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GLUUUCOLAAAA!

glucola.jpg

This morning I had my 27-week Glucose Tolerance Test to screen for gestational diabetes. In a nutshell, this test consists of drinking 10 ounces of a syrupy-sweet orange drink containing 50 grams of dextrose (helloooo sugar high) that tastes like Sunkist on steroids, sitting around for an hour and then drawing blood exactly an hour after you took your last sip of liquid cocaine. Apparently, timing is eveything with this test. If you don’t do it exactly an hour after the last sip, IT RUINS EVERYTHING. YOU HAVE TO START OVER AGAIN! FROM THE BEGINNING! NEW DAY! NEW DRINK!

Sweet Jebus, Dr. OB McDoctor. I get the point. No lolly gagging around when it comes to this test. Although, do you even know me? Do you know what you’ve done? You have now instilled the little seed of “you better not be late” in my already CBLOCD (Can’t-Be-Late-Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder) head. It’s like offering just a little sip of champagne to the recovering alcoholic. Everyone has their “thing”- something that just sets them off. Well, mine is the fear of being late. Arriving even a minute late to any function or appointment really raises the good ol’ blood pressure. So naturally, I am the Queen of Arriving Early, even if it means sitting in my car at the destination for 10-15 minutes.

This is a routine test that every pregnant woman takes between 26 and 28 weeks. No biggie, really. Except you would have thought my baby was about to be transported to Jupiter for observational tests from the sleepless night* I had last night. I had the same nightmare over and over- that I drank the stuff at my home and when it was time to drive to the lab to get my blood drawn, I couldn’t find the keys OR the car wouldn’t start OR I couldn’t find the lab slip, causing me to miss the precious window of time and having to START OVER! FROM THE BEGINNING! NEW DAY! NEW DRINK! As you can see, this really wasn’t about the baby or even me having gestational diabetes. It was all about being late, of course. So, this morning before I even drank the stuff, I lined up my keys, the lab slip, my clothes, etc.

And then I drank the equivalent of 789 jellybeans.

Now, some people don’t even notice a difference when drinking this stuff. However, when a person described as “naturally-caffeinated” by her doctor drinks Glucola, get the fuck out of the way. I, of course, showed up 20 minutes early to the lab like a CBLOCD ticking time bomb. For 19 minutes and 59 seconds, I looked at my watch, looked at their purple Prilosec wall clock, looked at my watch, looked at the Prilosec wall clock, so on and so forth. Is this what cocaine feels like? And when the time came, don’t think I wasn’t at the sliding glass window, announcing that my window of time had arrived, and I really don’t want to have to START OVER! FROM THE BEGINNING! NEW DAY! NEW DRINK!

The test was performed right on time. I am now coming down from my glucose high and realizing that if I fail the blood tests, I will have to endure a 4-HOUR glucose screening. Dear God, help us all.

* or it could have been last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Note to self: watching a show that involves a young pregnant woman dying during surgery while the baby is saved by an emergency C-section will cause long periods of hysterical sobbing and lots of snot.

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25 Comments
  • kimmer

    May 8, 2006 at 11:49 am

    I am of the mindset that everyone gets their book of tickets of things that will be bumps in the road with their pregnancy. You already had yours…which means you are pretty much guaranteed smooth sailing the rest of your pregnancy.

  • whoorl

    May 8, 2006 at 12:01 pm

    SWEET! good theory, mama.

  • Amanda Brown

    May 8, 2006 at 1:05 pm

    I drank the orange sludge a few weeks ago and it was pretty sick. I was paranoid that I was going to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes and be forced to cut back on the carbs and chocolate (which would be catastrophic for me). My tests came back normal and I’m sure yours will too. :)

  • mrsmogul

    May 8, 2006 at 1:45 pm

    I had that test! I was given something like Gatorade. My husband was sitting in the waiting room and I came out with the Gatorade bottle. He thought I was supposed to piss in that LOL.

