Purple Haze

Remember long, hot summer days at the pool as a kid? Playing Marco Polo or Jump/Dive off the diving board? My personal favorite was the Olympic diving re-enactments…slowly walking to the edge of the board, making the proper wave to the American fans and executing the perfect jack-knife.

After all the diving and games, you would be famished so Susie’s mom would bring out hot dogs, lemonade and potato chips for the group. YUM. After eating and waiting the proper time before re-entering the pool (cramps, people, CRAMPS), you would jump in, only to realize that familiar sensation sneaking up on you. Tinkle town was calling. And then you would ask yourself the burning question,

Did Susie’s mom and dad put the scary pee chemical in the pool?

You know the one- the chemical that supposedly turns urine red so that all can see and mock appropriately. I never actually saw this chemical in action; in fact, I now wonder if it was an urban (or suburban) myth. But boy was I scared of freaky-red-pee situation.

You’re probably wondering why in the hell I’ve been thinking about this. Well, last night while sitting on the couch farting my brains out (oh shut up, I’m fucking pregnant and prunes are lethal), I thought, “what if they made a fart chemical that surrounded the farter’s body with a certain color?” Kind of like an aura, but smelly. I can envision it now, walking around the city, people everywhere surrounded by colors. A simulated acid trip. This invention could change the way the public views farting in general- it’s not just stinky, it’s an art! And if you could choose, what color would you be? Green? Purple Haze? Is this what Jimi was singing about?

I’ll tell you one thing, if this pregnancy gas doesn’t subside, I’m going to have a veritable rainbow coming out of my ass really soon.

  1. whoorl

    March 15, 2006 at 8:55 am

    Well, if that’s true, forget those prenatal yoga classes. Pregnancy gas AND yoga? Look out.

  2. don't call me ma'am

    March 15, 2006 at 9:30 am

    My husband has a butt TRUMPET. I’m truly envious. Now, if only it weren’t so lethal…

    I never fart either. In public. So my colors would be reserved only for me. Personally, I think it would look like Winnie the Pooh’s acid trip into Heffalump and Woozle land.

  3. Mysh

    March 15, 2006 at 10:08 am

    Thanks for the BEST out loud laugh I’ve had in a few days! Butt, I would SO not want to see the colors coming out of people I know! :O)

  4. whoorl

    March 15, 2006 at 11:12 am

    hell yes, and i would be totally pissed if i got below a 9.5.

  5. Lyndsay

    March 15, 2006 at 11:08 am

    Did you ever have your mom or dad stand by the pool and rate your dives? That was fun?