Looking for some new dysphemisms to use in your daily dialogue? Letâ€™s peruse my new and improved smorgasbord, shall we? Besides exploring, drinking vast amounts of vodka and belting out some serious karaoke in Montana, I was privileged enough to spend a week with my sisterâ€™s husband, aka The Dysphemism Magnate. This man should be nationally recognized for his uncanny ability to roll these things off his tongue without so much as batting an eyelash. Seriously, he rattles off about 10-15 a day.
Four things you should know about The Magnate:
1) He and my father, Bishop Stu Tu, are currently deadlocked in the race towards becoming â€œGreatest Storyteller on the Planetâ€.
2) He eats massive quantities of beef. Guinness Book of World Records might be calling soon.
3) His disposition can turn your shitty day into a personal best within ten minutes.
4) His initials speak volumes about his demeanor- A.O.K. It’s all good.
Iâ€™m pretty confident he could publish a book with at least 500 of these bad-boys, so consider this a sneak peek of the genius that is The Magnate.
â€œIâ€™m so hungry, I could eat the ass end of a rhino running from me.â€
â€œIâ€™ve known him since Moby Dick was a minnow.â€
â€œWeâ€™re richer than two feet up a bullâ€™s ass.â€
â€œDamn, it’s hot. Iâ€™m foaming up like a thoroughbred on race day.â€
â€œIâ€™m hornier than a three-peckered billy goat.â€
â€œIâ€™m so hungry, my stomach is rubbing a blister on my backbone.â€
â€œWeâ€™re lower than snake shit in a wagon wheel track.â€ – or did Bishop Stu Tu say that?
â€œIâ€™m drunker than a nine-eyed rat.â€
â€œItâ€™s hotter than two racoons fucking in a rat house.â€
Boogie's MomSeptember 5, 2005 at 12:28 pm
I wish I knew your brother-in-law. He sounds hilarious!
liniSeptember 5, 2005 at 2:00 pm
As I read your blog, I am watching The Magnate “rest” after consuming large quantities of beef for lunch.
HeidiSeptember 5, 2005 at 9:31 pm
I have a good friend who might give Bishop Stu Tu and The Magnate a run for their money. Amoung his more infamous sayings…
“I feel like a turd in a punch bowl.”
“It’s like jerking off with a sand paper mitten.”
It’s like trying to eat a soup sandwich.”
“It’s as useless as tits on a basketball.”
“It’s like a monkey trying to fuck a football.”
“It’s like finding two piss holes in a snowbank.”
bishOp stu tuSeptember 6, 2005 at 2:23 am
in deference to the magnate’s pomp and circumstance of late, da bishOp has not uttered many morsels of human knowledge such as…
“it’s like wiping your ass with a bicycle tire, that shit just keeps comin’ around to get ya”
case closed. ah didn’t want to break his spirit.
whoorlSeptember 6, 2005 at 7:17 am
Those are hilarious! The Magnate will have to add those to his repertoire. “I feel like a turd in a punchbowl”…my new personal favorite.
ms. sizzleSeptember 6, 2005 at 7:21 am
hee hee. those are funny!