Pressing Onward!

I made a decision. Neither of the bags will be purchased. The Vicki Lawrence is just not the right style for me- it makes me feel like I should be joining a weekly Mahjongg group and taking Black Cohosh. The lovely gray bag? Well, it’s a functional thing. I can deal with a flap, but a flap that threads through a ring and back around and well, just no. Trust me, it hurts deep down inside. (You should buy it, though!)

I spent my entire birthday afternoon shopping for a handbag. To some, this might seem like a birthday well spent, but to me, it was a little taste of hellfire. Handbag Shopping: Melted Tastebuds and Satan! My idea of shopping is scouring the internet in my pajamas until the possibly perfect item has been located. Then, AND ONLY THEN, will I venture out into the great beyond to fondle said item in person.

Though, it’s my birthday! Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll find the perfect handbag! And Wito will be gloriously happy strapped into a stroller for hours on end!


I went everywhere. Two malls, 5 department stores, numerous boutiques and Barneys CO-OP, where I tried on these and almost threw the purse idea out the window completely. (And did you notice? Gray leather. Gray leather equals peaceful love, y’all. Write that down.) I searched and searched and schlepped Wito’s ass around town (who was an angel in the midst of hellfire, actually) and I came to a brilliant conclusion.

There are lot of disgustingly ugly bags out there.

So ugly, in fact, that I pulled out my camera phone and started taking pictures of the offenders. My day was starting to look up at this point, chuckling to myself while secretly snapping photos of fug. Whoorl readers will love this shit! It’s genius! This was a highly dangerous situation for me, as I am a Rule Abider. Last I checked, you aren’t supposed to snap photos of merchandise in retail stores and I do not enjoy breaking the rules, people. Jaywalking makes me nervous. Yet, here I was pushing around a toddler and snapping photos of merchandise while 213 sales associates meandered around. I particularly enjoyed my photo-taking approach, as if I was texting, but the glaring lights were so bright that I just HAD to hold it up right in front of my face to properly see the screen. Yes! Just texting, sales associates! Nothing to see here! Move along!

I finished up my illegal activities, met up for a playdate in the park, and somewhere along the way changed my mind about showing you the photos. Because I, Whoorl of Peaceful Love, am a kind person, and it could be feasible that one of the offending fugs could be the purse you are currently carrying on your shoulder. And I, Whoorl of Peaceful Love, would not do that.

(Unlike commenter #5, Sadie, who told me my bag was “fucking heinous”. On my birthday! The Day of My Birth! Of 33 years! Harsh, Sadie. Harsh.)

What have we learned here, folks? Well, I’m not sure either, but mark my words. I will find the gray leather bag of my dreams. Oh yes, I will. And it will be a glorious day.

  1. Angela

    November 7, 2007 at 9:00 am

    Wow, you are such a nice person! That’s quite hard to come by in internet-land these days…

    Anyway, can’t wait to hear more about the final decision!

  2. Miguelina (Reluctant Housewife)

    November 7, 2007 at 10:01 am

    I just clicked on the boots link…you don’t need those babies out there in sunny LA. I think the Boston girls should take those off your hands.

  3. amy

    November 7, 2007 at 9:41 am

    oh i was so looking fwd to the fug bags!
    i can’t think of anything worse then shopping on my bday…or any day! i have gotten so spoiled by internet shopping…there is just no reason to drive in traffic, park, weave in and out of slow idiots who take there precious time browsing…waiting in line…my patience just isn’t there anymore for shopping…i guess malls its even worse.
    but i am sure a sprinkles cupcake made you forget all about that purse shopping hell!
    hope you found a purse!

  4. andrea

    November 7, 2007 at 9:45 am

    The boots are divine. Perhaps not practical for sloshing through puddles in my fine city, but beautiful non-the-less. I can’t wait to see the handbag finally purchased.

    Really you should re-think posting the photos of the offending bags. I am dying to see what is out there this year. My lovely toddler wouldn’t sit still long enough for me to even think about handbag shopping so I am clueless to what I am missing out on.

  5. Kate P

    November 7, 2007 at 10:44 am

    I am so relieved that you didn’t get either of those bags. Wait, that sounded wrong, because I liked them both. But, you seemed less than committed in your last post to the LV (which obviously, you were) and the gray got the negative Whoorl Reader Review. I will be keeping my fingers crossed that the boots are available in your size soon. Those are far too fantastic to pass up. Happy (belated) birthday. And anniversary, too.

  6. rebecca

    November 7, 2007 at 10:59 am

    So, do tell: which handbag did you order???? Don’t be keepin’ us in the dark.

  7. jen

    November 7, 2007 at 11:55 am

    You suffer from the “I really want to buy something, therefore everything is totally fugly and gross”. I know this feeling only too well. The perfect bag will find you, when you least expect it.

  8. Maya

    November 7, 2007 at 12:12 pm

    I have been searching for the One True Purse for….about six months. So far, I’ve canoodled with Coach, passed over Prada (have one, over it) liked-not-loved Louis, etc. Suffice to say, I feel your deep and aching pain for I too, would like to get something cute/not too trendy that it will be out of style in 6 months/sans top flap/not black. Looking forward to the Bags of Fugly.

    PS Could I request something: More Wito pictures/videos! I like to torture myself with his impossible cuteness and blue, blue eyes.

  9. janet

    November 7, 2007 at 1:00 pm

    when you are ready to sell it secondhand to a poor soul named Janet who is also lusting for a gray leather purse but cannot afford one, please please do let me know

  10. Miss Peach

    November 7, 2007 at 2:57 pm

    I don’t think there is such a thing as the perfect purse. This is my latest, though, and it’s coming close. Perhaps you will like too? I have the Jane in black, but they have a gunmetal that, though not leather, is very cool.


  11. Elizabeth

    November 7, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    Don’t know if this is your style, but I saw it and thought of you…

  12. Michelle

    November 7, 2007 at 6:50 pm

    Glad to hear that your bitchin’ bag is making its way across the country…will you show us the one you chose? You have the power to inspire millions, Whoorl…home decor, hair styles, handbags, fashion, shoes…I’m just saying :o) High praises for you, dear Whoorl!

  13. Spandrel Studios

    November 7, 2007 at 7:27 pm

    A bag is on its way from Brooklyn, you say? Hope it arrives in record time so you can enjoy it right away, at least during your birthaversary month!

    There must have been something in the air today – after much fruitless searching at the mall, I found a bag I’d been lusting after for a few months… it is not gray, but moss green in soft, slouchy yet semi-structured leather (great for redheads – yay!).

  14. Tracey

    November 7, 2007 at 10:50 pm

    I feel your pain. I was given a beautiful handbag for my birthday, and when I showed it to another girlfriend she called it hideous! I was shattered…..the bag now rarely sees the light of day.

  15. angie

    November 8, 2007 at 5:46 am

    I am sure that Coach has a gray leather bag on their website that you could love. My husband just replaced my 14 year old coach online, and I, who hate purse shopping, replacing, etc., am a very happy camper.