I truly believe the majority of Orange County residents are passive aggressive. It’s just the law of the land around here. Unfortunately, my four-year tenure must have seeped into my psyche because I catch myself pulling the same shit all of the time. For instance, I really need to stop saying “You know, I find it so funny when you {insert a completely annoying action}” to my husband. Obviously, I don’t find it funny. Irritating as hell? Maybe.

Case in point – I’m in complete awe as to how my husband manages to dirty an ENTIRE kitchen counter when buttering toast. It’s like a mini-tornado of toast crumbs has descended upon the kitchen. People, how is this possible?

I’ve come to the only plausible conclusion that he must scrape three-fourths of the toasty bread onto his butter knife and proceed to blow in a staccato-like movement, much like a sprinkler system, all over the countertop. Thus leading me to make the invariable comment, “It’s so funny how you manage to make such a mess with whole wheat and butter” (insert fake squirrelly laughter). He rebuts with an explanation of the countertop’s function, including but not limited to, providing a place for food preparation. Fine. Shitbag.

Honestly, I can’t complain too much, being crowned the Queen of Leaving Shoes All Over The House. And I don’t just leave a pair of shoes lying around here or there, I actually manage to walk from one end of the room to the other, kicking off the shoes and leaving them to completely obstruct the walkway for others. It’s a talent, really. In fact, right now, I have 6 pairs of shoes lying haphazardly around this house. I try to explain to others that you just never know when you might need a pair of shoes right that very instant (house fire! earthquake! US Weekly just arrived in the mailbox!). I’m just taking my planning abilities to the next level. And therein lies the difference, my friends.

  • Angella

    April 16, 2007 at 8:09 pm

    Seriously? I’m looking at my runners by the deck door, my sandals by the stairs, and my other shoes in the hallway.


    MY husband leaves a crumb trail LIKE NO OTHER. Does yours also seal the Ziploc bag FULL OF AIR??? Kind of defeats the purpose, no?

  • Hilly

    April 16, 2007 at 8:24 pm

    Ugh, my husband can mess up my clean kitchen in five seconds and I get so pissed…I never realized that the OC is what has made me passive-aggressive, LOL.

    Okay so you’ve only been here four years??? We are soooo alike; first the birthdays and then the fact that I too have only been here four years!

  • sizzle

    April 16, 2007 at 9:30 pm

    “shitbag” really needs to be used more often. i’m jumping on that bandwagon. :)

  • SAJ

    April 17, 2007 at 12:14 am

    Blowing crumbs like a sprinker!!!!! Hah hah ahahhahhhahh ha ha ha!

  • Jessica

    April 17, 2007 at 4:17 am

    So maybe I need to move…Or maybe I’ve just been watching too much of the OC on DVD… DH is totally a crumb sprinkler… I follow behind making the same snarky comments. But, we’re BOTH guilty of the shoe showers all over the house. They’re literally EVERYWHERE. I like to think of it as my own personal home security system. God knows you cant get too far without tripping and falling. GENIUS!

    YES! I think the exact same thing about the shoe security system, but I don’t stop there. On the rare occasion when D is out of town, I set up some SERIOUS booby traps involving all sorts of household material. I’m all about Goonies.

  • Keri

    April 17, 2007 at 4:43 am

    I had the same problem with shoes. Wito will take care of the shoes. When my little one started crawling, she would head straight for my shoes. Everything goes in the mouth, so I no longer have shoes everywhere.

  • Amanda

    April 17, 2007 at 5:47 am

    Yes! My husband does this too… and for some reason he has no idea how to clean up after himself. So, I end up with crumbs and sticky crap all over myself next time I’m in the kitchen. LOVE it.

  • Sadie

    April 17, 2007 at 6:17 am

    I am psychotic about the crumbs on the countertop – I set out paper towels before doing any crumb-y culinary task – and yet when my boyfriend makes something and scatters crumbs or butter smears all over the joint, it kind of makes me smile. I am not trying to go Holly Hobby on your ass but I just love that he is cooking or chopping or whatever, because I’ve known men who wander into the kitchen and stare at me like, “what can you feed me?” That said, I think the operative word in this whole litany is “boyfriend,” as it indicates that I have only been tolerating this lack-of-spoonrest-use and crumb-tossing for about a year; I am sure it will wear on me in time.

  • Janssen

    April 17, 2007 at 6:18 am

    Dude, I totally do the same thing: “I think it’s hilarious when you __________.” Does it work? Of course not!

  • rebecca

    April 17, 2007 at 7:19 am

    That is hilarious. And I think the O.C. passive aggressiveness has infected me too, unfortunately. But at my house, it’s my husband who leaves the shoes all over the place and it Drives. Me. Crazy. Gaahhh!

    p.s. have not forgotten about my interview questions. Yesterday was v. busy. Will do today. Don’t give up on the Bearca.

  • undercover celebrity

    April 17, 2007 at 8:48 am

    EXCELLENT call on us all being passive aggressive. I think down here is’t commensurate with being polite.

