Why do questions from strangers about your pregnancy follow the exact same pattern 85% of the time?

The Holy Trilogy of Pregnancy-Related Questions:

1) When are you due?
2) Is it a boy or a girl?
3) Have you picked a name?

These questions are usually followed with a couple of random tidbits about their own pregnancies with a possible hand movement towards the belly- of which I DENY with a quick fake sneeze. Hands off the belly, people.

Obviously, I have no issue with telling people the due date or gender, but the name game makes me a tad uncomfortable.

Here’s the deal. We have the name picked out and we absolutely love it, but are keeping it a secret. Why, you ask? Well, it’s like our own little special unveiling when the whoorlito is born. However, this approach REALLY confuses some people… especially the people I barely know. Isn’t it always the quasi-strangers or pseudo-acquaintances that pull this type of shit? I can’t tell you how many times I have heard, “You KNOW the name, but you’re not TELLING anyone?” And they say these words with such utter confusion in their eyes. Um yes, that would be the situation jacko.

Based on those uncomfortable situations, I have chosen to completely lie regarding the name game. Because lying makes life easier, yes? Whoorlito, don’t say I never taught you anything. Everytime someone asks me if we have a name yet, I shrug my shoulders and tell them “Noooo, my husband and I can’t seem to agree on anything”. Yes, that’s right- I’ve been lying to you and you and you. And everytime, you lay off with the questions. Works like a charm.

Until this past month. The lying isn’t working anymore. Is a higher power trying to teach me an important lying lesson? Maybe because I’m in the home stretch, but strangers keep pressing and pressing, “Well do you have any options?”, “And what would those be?”, “What about family names?”, “You know, (insert name) is such a beautiful name. Don’t you think?”

OH SWEET JEBUS, leave me be! I’m not telling you anything! SHIT. Do you see the pain I’m causing myself with this lying? Long, drawn-out, “problem-solving” conversations to help me name my child who really already has a name, but I’m too much of a wimp to say “Yes, we have a name and we are keeping it a secret”.

Hi, I’m Whoorl, the people-pleaser. Nice to meet you.

So now, I guess I’ll have to tell the truth to keep from lengthy and pointless conversations about what to name my child.

I’m skeered.