browsing…waiting in line…my patience just isn’t there anymore for shopping…i guess malls its even worse.
    but i am sure a sprinkles cupcake made you forget all about that purse shopping hell!
    hope you found a purse!

  • andrea

    November 7, 2007 at 9:45 am

    The boots are divine. Perhaps not practical for sloshing through puddles in my fine city, but beautiful non-the-less. I can’t wait to see the handbag finally purchased.

    Really you should re-think posting the photos of the offending bags. I am dying to see what is out there this year. My lovely toddler wouldn’t sit still long enough for me to even think about handbag shopping so I am clueless to what I am missing out on.

  • Kate P

    November 7, 2007 at 10:44 am

    I am so relieved that you didn’t get either of those bags. Wait, that sounded wrong, because I liked them both. But, you seemed less than committed in your last post to the LV (which obviously, you were) and the gray got the negative Whoorl Reader Review. I will be keeping my fingers crossed that the boots are available in your size soon. Those are far too fantastic to pass up. Happy (belated) birthday. And anniversary, too.

  • rebecca

    November 7, 2007 at 10:59 am

    So, do tell: which handbag did you order???? Don’t be keepin’ us in the dark.

  • jen

    November 7, 2007 at 11:55 am

    You suffer from the “I really want to buy something, therefore everything is totally fugly and gross”. I know this feeling only too well. The perfect bag will find you, when you least expect it.

  • Maya

    November 7, 2007 at 12:12 pm

    I have been searching for the One True Purse for….about six months. So far, I’ve canoodled with Coach, passed over Prada (have one, over it) liked-not-loved Louis, etc. Suffice to say, I feel your deep and aching pain for I too, would like to get something cute/not too trendy that it will be out of style in 6 months/sans top flap/not black. Looking forward to the Bags of Fugly.

    PS Could I request something: More Wito pictures/videos! I like to torture myself with his impossible cuteness and blue, blue eyes.

  • janet

    November 7, 2007 at 1:00 pm

    when you are ready to sell it secondhand to a poor soul named Janet who is also lusting for a gray leather purse but cannot afford one, please please do let me know

  • Miss Peach

    November 7, 2007 at 2:57 pm

    I don’t think there is such a thing as the perfect purse. This is my latest, though, and it’s coming close. Perhaps you will like too? I have the Jane in black, but they have a gunmetal that, though not leather, is very cool.


  • Elizabeth

    November 7, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    Don’t know if this is your style, but I saw it and thought of you…

  • Michelle

    November 7, 2007 at 6:50 pm

    Glad to hear that your bitchin’ bag is making its way across the country…will you show us the one you chose? You have the power to inspire millions, Whoorl…home decor, hair styles, handbags, fashion, shoes…I’m just saying :o) High praises for you, dear Whoorl!

  • Spandrel Studios

    November 7, 2007 at 7:27 pm

    A bag is on its way from Brooklyn, you say? Hope it arrives in record time so you can enjoy it right away, at least during your birthaversary month!

    There must have been something in the air today – after much fruitless searching at the mall, I found a bag I’d been lusting after for a few months… it is not gray, but moss green in soft, slouchy yet semi-structured leather (great for redheads – yay!).

  • Tracey

    November 7, 2007 at 10:50 pm

    I feel your pain. I was given a beautiful handbag for my birthday, and when I showed it to another girlfriend she called it hideous! I was shattered…..the bag now rarely sees the light of day.

  • angie

    November 8, 2007 at 5:46 am

    I am sure that Coach has a gray leather bag on their website that you could love. My husband just replaced my 14 year old coach online, and I, who hate purse shopping, replacing, etc., am a very happy camper.

  • Nothing But Bonfires

    November 8, 2007 at 9:37 am

    I had a DREAM about the Vicki Lawrence. It was so weird. I was in a mall in New Jersey and I decided to buy it, but just as the sales associate was ringing it up, I changed my mind and asked her if she could reverse the transaction. But somehow I’d already got a big green STAIN on the bag, and she wouldn’t. And then she turned into Chris from Notes From the Trenches, and we walked through the mall together, which turned into a subway station in New York, where I caught a subway with Metalia, except the doors closed before I could get on the train with her and it left without me and we were waving frantically and mouthing SEE YOU AT THE NEXT STOP.

    I seriously have to stop reading blogs.

  • Kate Cavendish

    November 8, 2007 at 10:45 am

    Have you seen the Vicki Lawrence that has a long flap and looks like a vertical messenger bag? I love mine because I can sling it across my body but it’s still –ahem– ladylike! I love the renamed VL–so much hipper than LV.

  • Nila

    November 8, 2007 at 9:28 pm

    That grey leather sounds perfect. I love grey. I’ll look forward to seeing what you find. Good luck, as if you would need it.

  • Isabel

    November 9, 2007 at 4:57 pm


    (I always want to take picture of things I HATE for the internet, but then I remember that someone, somewhere probably loves it. It’s hard to be so nice.)

  • BeachMama

    November 9, 2007 at 6:44 pm

    Happy Belated Birthday. I look forward to finding out which purse you settled with. And I would have loved to see the offending purses :).