    …as for the crumbs all over the counter, you’re a better woman than I. Pretty sure I would drop the “passive” in such a situation :)

  • Donovan

    April 17, 2007 at 10:19 am

    Kitchen countertop = place for all things food.
    Buttering toast = many crumbs = food.
    Crumbs on countertop after buttering toast = Completely Acceptable.

    Don’t feel bad though, my wife has been wrong about this issue many times as well.

  • Jenifer

    April 17, 2007 at 11:00 am

    My boyfriend’s issue is receipts! There are pieces of paper EVERYWHERE in the apartment. Dresser, counter, coffee table, his desk, my desk. I swear there will be one on the cat at some point.

    And as for shoes, I like to think of them as floor art pieces. I have bland beige carpet and the shoes help to make it more colorful. And, it’s fun to watch the cat navigate the shoe art/obstacle course. I love the dirty looks that she gives me.

    PS. I don’t know whether to love or hate you, I’m now the proud owner of another Chanel Lip Gloss, Sesame.

  • Maya

    April 17, 2007 at 11:38 am

    I’m proud to say I currently only SEE ummmm…two pairs of shoes out. This is a record. Am very direct with the man with re: to his unacceptable habits; this has not stopped him from doing them in the least. Maybe I should try passive/aggressive?

  • BeachMama

    April 17, 2007 at 12:30 pm

    Uhh, I think it is all men that can leave a mess of crumbs on a counter (ok, all but my Dad who hates crumbs). But, my husband and two brother-in laws all do the same thing. My husband thinks that is why we have a blackish countertop, so you won’t see the crumbs. I see them.

    As for the shoes, I love my closet and can’t stand shoes at the door, but then again if I lived in a warmer climate I probobly wouldn’t be so anal about hte shoes.

  • holli

    April 17, 2007 at 5:17 pm

    I, myself can attest to leaving drinking glasses all over the house…wine glasses, juice glasses, water glasses, glasses to dump over spiders (they are usually in the basement-I must confess that I believe spiders are quite capable of attacking and must be annihilated).

    My husband-lets just say that his cell phone is REALLY clean! We have an ongoing debate…does the person who is doing the laundry have to check clothes for ‘stuff’ (ie: cell phone or wallet in back pocket) or is the person throwing the clothes in the laundry responsible for his/her said ‘stuff’? The debate continues…

  • metalia

    April 17, 2007 at 6:37 pm

    If you are the Queen of Leaving Shoes All Over The House, then I’m at least a princess or something. What’s weird is that I barely notice that I’m doing it, and can sort of automatically avoid them. I only realize what I’ve done when I hear a thud, followed by my husband, cursing.

  • The Mom

    April 18, 2007 at 6:41 am

    Yes, the countertop is intended to serve the function of food preparation, but paper towels (or more eco-friendly dishtowels) were intended to clean up the mess you make after food preparation! My husband is the same way. I can always tell when he’s fixed himself something because there’s salt and pepper ALL OVER the counter (I honestly don’t know that he gets any on his food), or a coffee ring, or crumbs, or whatever. There is never NOT a trace of something he’s eaten. Anywho… I answered my 5 questions! If you’re interested.

  • chirky

    April 18, 2007 at 10:30 am

    You too? With the shoes? GAH. My husband was starting succeed in convinving me that I’m the only one who does this!

  • winterwheat

    April 18, 2007 at 1:10 pm

    Oh, I understand. I think having a child has sharpened my sarcasm to the point where it can draw blood. I admire you for at least sticking praise in there (“it’s so funny”) because, you know, that’s good for a marriage. Um, even if it’s disingenuous.

    The other night I actually wrote STFU on my palm and held it up to my husband every time he started talking. We’d just had another one of our pointless type-A debates about something totally inconsequential, and he didn’t want to let it rest. I’m lucky he has a sense of humor.

  • sbukophile

    April 18, 2007 at 4:49 pm

    I think the shoes thing definitely a female thing. The crumbs thing, definitely a male thing. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had “discussions” about these same topics! I mean, how can he not SEE all those crumbs! He’s even admitted to me, “Maybe I CHOOSE not to see them.” I haven’t tried the OC lingo yet to try and get him to see the damn crumbs.

  • Ariel

    April 19, 2007 at 3:24 am

    It’s a man’s thing. The oik I leave with does this and worse. You can always tell he’s been eating something as there are crumbs everywhere and new stains on the sofa. The only difference between you and I is that it doesn’t make me laugh, especially when he sees it fit to wipe his buttery paws on whichever jacket of mine is on the back of the chair. Urgh.

  • angela

    April 20, 2007 at 7:24 pm

    You know, I find it so funny that my husband can make an entire sandwich right on the kitchen counter without ever using a plate, even though we have plenty of them. Even paper plates.

    That’s how the crumbs make it all around our kitchen in such a flawless movement — the lack of a plate as a crumb-catcher.

  • Y

    April 23, 2007 at 11:20 am

    Wait… you live in Orange County?

    I see a Starbucks meet up in our future.