I Need Some Holiday Cheer

Holidays in Southern California suck. I can’t get into the mood! Freaking ocean breezes, sunny skies and palm trees everywhere I look. I’m not trying to complain- I love our weather 11 months out of the year. It’s still in the upper 60’s/lower 70’s and sunny everyday. I’m just trying to find a solution for my lack of holiday cheer.

This is my second Christmas in California- last year, I don’t think I even noticed because I was still consumed with the after-effects of my wedding. This year, I’m bored. So I sit at my computer and read blogs about first snows and hot chocolate. Bullshit! People get to wear their darling cashmere and wool turtlenecks while mine gather dust in a storage bin on top of my closet. I have cute sweaters, people! I want to wear them! The travesty.

To make matters worse, I’m allergic to Christmas trees. D wants to get a Ficus Lyrata and decorate it with lights. Huh? I want to SMELL my Christmas tree…that’s the whole point, and I don’t know what in the hell a ficus plant smells like. Here’s a mock-up…does this look Christmasy to you?

Thankfully, I found a 24-hour holiday music radio station yesterday. It’s a good thing…I spend all day driving around (with the A/C on, of course) singing at the top of my lungs. Yesterday, I did a lovely rendition of The Little Drummer Boy. ParRUMPADUMDUM, RUMPADUMDUM, RUMPADUMDUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. But have you heard all of the new Christmas music out there? I’m not a fan. Give me Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby or Johnny Mathis anyday over those poptarts. Jessica Simpson singing “Santa Baby”? Please SHUT UP, you stupid whorebag. Maybe you should spend more time trying to save your marriage and less time butchering Christmas classics.


Earlier this week, a helicopter was flying over my neighborhood with some dude yelling “Merry Christmas! HO, HO,HO!” through a bullhorn. What’s up with that? Were they trying to spread Christmas cheer? Quite frankly, it scared the shit out of me. I thought we were being invaded by terrorists and took cover under my desk. Bah humbug.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though. Two weeks from today I will be visiting my family where it is cold and (fingers-crossed) snowy. Hot chocolate! Turtlenecks! Rosy cheeks! I can’t wait. And I’m sure after spending 24 hours there, I will be whining that it’s too cold and I want to go back to California.

Ahhh, the joys of Christmas.

  1. kris

    December 8, 2005 at 7:45 am

    OH MY GOODNESS! The Johnny Mathis Christmas album is beyond stellar!

    We are indeed kindred souls.

    If you tell me now that you too own the Partridge Family Christmas Album and play it religiously, my head might explode.

  2. whoorl

    December 8, 2005 at 8:01 am

    um, i wouldn’t go that far, kris… :D

    but johnny mathis rocks this casbah!

  3. Jecca

    December 8, 2005 at 8:09 am

    Can you get to the mountains? I live further south that you here in SoCal, and I miss holiday weather, too. I haven’t done it yet this year, but the mountains near us (think Julian, CA) get snow, and we drive up there for a quick fix every once in a while.

  4. whoorl

    December 8, 2005 at 10:48 am

    Gift whore,

    I suggested a fake tree, but D will have none of it. He thinks fake trees are totally cheesy like fake garland and dried flowers, etc. I guess I kind of agree with him.

    Lavish gifts, eh? I need to get on the ball b/c Lake Arrowhead sounds right up my alley! :)

  5. Cocodrie

    December 8, 2005 at 11:34 am

    Yeah, after living in Cali for so many years, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the lack of holiday cheer and Christmas-like weather. The holiday doesn’t really start until the plane’s wheels hit the runway back home.

    Our noses will be cold, and we’ll be whining for the sun in no time. BUT, we’ll stay warm together with Ketel One and add fat insulation from all the food. Yay!

  6. bishOp stu tu

    December 8, 2005 at 11:51 am

    whOOrl gOOrl,

    Egg nOg is in the fridge…and cheap brandy for the miXin’. Lights are UP. Mixed Nuts are in the BIG bowl.

    And…Francis Albert and Mariah Carey are ready to perform for you at a deafening 120db.

    And…a present or two or ten if you have been nice.

    And…You’ll be hOme for Christmas.

    yO hO, da’ anxiOUs bishOp.

  7. whoorl

    December 8, 2005 at 12:06 pm

    i’m ready for the mixed nuts and chex mix, stu tu.

    most of all, i can’t wait to give you a BIG hug!

  8. Boogie's Mom

    December 8, 2005 at 4:27 pm

    I envy you going away to a cold place. I miss snow.

    Although, to be fair, I’ve lived here for 6 years, and before that for 12 in Florida. But I did live in upstate NY and in Germany before that, and I miss looking out on Christmas morning and seeing the white snow piled up.

    The good thing about living in warm climates, though, is that you can break out the cozy sweaters as soon as the weather gets below 70!

  9. undercover celebrity

    December 8, 2005 at 10:17 am

    I’m right there with you. Except, I’m always cold, so when it drops below 70 I bust out my cashmere turtleneck. Ok, who am I kidding? I wear it even at 73-degrees.

    Have you considered hanging one of those pine-scented car fresheners in your ficus? :) What about an artificial tree — not quite the same, but a vast improvement over a ficus, to be sure.

    If I knew you, I’d invite you up to Lake Arrowhead — it’s freakin’ freezing up there and is only 90 minutes away. But I don’t know you… of course if I were to receive lavish gifts, I may feel much more comfortable inviting you. :)

    gift whore

  10. gorillabuns

    December 8, 2005 at 7:17 pm

    yippie! i can’t wait to see you soon! will have the bar stocked and you can cheese out to our fake tree and fake garland. (we are the epitome of allergies in this household!)

  11. Anne Glamore

    December 8, 2005 at 7:01 pm

    I’m thinking that Votivo’s Christmas Sage candle would solve the smell of Christmas problem for you. Bag the ficus. That is not good at all.

  12. SAJ

    December 9, 2005 at 4:45 am

    snow? what’s that?

  13. Jurgen Nation

    December 8, 2005 at 10:13 pm

    AAHAHAH! LMAO @ “Please SHUT UP, you stupid whorebag!”

    Haha…hah. Ho. Awesome.

  14. ms. sizzle

    December 9, 2005 at 7:49 am

    i definitely think you need to buy some tree scented candles just to give you some sort of holiday smell.

    i am with you on the new christmas music (eww, enough already) but if you like the jazzy kind of christmas stuff, you should check out diana krall’s christmas album. it does those songs justice. i think even frank woulda approved (after he grabbed her ass that is).

    :) sizz

  15. kimmer

    December 9, 2005 at 7:55 am

    Ten inches of snow. Ten. Inches. Of. Snow. Jonah disappeared in his snowsuit a la Christmas Story when I let him romp around in it. That being said, school is canceled for the second day in a row due to “Flesh Freeze Factor.” Be happy to be in Cali.