I truly believe the majority of Orange County residents are passive aggressive. It’s just the law of the land around here. Unfortunately, my four-year tenure must have seeped into my psyche because I catch myself pulling the same shit all of the time. For instance, I really need to stop saying “You know, I find it so funny when you {insert a completely annoying action}” to my husband. Obviously, I don’t find it funny. Irritating as hell? Maybe.

Case in point – I’m in complete awe as to how my husband manages to dirty an ENTIRE kitchen counter when buttering toast. It’s like a mini-tornado of toast crumbs has descended upon the kitchen. People, how is this possible?

I’ve come to the only plausible conclusion that he must scrape three-fourths of the toasty bread onto his butter knife and proceed to blow in a staccato-like movement, much like a sprinkler system, all over the countertop. Thus leading me to make the invariable comment, “It’s so funny how you manage to make such a mess with whole wheat and butter” (insert fake squirrelly laughter). He rebuts with an explanation of the countertop’s function, including but not limited to, providing a place for food preparation. Fine. Shitbag.

Honestly, I can’t complain too much, being crowned the Queen of Leaving Shoes All Over The House. And I don’t just leave a pair of shoes lying around here or there, I actually manage to walk from one end of the room to the other, kicking off the shoes and leaving them to completely obstruct the walkway for others. It’s a talent, really. In fact, right now, I have 6 pairs of shoes lying haphazardly around this house. I try to explain to others that you just never know when you might need a pair of shoes right that very instant (house fire! earthquake! US Weekly just arrived in the mailbox!). I’m just taking my planning abilities to the next level. And therein lies the difference, my friends.

  1. holli

    April 17, 2007 at 5:17 pm

    I, myself can attest to leaving drinking glasses all over the house…wine glasses, juice glasses, water glasses, glasses to dump over spiders (they are usually in the basement-I must confess that I believe spiders are quite capable of attacking and must be annihilated).

    My husband-lets just say that his cell phone is REALLY clean! We have an ongoing debate…does the person who is doing the laundry have to check clothes for ‘stuff’ (ie: cell phone or wallet in back pocket) or is the person throwing the clothes in the laundry responsible for his/her said ‘stuff’? The debate continues…

  2. metalia

    April 17, 2007 at 6:37 pm

    If you are the Queen of Leaving Shoes All Over The House, then I’m at least a princess or something. What’s weird is that I barely notice that I’m doing it, and can sort of automatically avoid them. I only realize what I’ve done when I hear a thud, followed by my husband, cursing.

  3. The Mom

    April 18, 2007 at 6:41 am

    Yes, the countertop is intended to serve the function of food preparation, but paper towels (or more eco-friendly dishtowels) were intended to clean up the mess you make after food preparation! My husband is the same way. I can always tell when he’s fixed himself something because there’s salt and pepper ALL OVER the counter (I honestly don’t know that he gets any on his food), or a coffee ring, or crumbs, or whatever. There is never NOT a trace of something he’s eaten. Anywho… I answered my 5 questions! If you’re interested.

  4. chirky

    April 18, 2007 at 10:30 am

    You too? With the shoes? GAH. My husband was starting succeed in convinving me that I’m the only one who does this!

  5. winterwheat

    April 18, 2007 at 1:10 pm

    Oh, I understand. I think having a child has sharpened my sarcasm to the point where it can draw blood. I admire you for at least sticking praise in there (“it’s so funny”) because, you know, that’s good for a marriage. Um, even if it’s disingenuous.

    The other night I actually wrote STFU on my palm and held it up to my husband every time he started talking. We’d just had another one of our pointless type-A debates about something totally inconsequential, and he didn’t want to let it rest. I’m lucky he has a sense of humor.

  6. sbukophile

    April 18, 2007 at 4:49 pm

    I think the shoes thing definitely a female thing. The crumbs thing, definitely a male thing. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had “discussions” about these same topics! I mean, how can he not SEE all those crumbs! He’s even admitted to me, “Maybe I CHOOSE not to see them.” I haven’t tried the OC lingo yet to try and get him to see the damn crumbs.

  7. Ariel

    April 19, 2007 at 3:24 am

    It’s a man’s thing. The oik I leave with does this and worse. You can always tell he’s been eating something as there are crumbs everywhere and new stains on the sofa. The only difference between you and I is that it doesn’t make me laugh, especially when he sees it fit to wipe his buttery paws on whichever jacket of mine is on the back of the chair. Urgh.

  8. angela

    April 20, 2007 at 7:24 pm

    You know, I find it so funny that my husband can make an entire sandwich right on the kitchen counter without ever using a plate, even though we have plenty of them. Even paper plates.

    That’s how the crumbs make it all around our kitchen in such a flawless movement — the lack of a plate as a crumb-catcher.

  9. Y

    April 23, 2007 at 11:20 am

    Wait… you live in Orange County?

    I see a Starbucks meet up in our future.