A Downer of a Candy Drawer


Dear Dad,

I know my trip home was completely last-minute and that you have had an extremely full plate with the new house. (Which is absolutely beautiful, by the way. Wowza.)

However, I am a little disappointed in the candy drawer.

I know what you are thinking, dad – people would kill for that candy drawer! Look at the diversity in flavor and sugar content! Yes, you probably are right…but where are the Chick-o-Sticks? The Blow Pops? The Sour Patch Kids? Do you expect me to have my usual gut-ripping stomachaches from eating a Hershey bar? I need the fake sugar chemical stuff! I need familiarity! I am having an emotional crisis!

Where is the LOOOOOOVE, man?


Your Loving Daughter

p.s. – The Starbursts are stale.

  1. bishOp stu tu

    March 5, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    whOOrl gOOrl,

    There are candy-less children all over the whirled…think of them…so hush my dearest, and eat the candy.

    ‘sides itsa’ GREAT RECESSION damnit. and you should be thankful for one hershey kiss…

    And I used to walk ten miles to school too.

    yo dad

  2. whoorl

    March 5, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    Actually, The pink Starbursts and the Twizzlers taste pretty good. Working on the Hershey’s Nuggets next…

    I may have been too harsh, father, as I feel the familiar rumble in my tummy. The world is right again.

    Forgive me.

  3. Carrisa

    March 5, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Tell dad to put some fruit flavored tootsie rolls in there. Of course they won’t stay in there very long as they are like crack. And also like Starbursts. But the shape is better in my mouth.

    Also? Cherry Sours FTW!

  4. whoorl

    March 5, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    Carissa, my father did not know about the fruit-flavored tootsie rolls. He is very intrigued, and thanks you for opening his mind to new candy experiences.

  5. mel

    March 5, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    BLAH! Licorice candy! What about sour lemondrops instead? :)

  6. whoorl

    March 5, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    To be fair, the lemondrops were right behind the licorice candy.

  7. tutugirl1345

    March 5, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    Be grateful, my parents don’t allow candy in the house at all. And the sodas are still in a locked cabinet.


    March 5, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    I think your father and you should stroll the aisles of a Walmart-like store (with Dad’s wallet of course) and you can kill two birds with one stone – a candy instruction tutorial AND a shopping trip!

  9. hillary

    March 5, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    who puts gum in a candy drawer? gum doesn’t make your ass bigger, therefore it has no place in a candy drawer.

  10. catnip

    March 5, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    I’d kill for that butterfinger right now.

  11. Angella

    March 5, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    No Sour Patch Kids? THE HORROR.

    Our sour cherries or berries? My heart hurts for you.

  12. slynnro

    March 5, 2009 at 4:37 pm


    Seriously. Thought I was the only one.

    I believe my exact words to my father were, “Where are the FUCKING Chick-o-Sticks?”

    I’m classy like that.

  13. hi kooky

    March 5, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    One word: YUM. I’d be ripping into that Butterfinger FIRST THING.

  14. Miguelina

    March 5, 2009 at 5:05 pm


    Wito had his first Kit Kat yesterday. He wasn’t very enthused…what is WRONG with him??

  15. Iheartgreen

    March 5, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    Candy: my favorite topic. My votes for the candy drawer: (1) Haribo gummi bears (2) sour watermelons (3) jelly bellies (4) hot tamales (5) brach’s neopolitan (6) Hershey’s Bliss (7) Chocolate tootsie roll pops (8) Mike and Ikes. My teeth hurt a little just thinking about the potential cavities.