  • ms. sizzle

    May 8, 2006 at 2:24 pm

    i’m naturally caffeinated too! ;)

    when i read this part: START OVER! FROM THE BEGINNING! NEW DAY! NEW DRINK! i kept hearing it in the “i’m late! i’m late! for a very important date!” voice. hee hee.

    and, um, i am soooo glad you didn’t stop blogging.

  • jege

    May 8, 2006 at 2:36 pm

    Damn, I just shot Diet Coke through my nose onto my keyboard.

    By the way, I too suffer from CBLOCD. It takes every ounce of willpower NOT to show up at 7:00 for a party that is supposed to “start at 7, and go until midnight or so”.
    I mean really, if they didnt want me there at 7, why the FUCK did they say 7? Just say “whenever”.

    But I digress.

    As for Grey’s Anatomy, I’ve never seen the show, but the plot ( “young pregnant woman dying during surgery while the baby is saved by an emergency C-section”) sounds suspiciously similar to one I saw on E.R. back in the 90’s. That episode nearly scared me celibate.

  • jege

    May 8, 2006 at 2:36 pm

    NEW DAY! NEW DRINK! fucking STILL has me giggling….

  • lini

    May 8, 2006 at 3:10 pm

    I am soooo sorry about your CBLOCD problem, wonder where it came from?! Started to call and tell you not to watch Greys, It did cause lots of tears and snot.

  • cj4

    May 8, 2006 at 3:20 pm

    While I did not get to personally enjoy the 1-hour Glucose race, I did get several months of the same type of experience while K and I were … ahem … using the scientifically-assisted approach to baby-making. Exchange a belly full of glucose to a vial full of … again, ahem … and make it GET FROM LAGUNA TO HOAG HOSPITAL AS FAST AS POSSIBLE OR THAT ENTIRE MONTH OF INJECTING YOUR WIFE WITH STRANGE AND GROSSLY EXPENSIVE POTIONS THAT MAKE HER INSANE WILL ALL HAVE BEEN FOR NOTHING and you realize that the greatest miracle of all that is not that we now have a beautiful little girl, but that we never got a speeding ticket or in a wreck!

    Oh, but what fun would we have had telling the cop why were were speeding and what was in the bag….

  • rebecca

    May 8, 2006 at 3:29 pm

    Please tell me that the title of this post is meant to be said in the style of the old Ricola commercials? Because that is how I pronounce Glucola.

    Well, I actually pronounce it gross-disgusting-drink-that-made-me-realize-why-I-haven’t-ordered-an-orange-drink-since-age-8.

  • Alicat

    May 8, 2006 at 4:49 pm

    Hmm..I am drinking orange soda right now. Is it possible I would like that stuff?!

    Prolly not. I only drink diet. Eek. :)

  • LVGurl

    May 8, 2006 at 4:50 pm

    Last pregnancy, I drank the orange stuff. This pregnancy, I had the pleasure of drinking some sort of Hawaiian Punch knock-off. It was worse. Both times, the best thing I did was take that test first thing in the morning with nothing in my stomach (except water). No way in hell I was going to let any bit of residual blood sugar from my Cheerios skew those results!

  • gorillabuns

    May 8, 2006 at 4:56 pm

    should you fail, the four hour test isn’t that bad, that is if you have great veins in your arms. you will not fail so, you won’t have to worry about it!!! i’m with kimmers, you’ve cashed in those tickets for the ride of bumps.

    grey’s made me sob like a blithering idiot. how is that since i love to hate the show? yes, i will be in mourning when it goes off for the summer.

  • BeachMama

    May 8, 2006 at 5:04 pm

    Kudos for taking the test! I didn’t, I couldn’t even imagine drinking that stuff. My midwife decided that I wasn’t at risk, phew!

    I still can’t watch shows involving pregnant women getting hurt, or children going missing or hurt. Becoming a Mom definately changed the movies that I watch.

  • R*Belle

    May 8, 2006 at 2:22 pm

    Oh no, that was NOT the episode to watch! The glucose test is disgusting, glad you are finished with it. Hopefully you don’t have to do the next one. I couldn’t tolerate the orange stuff, managed to hold it down for one hour and one minute exactly. The lab ladies LOVED me.