Purple Haze

Remember long, hot summer days at the pool as a kid? Playing Marco Polo or Jump/Dive off the diving board? My personal favorite was the Olympic diving re-enactments…slowly walking to the edge of the board, making the proper wave to the American fans and executing the perfect jack-knife.

After all the diving and games, you would be famished so Susie’s mom would bring out hot dogs, lemonade and potato chips for the group. YUM. After eating and waiting the proper time before re-entering the pool (cramps, people, CRAMPS), you would jump in, only to realize that familiar sensation sneaking up on you. Tinkle town was calling. And then you would ask yourself the burning question,

Did Susie’s mom and dad put the scary pee chemical in the pool?

You know the one- the chemical that supposedly turns urine red so that all can see and mock appropriately. I never actually saw this chemical in action; in fact, I now wonder if it was an urban (or suburban) myth. But boy was I scared of freaky-red-pee situation.

You’re probably wondering why in the hell I’ve been thinking about this. Well, last night while sitting on the couch farting my brains out (oh shut up, I’m fucking pregnant and prunes are lethal), I thought, “what if they made a fart chemical that surrounded the farter’s body with a certain color?” Kind of like an aura, but smelly. I can envision it now, walking around the city, people everywhere surrounded by colors. A simulated acid trip. This invention could change the way the public views farting in general- it’s not just stinky, it’s an art! And if you could choose, what color would you be? Green? Purple Haze? Is this what Jimi was singing about?

I’ll tell you one thing, if this pregnancy gas doesn’t subside, I’m going to have a veritable rainbow coming out of my ass really soon.

  1. lissa

    March 14, 2006 at 4:18 pm

    You know that new show on TV about who is going to invent the next big thing, I think you would totally win if you presented this.

  2. Heidi

    March 14, 2006 at 4:23 pm

    That would be awesome!

    I’ve always been amazed at the way my husband’s ass was designed. I’m jealous of his accoustics.

    Normally I have bad design, so I can never compete in the sound department. No matter how much force I have behind me; I can never ever get the kind of sound I’m looking for…that is unless I’m pregnant. During pregnancy, my ass grew in just the right way. For nine months I had such great accoustics that I even surprised myself. I miss that!

  3. Sarcomical

    March 14, 2006 at 5:56 pm

    i’m sorry. i can’t play your game.

    i never fart.



  4. whoorl

    March 14, 2006 at 6:16 pm


    i’ll remember this day when you are knocked up and playing a tune through your wazoo.

    by the way, i never farted either before mr. farty mcfetus entered the picture. ;)

  5. Pauly D

    March 14, 2006 at 6:38 pm

    I have always been a big fan of underwater tea parties instead of Marco Polo — at least that way I don’t have to close my eyes underwater which just plain freaks me out.

  6. whoorl

    March 14, 2006 at 6:48 pm

    Oh Pauly D, I adore you! I haven’t thought about underwater tea parties in ages…by far the best pool game ever.

  7. libragirl

    March 14, 2006 at 7:50 pm

    I am laughing so hard I’m about to cry. Could you imagine carrying your kid around and there’s just color surronding you. It would be sooooo cool

  8. Sarcastic Journalist

    March 14, 2006 at 8:59 pm

    I always worried about the red pee chemical, so I tested it out as often as I could.

    Pools never turned red.

  9. Jurgen Nation

    March 14, 2006 at 4:15 pm

    I’d be baby shit brown, the way I go at it. Purple haze sounds too pretty for the destruction around me. Sigh. I hate being messed up.

  10. Anna

    March 15, 2006 at 3:47 am

    I think the colours would all mix together, we wouldn’t be able to see for the fog ;)

    I loved those pool parties too, so much so we plan to upgrade our pool to a bigger one this year :)

  11. Nila

    March 14, 2006 at 8:54 pm

    You gave a whole new meaning to purple haze. Thanks. And I was wondering, would your color be determined by what you ate, or personality, or maybe the more you tooted, the more vibrant the colors got. I’m putting too much thought into this. It must be the gas getting to my brain.

  12. Jessie

    March 15, 2006 at 6:47 am

    You should get together with my best friend, who wants to create potpourri-scented farts. Colored farts that smell good? That might just sell.

  13. ms. sizzle

    March 15, 2006 at 7:50 am

    ha ha ha! you are brilliant (but we already knew this). my friend supple, the gas bag that she is, would always be surrounded in color. awwww.

    don’t forget that one move when you play Olympic Diver- you have snap your swimsuit from out of your ass. or was that just me?

    ;) sizz

  14. whoorl

    March 15, 2006 at 7:57 am

    Sizz- how could I forget? The butt-snap was crucial!

    My fellow inventors – with all of these good ideas, I’m definitely going to head on down to Simon Cowell’s new invention show.
    Now, I just need to think of a name…

  15. rosalicious

    March 15, 2006 at 8:52 am

    How can someone NEVER fart? I don’t believe it.

    Haven’t any of y’all done yoga? If that’s not the most fart-inducing activity, I don’t know what is.