The Call of the Peanut

If I had to choose one edible item to spend the rest of my life consuming, dry-roasted peanuts would be the clear winner. Wait. Maybe cashews. No, pistachios…I don’t know, the point IS that I love nuts. (Insert 8th grade jokes HERE.)

The problem is – my stomach most definitely does NOT appreciate nuts. Nope, no sirree bob. Nuts AND vodka? That will guarantee me a trip to the Emergency Room. (No really. Last month, I endured 7 hours of CT scans, ultrasounds and excrucating pain at my local ER. All because of some nuts and vodka. I HATE YOU, STOMACH.)

I know what you are thinking…Sarah, just GIVE UP THE NUTS. But I can’t GIVE UP THE NUTS. I try explaining this to my husband, who is simply horrified that I would subject myself to harrowing bathroom visits over a couple of (what I like to call) “salted miracles”, but he just doesn’t get it. I’m an addict.

However, I am working through my peanut issues. I have introduced a Peanut Maintenance Plan at Casa Whoorl. It started recently when I allowed myself to eat one single, solitary dry-roasted peanut. My stomach did not protest. GLORY! Now, ever so often, I will introduce an additional peanut to the current tally, carefully building up my peanut allowance until the inevitable day when my stomach lining decides to explode. That day will be an emotional one – knowing that I shall never again be able to exceed that specific number of peanuts, but I will rejoice in my steadfastness.

I am currently able to eat six dry-roasted peanuts per day. This is perhaps one of my greatest life achievements to date.

Yesterday, I put eight peanuts in my mouth, chewed them carefully (they were truly delicious), but quickly spit them out in the trash before swallowing. This might seem a little mentally “unbalanced” to some of you, but obviously, you do not understand the Call of The Peanut. Also, I am not the cheating kind, people. I would never skip seven. Steadfast.

Could you do me a favor and send good thoughts as I approach the unchartered double digits? It could be a rough ride.

  • tutugirl1345

    January 12, 2009 at 11:21 am

    Sounds to me like you have a mighty strong will power. I could never do with cheese what you’re doing with nuts.

  • hi kooky

    January 12, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Congratulations on your fantastically self-disciplined and brilliantly constructed Peanut Plan! I understand the Love of Nuts, and I understand how important this is for you. Keep up the steadfast, very important work you’re doing. Let your stomach be your pilot, and you will thank yourself for life.

  • catnip

    January 12, 2009 at 11:38 am

    Sounds like we have the same sort of digestive system. I have a whole bunch of foods I can’t eat, but it never occurred to me that I could chew them and SPIT them out!

  • slynnro

    January 12, 2009 at 11:58 am

    Presently utilizing this approach to gluten. But nuts? Really? You are a strange bird.

  • slynnro

    January 12, 2009 at 11:59 am

    oh and chew and spit is an actual eating disorder. I had a friend who would do that with pizzas and shit.

  • Courtney

    January 12, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    I feel you. Peanuts/peanut butter give me wicked indigestion when I eat them on an empty stomach. Never to the level of an ER visit, though, just the buuuuurning.

  • Rhi

    January 12, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    You are in my thoughts. This is a terrible, terrible problem to have.

  • Kaleigha

    January 12, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    My Mom has the same problem. I’ve watched her suck on peanuts for hours.

  • ali

    January 12, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    i ALSO love nuts. and they also destroy my stomach. cashews are my favorite….but i’m also a big fan of the dry roasted peanut too. and pistachios too. i think we need a support group. :)

  • whoorl

    January 12, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    Yes, Ali! We need a support group. (And apparently, according to Stara, I need to join a Chew And Spit Support Group as well.) ;)

  • Em

    January 12, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    I wanted it to be hooey, but that Eat Right for Your [blood] Type book was actually spot on about which foods disagree with me, including some I already knew about (peanuts, pistachios, cashews) and provided suggestions for what I can eat that I like and doesn’t wreck me. It was definitely disappointing, but in the end proved pretty helpful.

    Good luck.

  • Joanna

    January 12, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    My fingers are crossed for you! I had to quit chocolate-covered almonds cold, fearing that even one would send me down that slippery slope to crippling tummy pains. Ouch.

  • Sarah

    January 12, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    Is your peanut problem like an allergy where you could take meds for? I wonder if there is some magical pill you could take that would help you digest peanuts, like lactaid for milk/dairy consumption.

