The Magnate

Looking for some new dysphemisms to use in your daily dialogue? Let’s peruse my new and improved smorgasbord, shall we? Besides exploring, drinking vast amounts of vodka and belting out some serious karaoke in Montana, I was privileged enough to spend a week with my sister’s husband, aka The Dysphemism Magnate. This man should be nationally recognized for his uncanny ability to roll these things off his tongue without so much as batting an eyelash. Seriously, he rattles off about 10-15 a day.

Four things you should know about The Magnate:

1) He and my father, Bishop Stu Tu, are currently deadlocked in the race towards becoming “Greatest Storyteller on the Planet”.
2) He eats massive quantities of beef. Guinness Book of World Records might be calling soon.
3) His disposition can turn your shitty day into a personal best within ten minutes.
4) His initials speak volumes about his demeanor- A.O.K. It’s all good.

I’m pretty confident he could publish a book with at least 500 of these bad-boys, so consider this a sneak peek of the genius that is The Magnate.

“I’m so hungry, I could eat the ass end of a rhino running from me.”

“I’ve known him since Moby Dick was a minnow.”

“We’re richer than two feet up a bull’s ass.”

“Damn, it’s hot. I’m foaming up like a thoroughbred on race day.”

“I’m hornier than a three-peckered billy goat.”

“I’m so hungry, my stomach is rubbing a blister on my backbone.”

“We’re lower than snake shit in a wagon wheel track.” – or did Bishop Stu Tu say that?

“I’m drunker than a nine-eyed rat.”

“It’s hotter than two racoons fucking in a rat house.”

  1. Boogie's Mom

    September 5, 2005 at 12:28 pm

    I wish I knew your brother-in-law. He sounds hilarious!

  2. lini

    September 5, 2005 at 2:00 pm

    As I read your blog, I am watching The Magnate “rest” after consuming large quantities of beef for lunch.

  3. Heidi

    September 5, 2005 at 9:31 pm

    I have a good friend who might give Bishop Stu Tu and The Magnate a run for their money. Amoung his more infamous sayings…

    “I feel like a turd in a punch bowl.”
    “It’s like jerking off with a sand paper mitten.”
    It’s like trying to eat a soup sandwich.”
    “It’s as useless as tits on a basketball.”
    “It’s like a monkey trying to fuck a football.”
    “It’s like finding two piss holes in a snowbank.”

  4. bishOp stu tu

    September 6, 2005 at 2:23 am

    whOOrl gOOrl,

    in deference to the magnate’s pomp and circumstance of late, da bishOp has not uttered many morsels of human knowledge such as…

    “it’s like wiping your ass with a bicycle tire, that shit just keeps comin’ around to get ya”

    case closed. ah didn’t want to break his spirit.

    da bishOp

  5. whoorl

    September 6, 2005 at 7:17 am

    Those are hilarious! The Magnate will have to add those to his repertoire. “I feel like a turd in a punchbowl”…my new personal favorite.

  6. ms. sizzle

    September 6, 2005 at 7:21 am

    hee hee. those are funny!