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Off to a Great Start

Happy Monday, everyone! I hope you are enjoying your day. Lord knows I am!

Really, how could you NOT revel in a glorious sunny day with a comment like, “Your Attitude Is Piss-Poor and You’re Not Going To Get Away with your Bullshit” from the dear ol’ husband. Truly folks, nothing starts my day off better than being spoken to in such a manner. I get all warm and tingly just thinking about it!

Good times in the Whoorl household.

Look! I even drew you a diagram.

monday.jpg

Let me take a few steps back. I awoke this morning at 7:30am to the little guy crying for breakfast. I had fed him at 4:00am, so it was definitely time to eat. My husband got up and offered to feed him a bottle, which I thought was very thoughtful considering I had done the previous feeding.

My head hit the pillow and I sighed a breath of relief…1 more hour of sleep. 5 minutes later, Wito was crying again. I assumed D was warming the bottle and would pop into his room to give him a pacifier. Well, we all know what assumptions make out of us. A couple of fussy minutes later, I cursed to myself, got up and trudged into Wito’s room. The strong (and HUNGRY) guy had broken free from his swaddle and was generally displeased that he could move his feet around, but not his arms. I quickly removed the swaddle, popped the pacifier in and got back into bed. 5-10 minutes later, he started crying again (um yes, STILL HUNGRY) and I lay there thinking, “Why hasn’t D fed him yet? It only takes 5 minutes to warm a bottle and it’s been longer than that…Oh my God, if I have to get up again I WILL CUT OFF HIS BALLS.” D’s balls of course, not precious little Wito’s kahunas!

Annnnd some more fussing.

What. the. fuck.

I threw off the covers, stormed out of bed and stomped out of the bedroom, where I proceeded to stub the living shit out of my toe. Not good, people. Not good.

And do you know where D was during this time?

Rearranging the living room furniture.

People who know D personally are laughing hysterically right now.

Yes, rearranging the furniture. Because you know, THAT takes top priority when your son is crying and your wife is trying to sleep.

I have come to the realization that my husband is living on another planet or trying his hardest to make me run for the hills. And when I informed him of my new realization during our lovely heated discussion at earth-shattering decibels (oh yes, in front of the precious baby who just stared at us, completely confused- if that isn’t sad I don’t know what is), he informed me that I was:

1) Over-dramatic for being pissed that I couldn’t sleep
2) Trying to act like my daily life of caring for a baby is soooo tough, when clearly it isn’t (um yeah, HE. SAID. THAT.)
3) Had a piss-poor attitude
4) Full of shit

And the kicker. Drumroll please. “You better shape up your attitude before I get home.”

EXCUSE ME? Apparently, not only am I all of the above, I guess I’m four years old.

So I did what any self-respecting mother would do, told him to fuck off, wrapped my bloody carcass of a toe in a band-aid and drove to Target to buy pacifiers and mascara.

It’s going to be a great day.

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44 comments
  1. amy

    October 24, 2006 at 9:18 am

    i am pretty sure you need that if he had to wake up every 3 hours and loose precious much needed sleep he might have the same attitude and therefore you might need to just take a little mommy hiatus and go away for 48 hours and see what kind of mood he is in when you return! well but then of course…you can’t just leave precious angel baby to rearranging furniture daddy…

  2. D

    October 24, 2006 at 9:43 am

    it’s a better day today. i’m happy to know online rant/counseling works… entertaining nonetheless! i’ll pick up the bill for all—-to whom shall i make the check payable?

  3. Donovan

    October 24, 2006 at 10:43 am

    Nice recovery D. No need for details, any recovery done within 24 hours is a job well done.

  4. rebecca

    October 24, 2006 at 10:44 am

    DUDE. I am outraged on your behalf whoorl! He better be coming home with some kind of expensive present tonight, bestowed upon you on bended knee while apologizing profusely.

  5. lainey

    October 24, 2006 at 10:55 am

    Grrrr…..I’m fuming for you!

  6. Ceece

    October 24, 2006 at 1:02 pm

    clearly the man was sleepwalking/talking otherwise you should have killed him right there.

    HOpe the day goes better and he apologizes.

  7. undercover celebrity

    October 24, 2006 at 9:04 am

    Oh. My. Goodness. I am SO fired up for you.

    I think men sometimes get confused of their roles. We want them to be strong, take-charge types… right until they do it to us.

    “Shape up your attitude by the time I get home”???!!!! pretty sure my knee would have met his crotchular region followed by a, “thanks honey for the great advice, I’ll work on it.” :)

  8. Leah

    October 24, 2006 at 5:06 pm

    Thank you for the diagram. It wouldn’t have been the same without it.

    (Sounds like you two are TIRED!)

  9. gorillabuns

    October 24, 2006 at 5:59 pm

    sounds like rich…. my response would be, my isn’t your life hard, wine and conversation while talking about colors with insane people. suck it up and help, buddy!

    fortunately/unfortunately when you go back to work, he’ll really see all that you do and won’t be able to pull that bullshit response from his ass again. if he does, you have my permission to beat him senseless!

  10. margaret ann

    October 25, 2006 at 7:33 am

    so sorry whoorl! I did have to laugh at the furniture moving though–I can relate! When it is “time for a change” C will stare at the room for hours and nothing will break his concentration. The “your job isn’t so tough” conversation is still a hotly debated topic at my house too. His post sounded contrite though ;)

  11. ms. sizzle

    October 25, 2006 at 3:50 pm

    please, please tell me that he came home with his proverbial tail between his legs. because seriously? that is some f’d s**t my friend.

    i make house calls. just fyi. :)

  12. Cocodrie

    October 26, 2006 at 10:43 am

    Bwaaaaaaaaahhhh. That diagram killed me. But nothing beats the “blood carcass of a toe”. Classic.

    And, yes, the thought of D being distracted by furniture rearranging did make me laugh hysterically. Your sense of humor is just spectacular. Hugs…

  13. jege

    October 26, 2006 at 11:04 am

    I agree with most of the comments here.

    Leave Anders with D for a whole weekend, and he will learn exactly how demanding your job is.

  14. jege

    October 26, 2006 at 11:16 am

    Me again. I’ve been obsessing about what D said to you because I have had similar arguments with my husband, also named D, and jesus fucking christ, does it piss me off!!

    First of all, I can TOTALLY hear the “tone” your D used…when my D has used it, it is as though he is channeling his mother, but with more swearing. The other day it was “WHAT have I told you about leaving wooden spoons in the sink?!!!”. I could have killed him. In fact, I did, in my mind.

    It happens every so often, with the regularity of a menstrual cycle…..men get PMS, oh yes. And it’s worse with obsessive-compulsive guys, I think. My D also “arranges” stuff, and flips out when I violate one of his arrangements.

    I’m thinking of ordering a tranquilizer gun, and shooting D whenever he gets like that. Want me to order one for you?