Wanted: Professional Top Spinner

Just in case you haven’t been pummeled with daily reminders, we’re in a recession. Last month’s unemployment rate soared to 8.5%, the highest level since 1983. I’m fairly confident my most pressing issue in ’83 was choreographing dances to Duran Duran’s “Rio” in my backyard.

Here at whoorl.com, we would like to help spark the economy by adding a very special job to the employment pool.

Job Description: Professional Top Spinner

Duties and Responsibilities: Spinning assorted tops for 40 hours/week in order to satisfy a top-obsessed toddler.

Requirements:

• Must be a proficient top spinner. All mediocre top-spinning attempts will be rejected by toddler. Top must spin evenly, with absolutely no wobbling or shaking.

• Must be level-headed. If top-spinning is not to toddler’s liking, the occasional use of insults in an annoyingly-verbose-for-a-toddler manner can be expected. (Examples are “What’s a matter with you, silly goose?”, “That’s not how a top spins!”, “Why are you such a silly spinner?” and the kicker, “You are funny to me with that spinning.”)

• Must quickly adapt to the toddler-created Top-Spinning Rules. For instance, if you are spinning a group of stacking tops, you must stack them perfectly and in order of color. However, if you are playing with a singular/non-stacking top, you MUST NOT EVER spin two tops at the same time. This will cause a Toddler Meltdown of Biblical Proportions.

• While spinning tops, you must sing this song that I created for optimal top-spinning enjoyment:

(To the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle)

Spinning, spinning, spinning top
How I think your colors pop
Spinning round and round and round
You spin away but will be found
Spinning, spinning, spinning top
How I think your colors pop

(If anyone is looking for a genius lyricist, I am currently accepting offers of employment myself.)

Salary is negotiable. Please send your resumes to the Whoorl HR Department.