100, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93…what if something is horribly wrong with him?…focus on the counting, Sarah, you’ve got to get some sleep…92, 91, 90, 89, 88……what if I missed something? is it my fault?….87, 86, 85, 84, 83, 82…..he doesn’t deserve this…81, 80, 79, 78, 76…sleep, Sarah, sleep…
The last four nights have been filled with what seems to be one million what ifs and numbers. In the past, counting backwards has always helped to drown out my worries and lead sleep to me in the midst of my jumbled thoughts. And although my method still managed to succeed, the sheer volume of numbers recited in my mind was staggering.
My tiny snowball of worry started with an apprehensive visit last Friday to one of our pediatrician’s associates (ours was out of the country), which quickly morphed into an immediate referral and appointment with a pediatric neurologist on Monday. I’m sure I don’t even need to explain how terrifying it is to hear a pediatrician explaining the types of neurological events and disorders she wants to rule out…you know, the ones that make the back of your neck start to sweat and your hands tremble. And to top it all off, the fact that you must wait until 2 pm on Monday to find these things out. 76 hours, to be exact.
My weekend was abysmal.
The days were decent, but I couldn’t help but dissolve into tears every night while staring up at the dimly lit ceiling. Many people read this entry I wrote for ParentDish coupled with some nervous twitters, and put two and two together about what was happening. I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful it was to receive emails from friends and complete strangers telling me that we were in their thoughts. To all of you, I can’t thank you enough. Honestly.
Monday’s appointment finally arrived, and the neurologist was wonderful. Wito and Dr. M took to each other immediately. He filled us up with reassuring words, but thought it was important for us to see a sub-specialty in the neurological field in the near future. And by near future, I mean upon entering my home after the appointment, I answered my ringing phone and it was the sub-specialist’s office making an appointment for the next morning.
Yesterday morning, we buckled Wito into his car seat and drove to his third doctor’s appointment in five days. As we walked into the medical center, I looked down and this perfect little child, shuffling his feet and cooing to the trees, and felt horribly nervous for putting him through all of this. Of course, being the sweet toddler he is, he just looked at me, smiled and said “Bah!” (He is obsessed with saying bye right now.)
Three long hours later, we walked out with one of the most promising diagnoses we could have received. Wito should be just fine. Just fine.
This experience was definitely my foray into the serious worries of parenthood. However, we were one of the lucky ones. What about all of the parents who aren’t as lucky? The ones whose world is turned absolutely upside-down in the matter of a day? The ones dealing with life-threatening illnesses and life-altering diagnoses of their little ones?
To all of you who have dealt or are dealing with such situations, I just want to say that I am so sorry. It must be absolutely frightening what you are going through. It’s so hard to put into words, and I’m not trying to discount people without children’s feelings, but the love you feel for your child is different. It is different. It’s intensity can’t be described. Everything is in surround-sound; your happiness, fears, worries, joy, pride, guilt, everything.
Like I said, we were one of the lucky ones this time around. I won’t take that for granted.
With that said, I’m going to taking a break from Hair Thursdays until the new year. I’ll be leaving soon for an extended visit with my family (including my brand new nephew, Sam) and would like to focus a little more on my sweet boy over the holidays.
I’ll still be posting at ParentDish every day, and popping in here from time to time. (You just know an extended period with my family makes for excellent blog fodder.)
Once again, thank you for your thoughts and general awesomeness. Wito would also like me to tell y’all, “Bah!”
So, Bah!
lainey
December 5, 2007 at 11:20 amHi Whoorl, I’m so glad Wito is ok. I was one of those people who did have their world upside down on one ordinary afternoon (at a neurologist as well). I went to the specialist expecting to hear “pinched nerve” and I heard “stroke” instead. It was the worst day of my life. Reading your post, I could empathize with how scared you must have been.
Oh Lainey, that must have been horrible. I totally understand – “seizure disorder”, “stroke” and “optic nerve damage” were all thrown around, but luckily his condition wasn’t as serious. The doctor’s optimistic that he will even grow out of it at some point. I’m staying positive!
Sharri
December 5, 2007 at 11:41 amI’m so glad everything is okay. The worry never stops as a parent, but I suppose that the great times are worth it. Sometimes events like these make us realize how truly fortunate we are. Happy Holidays. I will miss your postings, but enjoy your much needed family time.
bethany
December 5, 2007 at 12:48 pmHave a great holiday whoorl and snuggle the bejeezus outta that giant baby of yours:) Loves!!!!!
She Likes Purple
December 5, 2007 at 12:12 pmI’m so happy for you and that in the midst of your relief, you are still considering how other people feel. You’re good people. And BAH to Wito.
Enjoy your break. Enjoy your holiday. Enjoy your boy.
Laura
December 5, 2007 at 12:12 pmI’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. Happy to hear the good news. It’s amazing what parents (mothers) go through.
OOOX,
Laura
Sarah B.
December 5, 2007 at 12:21 pmThis squeezed my heart. So much love to you and your family!
gorillabuns
December 5, 2007 at 12:45 pmcan’t wait to squeeze wito (that is, if he’ll let me) and say, i’m glad he’s okay. and warn him not to scare you like that every again!
lulu
December 5, 2007 at 12:51 pmI can’t even imagine your weekend. Just handling the pain of a cold or ear infection makes me crazy with worry, so my heart goes out to you and Wito. Take care of yourselves and I hope you have a wonderful trip and visit with your family. Hugs!
Angela
December 5, 2007 at 12:52 pmI’m so glad (SO GLAD!) to hear that everything is going to be okay. Please give Wito a big noisy belly zerbert for me, and have a safe trip!
Sarcomical
December 5, 2007 at 12:57 pmWITO!!! you are perfectly, awesomely fine. and we could not be happier. ;)
and yes, the Whoorl Family Gatherings do tend to result in entertaining photographic segments, to say the very least. have fun!
(p.s. – i won’t be coming to CA this trip, but we’re hoping i can come when he goes to pebble beach for work at the end of january/beginning of february – but i am sending you my love and WE SHALL HUG SOME DAY!!!)
Emily R
December 5, 2007 at 1:01 pmIs Wito Southern? because since I moved to the South, a lot of people pronounce it “Bah!”
am'ti b
December 5, 2007 at 1:23 pmi wish i was spending the holidays with you in ok. i miss y’all. bah now!
Miss Virginia
December 5, 2007 at 1:37 pmWhen my first daughter was born, someone told me this and it has stuck with me and is ABSOLUTELY TRUE!! “YOU are only as happy as your most UN-happy child!”
Dani
December 5, 2007 at 1:46 pmI read this after reading your email, the exact reverse of how I should’ve read it…
I am so, so happy to hear that Wito is going to be just fine, and I cannot even begin to imagine how terrifying that was for you. I hope you enjoy and savor your family visit, and all of your time with your little boy. We’ll all be here when you get back.
Amanda Brown
December 5, 2007 at 1:58 pmThings like this, while so scary in the moment, really do make us stop and force ourselves to genuinely cherish every moment we get to share with our children. I am so relieved Wito’s healthy and trouble-free. Enjoy your break and your holidays, playing Auntie.