This weekend was chock-full of pregnancy-related clumsiness. I think I dropped items/tripped/ran into various pieces of furniture about 53 times. And as much as I luh-huve my husband, he has that uncanny ability to totally piss me off when these events occur. His favorite question is “How did THAT happen?” and I’m pretty sure the utterance of this phrase over the weekend outnumbered Jon Stewart’s cracks on the Three 6 Mafia last night during the Oscars.
Case In Point #1- Saturday, 9:00am
D – I think I’m going to make a fried egg on an English muffin. How does that sound to you?
Me- YUMMY! Yes, I want one- thanks, honey.
(D makes his egg and puts his English muffin in the toaster oven. Which by the way, Mr. Toaster Oven-Inventor, you rock the casbah.)
Me- Why don’t you eat yours while it’s hot, and I will make my own.
D- Ok, thanks.
(cue I Love Lucy theme song – I attempt to grab an egg, but the shell is literally adhered to the egg carton. As I try to remove it, the shell cracks and yolk flies everywhere, including over the carton and other eggs)
Me- SHIT! DAAAAMN IT.
D- (looking oh-so-condescending) Hmmm, how did THAT happen?
Me- I DON’T KNOW! THE SHELL WAS STUCK TO THE CARTON! I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT! YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME? LOOK! I CAN’T GET THE REMAINING SHELL OUT! DO YOU SEE? HUH?
D- Uh, ok. Relax.
Me- Ok, moving along. Oh look, this egg pops out so easily. Why did I have to pick the shitty egg? Why is my life so unlucky? WHHHYYYYYY?
(I start to fry the egg, put my English muffin in the toaster oven, and proceed to clean out the egg carton and remaining eggs)
D- What’s that smell? Is something burning?
(English muffin is literally on fire in the toaster oven)
Me- DAMMIT!
D- Hmmm, how did THAT happen?
Me- I DON’T KNOW! I PUT IT IN THE TOASTER ON THE NORMAL SETTING AND POOF, IT CATCHES FIRE! YOU ACT LIKE I DO THIS SHIT ON PURPOSE!
D- Well, it is kind of odd…and by the way, you really should try to cut back on your cussing. We have a baby on the way.
Me- I HATE YOU!
D- I think I am going to eat my breakfast in the other room…
Me- FINE!
Case In Point #2 – Saturday, 2:30pm
(I attempt to pull the mega-jar of green olives out of the refrigerator and drop it on the travertine floor)
BAM!
D- What was that?
Me- Uh, I tried to get the olives out of the fridge and they fell on the floor.
D- Hmmm, how did THAT happen? Did they break?
Me- I don’t know…they were slippery? The jar is fine. Sorry.
D- Yep.
Case In Point #3 – Sunday, 3:00pm
(we are putting clean sheets on the bed in lovely married fashion, although I’m not allowed to put the pillowcases on D’s pillows because I don’t do it the proper way. Don’t ask.)
BAM! (Direct TV remote control falls on the wood floor and breaks apart)
D- What was that?
Me- I dropped the remote on the floor.
D- Hmmm, how did THAT happen?
Me- (sighing a defeated sigh) Dude, I don’t know. Suck a fat one. I’m going to watch the Oscars.