Post Office Blues

D forced me to accompany him to the neighborhood post office this weekend. I almost died a thousand deaths. I despise our neighborhood post office. It smells of mothballs and Polident, and you have to take a fucking PAPER TICKET with a number printed on it and wait your turn like in the 1950’s or something. No line, no organization, just a trillion absent-minded peeps waiting around for their number to be called. Total bullshit.

Why am I so passionate about being forced to visit our crappy post office? Well, mainly because if you drive an extra 5 minutes from our home, you can experience the NEW FABULOUS Post Office, which doesn’t smell like Polident! And has an AUTOMATED POSTAL MACHINE! As Ferris would say, it is sooo choice. I can walk in, walk up to a machine, place my package on the scale and do all of my business with an automated teller. Need insurance or delivery confirmation? No problem. Oversized package? Bring it on. This machine does everything a postal worker could do minus the stinky postal worker breath in my face. Just me and the machine. And the best part? Everyone is scared to use it! Like it’s going to sprout teeth and eat them in one big munch. Over the holidays, I would shimmy past thirty to forty people standing in line, straight up to my shiny automated friend and get down to business. The people in line would look at me, and then at each other, thinking, “What is she doing over there?”, “Can I do that?”, “Oh, I’m afraid. It might sprout monster teeth and eat me”. I would finish in about 3 minutes, turn around, look at the line that hadn’t moved one inch, and smirk. Yes, I am the smirky girl at the post office, but C’MON! How could you not smirk at forty oblivious suckahs standing in line with their packages for days on end!

One day, an older gentleman summoned the courage to saunter over and check out what I was doing. He said something to the effect of “Oh, you youngins and your computers…I wish I could do that.”

Um, it’s a fucking touch screen, not a complex code of software engineering. Good God.

Hey, not that I’m complaining. I hope the majority of Americans never learn how to use the automated teller, thus ensuring many more pleasant days at the United States Post Office. Peace.

  1. kris

    February 20, 2006 at 11:21 am

    Hello, young whippersnapper.

    I despise going to USPS so much I’m on the very verge of ordering my stamps online. And I almost never get anything weighed on site anymore. I just slap stamps on it and hope it gets there.

    It’s worth the decrease in my blood pressure.

  2. whoorl

    February 20, 2006 at 11:42 am

    WHIPPERSNAPPER! That is TOTALLY the word I was looking for! :D

  3. kimmer

    February 20, 2006 at 12:30 pm

    I AM SO WITH YOU – I was the queen of the post office at the holidays. When the long line looked at me, I honestly think that they were thinking, “wow, I wonder who you have to know or what you have to do to be able to use that apparatus.”

  4. Alicat

    February 20, 2006 at 12:33 pm

    I’ve never even HEARD of this damn automated postal thing! what the fuck??!

  5. whoorl

    February 20, 2006 at 12:34 pm

    Kimmer- one of the myriad of reasons why we’re good friends.

  6. lini

    February 20, 2006 at 12:39 pm

    Hey youngin,I just started using a credit card at the gas pump!

  7. gorillabuns

    February 20, 2006 at 12:40 pm

    i’m excited that our local shell gas station has a miny post office that no one has figured out of it’s heavenly existence. i go in do my do, buy sugar for the kids and a lottery ticket and am out the door without waiting in the horrible one teller lines.

  8. heidi

    February 20, 2006 at 12:51 pm

    Whoorl, you are sharing the good news of the automated postal machine? I thought all savy users of the APM were to keep it’s quiet entry into the post office a secret.

  9. whoorl

    February 20, 2006 at 1:25 pm

    heidi, you read my mind. I AM MY OWN DESTRUCTION.

  10. Wendy

    February 20, 2006 at 4:27 pm

    I LOVE those automated machines, and yes, I’ve never had to wait to use one. It’s so difficult going to the post office with two kids in tow, but it makes it so much easier if I don’t have to both get them in the stroller AND wait in line. I also order my stamps online. The $1.00 service fee is so worth it. My other new discovery…The UPS Store. They’ll quote you a price for both UPS and the Postal Service, so you choose the best option. I’ve never paid a service charge that I’m aware of (although it just seems too good to be true) AND they are open on Saturday!! I’ve never had to wait there either!

  11. nabbalicious

    February 20, 2006 at 6:12 pm

    I didn’t even know there WERE automated machines! Man, where can I get one?

    I personally love the self-checkout at the grocery store. People were terrified of it at first, but now they’re all figuring out that it’s not so bad. I think we should try to keep the “it will grow teeth and bit you” myth alive. I like having this stuff all to myself!

  12. Lyndsay

    February 20, 2006 at 12:08 pm

    I LOVE the automated postal machine. They should do away with post offices all together and just have those machines at strategic locations. The ONLY downside is you can’t pick the fancy stamps if you want them – you have to take what they give you, but I am not complaining. I can do with an American flag if that means not waiting in line to do battle with a disgruntled postal employee.

  13. whoorl

    February 20, 2006 at 8:57 pm

    I am so ready for the grocery store self-checkout. It’s taking awhile to show up around here, but I’M ON IT.

  14. ms. sizzle

    February 20, 2006 at 10:32 pm

    it’s no wonder that the “older folks” don’t mosey on up to the machine, i mean, have you SEEN them try to use the credit/ATM machine at the check out line? it’s t.o.r.t.u.r.e. like, i lose 5 lifetimes waiting for them to figure out how to swipe it.

    the longer they don’t figure it out, the better of us whippersnappers will be.


  15. Nila

    February 21, 2006 at 2:39 am

    Automated post office machine. Heh, that’s small stuff. Have you ever done the automated thing at Home Depot? I have, and it is interesting. Talk about people being scared of automation.