This weekend was chock-full of pregnancy-related clumsiness. I think I dropped items/tripped/ran into various pieces of furniture about 53 times. And as much as I luh-huve my husband, he has that uncanny ability to totally piss me off when these events occur. His favorite question is “How did THAT happen?” and I’m pretty sure the utterance of this phrase over the weekend outnumbered Jon Stewart’s cracks on the Three 6 Mafia last night during the Oscars.
Case In Point #1- Saturday, 9:00am
D – I think I’m going to make a fried egg on an English muffin. How does that sound to you?
Me- YUMMY! Yes, I want one- thanks, honey.
(D makes his egg and puts his English muffin in the toaster oven. Which by the way, Mr. Toaster Oven-Inventor, you rock the casbah.)
Me- Why don’t you eat yours while it’s hot, and I will make my own.
D- Ok, thanks.
(cue I Love Lucy theme song – I attempt to grab an egg, but the shell is literally adhered to the egg carton. As I try to remove it, the shell cracks and yolk flies everywhere, including over the carton and other eggs)
Me- SHIT! DAAAAMN IT.
D- (looking oh-so-condescending) Hmmm, how did THAT happen?
Me- I DON’T KNOW! THE SHELL WAS STUCK TO THE CARTON! I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT! YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME? LOOK! I CAN’T GET THE REMAINING SHELL OUT! DO YOU SEE? HUH?
D- Uh, ok. Relax.
Me- Ok, moving along. Oh look, this egg pops out so easily. Why did I have to pick the shitty egg? Why is my life so unlucky? WHHHYYYYYY?
(I start to fry the egg, put my English muffin in the toaster oven, and proceed to clean out the egg carton and remaining eggs)
D- What’s that smell? Is something burning?
(English muffin is literally on fire in the toaster oven)
Me- DAMMIT!
D- Hmmm, how did THAT happen?
Me- I DON’T KNOW! I PUT IT IN THE TOASTER ON THE NORMAL SETTING AND POOF, IT CATCHES FIRE! YOU ACT LIKE I DO THIS SHIT ON PURPOSE!
D- Well, it is kind of odd…and by the way, you really should try to cut back on your cussing. We have a baby on the way.
Me- I HATE YOU!
D- I think I am going to eat my breakfast in the other room…
Me- FINE!
Case In Point #2 – Saturday, 2:30pm
(I attempt to pull the mega-jar of green olives out of the refrigerator and drop it on the travertine floor)
BAM!
D- What was that?
Me- Uh, I tried to get the olives out of the fridge and they fell on the floor.
D- Hmmm, how did THAT happen? Did they break?
Me- I don’t know…they were slippery? The jar is fine. Sorry.
D- Yep.
Case In Point #3 – Sunday, 3:00pm
(we are putting clean sheets on the bed in lovely married fashion, although I’m not allowed to put the pillowcases on D’s pillows because I don’t do it the proper way. Don’t ask.)
BAM! (Direct TV remote control falls on the wood floor and breaks apart)
D- What was that?
Me- I dropped the remote on the floor.
D- Hmmm, how did THAT happen?
Me- (sighing a defeated sigh) Dude, I don’t know. Suck a fat one. I’m going to watch the Oscars.
Jessie
March 6, 2006 at 10:03 amI wish I were pregnant so I’d have an excuse for doing things like that all the time. Last night I somehow launched the remote control across the room without even touching it. Am very talented.
ms. sizzle
March 6, 2006 at 10:26 amLOL.
oh whoorl, you kill me. i have sooo done that thing with the egg. it isn’t your fault it was stuck in the carton. but it totally kills the buzz for a good fried egg sammich. i feel for ya.
and the thing about not putting the pillow case on right? that makes sense in such a weird way. i hope watching the oscars cheered you up.
;) sizz
don't call me ma'am
March 6, 2006 at 10:30 amSounds like the Pregnant Lady Dropsies* to me. Nobody ever believed me when I was pregnant and dropping things all the time… there is something to be said about it though. Almost everyone I know who has been pregnant has had the “syndrome.” Only cure: giving birth.
*I know none of it is scientifically proven… but I don’t care.
Alicat
March 6, 2006 at 11:22 ampoor whoorl! i would let loose a good string of profanities if my husband said that a lot, regardless of if it was warranted. Tell him the baby is allergic to his little catch phrase and if baby is irritated, mommy is, well, a million more times irritated. Or start chucking olive at him. :D
jege
March 6, 2006 at 12:36 pmMy husband, also named D, will not let me fold his shirts because I obviously don’t do it correctly. Ditto that for folding towels, and putting the fitted sheet on the bed.
whoorl
March 6, 2006 at 12:58 pmjege, i’m not allowed to put on the fitted sheet either. it’s one of the plethora of things i’m not allowed to clean/touch/look at.
but hey, i’m not complaining…i’m happy to not clean the bathroom, fluff the pillows and make the couch look pretty. :)
Sarcomical
March 6, 2006 at 1:14 pmnow i KNOW we could be bestest friends. because i would not tease you and you would not tease me for our respective clumsy-assness.
…but we might accidentally hit each other with various objects a lot.
Boogie's Mom
March 7, 2006 at 11:17 amOK, he was annoying me and I’m not even pregnant. Does he really say that all the time?
Torrie
March 7, 2006 at 1:22 pmWhen I was pregnant I dropped EVERYTHING and my brain didn’t work. I called my cousin’s cat a puppy.
poobou
March 7, 2006 at 4:29 pmThe egg thing has happened to me at least a dozen times. I’ve researched this, and here’s what I’ve figured out: if the eggshell cracks on the bottom, some of the egg white leake out, and basically glues the egg to the carton. When you try to retrieve said egg, it splatters all the hell over the place. (To put it scientifically.)
My husband is smart enough to not tease me about my klutziness. I’m not even pregnant, I just inherited some weird “fall down in public places, causing much humiliation” gene. Lucky me.
Stacie
March 8, 2006 at 12:08 amThis all sounds very familliar to me. The same kind of shit goes on around here. And then to make being clumsy even worse my boyfriend asks me if there is broken glass in the jar/bottle? and I reply how could there be if it didn’t break? Then he asks again. I reply it’s not like the jar broke on the inside and not the outside. Are you sure? he asks. Ok, fine, don’t eat any from the jar, more for me! Does that make any sense? Not really. Oh, and the egg thing has happened to me too. What a mess!
Maliavale
March 7, 2006 at 8:51 pmI was just about to say what poobou said; the egg thing has totally happened to me, too. And Fuckerson is now part of my lingo, many thanks. ;-)