Pressing Onward!

I made a decision. Neither of the bags will be purchased. The Vicki Lawrence is just not the right style for me- it makes me feel like I should be joining a weekly Mahjongg group and taking Black Cohosh. The lovely gray bag? Well, it’s a functional thing. I can deal with a flap, but a flap that threads through a ring and back around and well, just no. Trust me, it hurts deep down inside. (You should buy it, though!)

I spent my entire birthday afternoon shopping for a handbag. To some, this might seem like a birthday well spent, but to me, it was a little taste of hellfire. Handbag Shopping: Melted Tastebuds and Satan! My idea of shopping is scouring the internet in my pajamas until the possibly perfect item has been located. Then, AND ONLY THEN, will I venture out into the great beyond to fondle said item in person.

Though, it’s my birthday! Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll find the perfect handbag! And Wito will be gloriously happy strapped into a stroller for hours on end!


I went everywhere. Two malls, 5 department stores, numerous boutiques and Barneys CO-OP, where I tried on these and almost threw the purse idea out the window completely. (And did you notice? Gray leather. Gray leather equals peaceful love, y’all. Write that down.) I searched and searched and schlepped Wito’s ass around town (who was an angel in the midst of hellfire, actually) and I came to a brilliant conclusion.

There are lot of disgustingly ugly bags out there.

So ugly, in fact, that I pulled out my camera phone and started taking pictures of the offenders. My day was starting to look up at this point, chuckling to myself while secretly snapping photos of fug. Whoorl readers will love this shit! It’s genius! This was a highly dangerous situation for me, as I am a Rule Abider. Last I checked, you aren’t supposed to snap photos of merchandise in retail stores and I do not enjoy breaking the rules, people. Jaywalking makes me nervous. Yet, here I was pushing around a toddler and snapping photos of merchandise while 213 sales associates meandered around. I particularly enjoyed my photo-taking approach, as if I was texting, but the glaring lights were so bright that I just HAD to hold it up right in front of my face to properly see the screen. Yes! Just texting, sales associates! Nothing to see here! Move along!

I finished up my illegal activities, met up for a playdate in the park, and somewhere along the way changed my mind about showing you the photos. Because I, Whoorl of Peaceful Love, am a kind person, and it could be feasible that one of the offending fugs could be the purse you are currently carrying on your shoulder. And I, Whoorl of Peaceful Love, would not do that.

(Unlike commenter #5, Sadie, who told me my bag was “fucking heinous”. On my birthday! The Day of My Birth! Of 33 years! Harsh, Sadie. Harsh.)

What have we learned here, folks? Well, I’m not sure either, but mark my words. I will find the gray leather bag of my dreams. Oh yes, I will. And it will be a glorious day.

  1. All Adither

    November 7, 2007 at 6:14 am

    Sorry about your wasted afternoon. Am stunned you have a child who would last through all that shopping. Two stores and we’re done.

  2. Pam

    November 7, 2007 at 7:19 am

    Aw, I hate it when you have money to spend and can’t find anything you want to spend it on.

    Hope you had a great birthday anyway!

  3. Sadie

    November 7, 2007 at 6:51 am

    Whoorl, I’m sorry. I have my period. Maybe I was a little…vitriolic…about your Vicki. (but I didn’t say *heinous,* I said hideous.) I just always think you are the arbiter of good taste and then…you showed me that pocketbook. It’s not like you. Where is that cute stripey Kate Spade? That is the Whoorl I know and love.

    Again, Happy Birthday! And don’t act like you’re not tough enough to take a little handbag criticism, you delicate flower, you. I’m pretty sure you’ve said meaner things to the TV during March Madness. ;)

    Apology accepted….it’s just that my very sensitive and deep feelings run well, very deep. Bwahhaaaaaa. I promise not to disappoint – I have a bag on its way from Brooklyn that I think you will appreciate.

  4. am'ti b

    November 7, 2007 at 7:01 am

    love the boots, i vote for the boots as what you need now! do they fit your leg? if so i may be on my way now to purchase! good luck with the bag search, bags suck right now, why? however,i will send a pic of my totally obnoxious and i am sure unnecessary diaper bag choice to you.

    Yes! They fit my calves! It was a miracle. But they didn’t have anything under a 10. The gal’s gonna call me next week. They were so BUTTERY SOFT.

  5. melati

    November 7, 2007 at 7:11 am

    Hey! Yesterday was my birthday too! And I got a handbag too!
    A beautiful chocolate brown Balenciaga. They had some in gray leather ones at Niemans….check it out, man.

  6. Lara

    November 7, 2007 at 7:17 am

    So wait – no bag was purchased for your birthday? Not a one? poor you! But I totally understand the flap that goes through a loop and back issue. Gah. Hey, this is random, but I used to refer to your “Things Whoorl Can’t Live Without” when purchasing baby gifts. Do you still have it up somewhere? OR, do you mind shooting me an email with the stuff you couldn’t live without when Wito was a newborn?

    A handbag has been purchased and is finding its way across the country! *happy dance*

    Here’s the link to the baby list:


  7. Nilsa S.

    November 7, 2007 at 7:17 am

    No day spent shopping is wasted. Even if you walk away empty handed. Consider it further refinement of your tastes. Happy Birthday Week, girls!

  8. Kate

    November 7, 2007 at 7:21 am

    I am trying to form the words “forget the bag and buy the boots” but I am so GOBSMACKED by the buttery leather and perfect, perfect, perfectness of the boots I am not sure will make it. I mean, they have no heel. Do you know how hard it is to find the perfect boot with no heel? It is hard. I hope they get your size soon.

  9. sizzle

    November 7, 2007 at 7:23 am

    the reason there are so many bags is because so many of us have different taste. something for everyone!

    does that mean some of those bags aren’t buttugly? no!


  10. Kristabella

    November 7, 2007 at 7:50 am

    You can’t take photos of things in stores. Like that you don’t buy?

    Um, whoops.

  11. Bren

    November 7, 2007 at 7:56 am

    Have a great birthday!!!
    Feliz Cumpleaños!!

  12. Laura

    November 7, 2007 at 8:17 am

    I’m loving Miu Miu right now – but it might not be classic enough. Also, it seems all the department stores are having sales right now. In fact, Neiman Marcus has a private sale where most regularly priced merch is 30% off. Just for today. I think Saks has a similar sale (on-line better selection).

    Tis the season (almost) and I can’t stop shopping for myself.

    Just something to share…

  13. Laura

    November 7, 2007 at 8:17 am

    OH AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY (sorry I was overtaken by my shopping nonsense!)

  14. sunny

    November 7, 2007 at 8:50 am

    this is really exciting, I love the hand bag decision drama! Yay and happy birthday. 33 is blast. no, seriously!

  15. Miguelina (Reluctant Housewife)

    November 7, 2007 at 9:59 am

    We will be there with you, Whoorl girl, in your search for purse nirvana.

    (Can you tell I love these kinds of posts? I feel like we’re out shopping together, you, me and all 1,456,873* of your daily readers. So fun!)

    *So I hacked into your stats. Sue me.