  • Bridget Lusky

    January 12, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Oh – you poor thing – it sounds like you have diverticulitis….it’s a form of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). It’s aggravated by seeds and nuts. While very uncomfortable, I think it’s relatively untreatable. Isn’t it always the things you love the most who wreck the most havoc?

    I think that the small hard foods that don’t break down well in your digestive track get lodged in small pockets in your intestines. I’m sorry if I’m wrong, but I was reading your post and the first think I thought was “diverticulitis”.

    I totally diagnosed myself with diverticulitis back when I was a pharma rep selling IBS drugs! However, after several visits to a GI and the confirmation of last month’s CT scan, it’s not. (Thank God! That is such a horrible condition!)

    Doesn’t help with my peanut problem, though. Hrmph.

  • Angella

    January 12, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Cashews get me every. single. time.

  • Momo Fali

    January 12, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    There’s a Jimmy Carter joke in here somewhere.

  • Kristabella

    January 12, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    I love nuts! I’m more of an almond or pistachio kind of gal.

    But I can’t eat too many. One Xmas I got sick from eating too many nuts.

    (That’s what she said.)

  • thatgirlblogs

    January 12, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Um… peanut butter?

  • thatgirlblogs

    January 12, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    sorry didn’t get my link on before…

  • Lyndsay

    January 12, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    I LURV dry roasted peanuts. I think it harkens back to me being raised in a house where cocktail hour existed and still exists and it is the ultimate cocktail hour nibble, in my opinion.
    I have a jar of them by our bed, which I use for Ambien -induced snack attacks. My husband gets mad because he’ll find peanuts in our bed and with no recollection of me eating them. They’re a great source of folic acid. Ok – awkward. That is all.

  • SleepyNita

    January 12, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Good Luck!
    Pepperoni is my personal stomach killer/thing I love most in the world. It is also guilty for giving me the WORST migrane headaches.

  • metalia

    January 12, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    Does D sort of snicker a little when he says “give up the nuts”? Because, you know? I’d be surprised if he didn’t.

  • kate

    January 12, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    I don’t mean to be mean, but as I read this post I am munching on my new discovery: soft peanut brittle. SOFT PEANUT BRITTLE.

    I know, I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

  • regan

    January 12, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    I just ate a bunch of nuts and now my stomach hurts. Thanks for passing me a subliminal nut allergy.

  • Rebecca

    January 12, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    Hello! Just sending some positive thoughts your way on your peanut adventure! Good luck :-)

  • Amy

    January 12, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    dearest whoorl,
    i must say….most every single post you write…i relate to….even wittle wito….in a way. i am right there with ya when it comes to jcrew and hair. this one….no way, no how.
    the only food i won’t eat=NUTS.
    insert *gasp*
    no one understands it.
    i mean…i will eat anything and everything….but i just don’t like nuts. ok….and pickles. but that is it. the only food i won’t eat.
    so you and your nuttiness….you have a good plan….but me and my stomach won’t be joining you.

  • chris

    January 12, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    Sadly, I can not eat nuts either for the exact same reason.

  • Serror

    January 12, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    I had nut induced tummy issues a several years back. I found they were not such an issue when they were eaten in small quantities and with other food. Maybe I did what you are doing, but not as conciously.

    Also, I looove dry roasted peanuts. But my current passion is salted and roasted pecans on salads.

    But happy hour + nuts= Pure Evil.

  • Melissa

    January 13, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    I think that sounds rational, but I have a long history of my own strange stomach trouble.

  • joslyn

    January 13, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    i have to say i feel for you sister. i love cashews so much…not sure what i would do if i were faced with your dilemma.

  • Kerri Anne

    January 13, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    Is Mr. Peanut your mascot for your Peanut Maintenance Plan? Because he totally should be. As a bonus, he’s quite the dapper dresser.

  • MetroDad

    January 13, 2009 at 8:04 pm

    Although I’m in pretty good shape, I had some weird blood results during a physical last year. The doctors were a little concerned and ran a bunch of tests but couldn’t find anything serious. A friend of mine is a nutritionist so I thought it wouldn’t hurt to have her check out my diet. Now, I generally eat pretty healthy so I wasn’t expecting much. Anyway, she made me keep a food diary for a week. Turns out that I hadn’t even noticed but I was eating like 75 almonds a day!

    Didn’t seem like I was eating that much. Just a handful here. A handful there.

    It’s like that old saying about government spending. A billion here. A billion there. And pretty soon you’re talking about real money!

  • cristen

    January 14, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    can you eat peanut butter? i have a jar sitting on my desk this very moment which i was eating with my apple…