Pardon the Mess

Hi. Did you miss me?

Turns out I had a slightly larger bandwidth issue than I originally presumed. Like upgraded my entire account to a more expensive plan only to find out that it wasn’t enough either kind of issues. So on top of returning to work and leaving my precious baby, I spent mucho evening hours involved in email conversations such as this:

Whoorl: Why is my site down when I just upgraded it?
Host: Your site has exceeded bandwidth.
Whoorl: I know this. But I upgraded like you told me to.
Host: Yes, but you are currently exceeding that plan as well. You must upgrade again.
Whoorl: I don’t understand. Why are you bleeding me dry?
Host: You have exceeded your bandwidth. Gimme your money, beaatch.
Host: Okie dokie.
Whoorl: By the way, what’s bandwidth?
Whoorl: Hello? Anyone there?


But let’s get to the nitty gritty. How was my first week back to work, you ask? Well, it was severely traumatizing. Like gut-wrenching, agonizing and horribly HORRIBLY wrong.

Oh, leaving Wito was fine, but people. PEOPLE. Do you know what it’s like trying to shove your post-partum ass into a size 2 suit? It’s not fun and frankly, not for the weak in spirit. Can we all say “muffin top” in unison?

Yet every morning, I try to fit into these suits. Like somehow, magically overnight, my hips and gut have resumed pre-pregnancy shape and TA-DAAHHHH, my suits fit again.

This is not the case. And total bullshit.

And what’s up with all this “Oh, the pounds will just MELT off when your breastfeeding!” More bullshit, people. I just read your body has to keep an extra 5-10 pounds on while breastfeeding to help create the milk.

I have 6 pounds left, and they seem perfectly content hanging out on my frame forever and ever. And frankly, even if I lost 20 pounds, my clothes wouldn’t fit due to my new motherly shape. D says I got me some curves.

Curves, my ass. Literally. I walk around all day just hoping and praying the weakening-by-the-minute seam down the back of my pants won’t bust and unleash the overflowing dam of ass on some unsuspecting bystander.

Today, I crammed into a pair of pants and immediately had to unbutton them while driving to work. Swell. In addition to the trillion things I have to prepare before my sales calls, I have to add Button Pants to the list.

Sales Binder? Check.
Proper amount of pharmaceuticals in bag? Check.
Pens, Pads, endless corporate branding? Check.
Physician sample forms? Check.
Pants buttoned and zipped? Motherfucking check. And ouch.

  1. Rachel

    December 1, 2006 at 10:52 am

    Snort. One of my legs might fit into a size 2. I’m happy enough that the first digit of mt pants size is a 1!!

  2. Wacky Mommy

    December 1, 2006 at 11:43 am

    Welcome back! And welcome to your new womanly bod.

  3. Sarah

    December 1, 2006 at 12:43 pm

    I completely empathize…or did. I, too, wanted to bash myself in the head for believing all those ignoramuses who repeated verbatim, that by breastfeeding my pregancy pounds would melt off. I had all my cool jeans in a bag waiting to be taken to goodwill for months, BUT, just last week, I tried them on again, and they fit… comfortably! My baby will be 1 in a few weeks, and I am finally back to my pre-pregnancy bod – sorta. There is hope. No, I am not working out, but I also don’t have a lot of time to eat with work and carrying for an attention craving monkey. Bonus – lots of lifting that 20 pound nugget are giving my arms definition that they never had before :)

  4. BeachMama

    December 1, 2006 at 1:37 pm

    Glad to have you back! Was wondering how the first week was going. Sorry about the clothing thing. I keep telling myself that my bones didn’t shift and one day I will fit them again… still waiting….

  5. Darren

    December 1, 2006 at 7:03 am

    Whee! You’re back!

  6. Lyndsay

    December 1, 2006 at 1:07 pm

    Yay! I missed you! Keep in mind – your bones literally shifted. Cut yourself some slack.

  7. Mrs. S

    December 1, 2006 at 8:18 pm

    You are SO AWESOME!! I love your blog. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!

    And I’m glad that the pants issue was more traumatizing than the leaving the baby issue… at least the pants issue gets better mostly on it’s own :D

  8. Angella

    December 2, 2006 at 8:05 am

    Glad you’re back…you crack me up! And I always hold onto 5-10 pounds while breastfeeding :(

    I don’t know what bandwidth is either…

  9. irish mistery

    December 2, 2006 at 8:39 am

    Another thing ‘they’ don’t tell you is that even when you lose all the baby weight-your body will still be different…welcome to motherhood! Hang in there with work..

  10. lei

    December 2, 2006 at 10:07 am

    i’m totally with you on the postpartum muffin top. not. cute.

  11. biglug

    December 5, 2006 at 6:10 am

    I don’t remember how I came across your site, but I am pregnant and due in April and really enjoy reading your blog! Good luck with fitting in your pants, I fear the day my pants stop being made of elastic.

  12. R*belle

    December 5, 2006 at 9:37 pm

    I use esosoft and they don’t have limitations on bandwidth.

  13. Bree

    January 3, 2007 at 12:39 pm

    Wow…I am six months pregnant with my first, and I just stupidly tried to put on my prepregnancy size 3 jeans. The jeans laughed at me. Reading all this is scary…maybe I’ll stop after this one is born…