Off to a Great Start

Happy Monday, everyone! I hope you are enjoying your day. Lord knows I am!

Really, how could you NOT revel in a glorious sunny day with a comment like, “Your Attitude Is Piss-Poor and You’re Not Going To Get Away with your Bullshit” from the dear ol’ husband. Truly folks, nothing starts my day off better than being spoken to in such a manner. I get all warm and tingly just thinking about it!

Good times in the Whoorl household.

Look! I even drew you a diagram.


Let me take a few steps back. I awoke this morning at 7:30am to the little guy crying for breakfast. I had fed him at 4:00am, so it was definitely time to eat. My husband got up and offered to feed him a bottle, which I thought was very thoughtful considering I had done the previous feeding.

My head hit the pillow and I sighed a breath of relief…1 more hour of sleep. 5 minutes later, Wito was crying again. I assumed D was warming the bottle and would pop into his room to give him a pacifier. Well, we all know what assumptions make out of us. A couple of fussy minutes later, I cursed to myself, got up and trudged into Wito’s room. The strong (and HUNGRY) guy had broken free from his swaddle and was generally displeased that he could move his feet around, but not his arms. I quickly removed the swaddle, popped the pacifier in and got back into bed. 5-10 minutes later, he started crying again (um yes, STILL HUNGRY) and I lay there thinking, “Why hasn’t D fed him yet? It only takes 5 minutes to warm a bottle and it’s been longer than that…Oh my God, if I have to get up again I WILL CUT OFF HIS BALLS.” D’s balls of course, not precious little Wito’s kahunas!

Annnnd some more fussing.

What. the. fuck.

I threw off the covers, stormed out of bed and stomped out of the bedroom, where I proceeded to stub the living shit out of my toe. Not good, people. Not good.

And do you know where D was during this time?

Rearranging the living room furniture.

People who know D personally are laughing hysterically right now.

Yes, rearranging the furniture. Because you know, THAT takes top priority when your son is crying and your wife is trying to sleep.

I have come to the realization that my husband is living on another planet or trying his hardest to make me run for the hills. And when I informed him of my new realization during our lovely heated discussion at earth-shattering decibels (oh yes, in front of the precious baby who just stared at us, completely confused- if that isn’t sad I don’t know what is), he informed me that I was:

1) Over-dramatic for being pissed that I couldn’t sleep
2) Trying to act like my daily life of caring for a baby is soooo tough, when clearly it isn’t (um yeah, HE. SAID. THAT.)
3) Had a piss-poor attitude
4) Full of shit

And the kicker. Drumroll please. “You better shape up your attitude before I get home.”

EXCUSE ME? Apparently, not only am I all of the above, I guess I’m four years old.

So I did what any self-respecting mother would do, told him to fuck off, wrapped my bloody carcass of a toe in a band-aid and drove to Target to buy pacifiers and mascara.

It’s going to be a great day.

  1. Jennifer

    October 23, 2006 at 5:22 pm

    WOAH. Guess you got a talkin’ to young lady. OUCH. Your diagram killed me. I’m assuming that your dear husband is usually a good guy our you wouldn’t have made a child with him so I won’t stoke the fire by saying what I really think of his comments.

    I really lucked out when we had our first baby because my husband was working from home at the time and saw the madness that babies created throughout the day. By the time we got our baby in bed for the night he was just as bug eyed as I was, trying to figure out what the hell had happened to us during the day.

    I hope you guys have made up by now and are both enjoying a non crying lil baby boy’s antics.

  2. sbmeepers

    October 23, 2006 at 6:08 pm

    Where exactly did you say you want the hitman, I mean, wine, sent to?

    Reason #23 that as absurdly adorable as some babies are, (cough, Anders, cough, Emily’s baby, Leta from Dooce) I cannot have one: I would go to prison for Murder with a blunt object after my husband gave me that little speech.

    Hopefully he will realize the Error of His Ways soon and get it together. Gahhhd!

  3. kris

    October 23, 2006 at 7:25 pm

    On days like this you are always welcome at my pad for wine, hairballs and Duraflame logs. Sorry, you. Chin up for tomorrow.

  4. Heidi

    October 23, 2006 at 7:41 pm

    Your diagram is hysterical!

    The first six months after my son was born, I swear my husband and I had very similiar arguements (over and over again). In fact, I think we fought more at that time then ever in our relationship. It was due to 1) lack of sleep and 2) his total denial that the party was 99% over (I’m leaving out 1% for those rare nights we actually can get out now).

    He’s a changed man now (mostly).

  5. MamaBear

    October 23, 2006 at 2:18 pm

    The ONLY thing that will EVER make fathers realize how much work taking care of a baby really is, is to leave them all alone (no grandmas, SILs, babysitters, no one) to help with the baby for several days. AND expect them to do all the things you normally do on top of that.

    My hubby was home with the baby for 2 months in the summer. AND i took the baby from him when I got home from work, it was his free time. When I was on maternity leave, he’d briefly entertain the baby when he got home but then got back to his things like homework, etc.
    Boy did he learn to respect the job!

    I can’t believe he left the baby to cry like that. There is no way I could ever do that (unless I knew the baby was fed, changed, comfortable, cuddled and was just plain old throwing a fit, and even then, not for too long).

    We have chosen our sleep-in days ahead of time – I know on Saturdays I get up in the morning and he sleeps in. But on Sundays – I sleep in and he gets up. I make sure the night before he has a really loud baby monitor next to him though and I sleep elsewhere – on the couch normally.

    I guess yelling doesn’t resolve things (and can have your toes pretty banged up- ouch!) so maybe you can arrange ahead of time who’s getting up and make it clear (although you shouldn’t have to!) that the baby shouldn’t cry for longer then say… 1 minute?

  6. Lyndsay

    October 23, 2006 at 6:35 pm

    I have NEVER read about a conversation between you and your hubby getting heated. The only thing that comes to mind is the “How did THAT happen?” conversation. You had every right to be outraged. I hope some major apologizing and ass-kissing went on after he got home from work. If not, you need creative revenge tactics.

  7. trish

    October 24, 2006 at 1:53 am

    my hubby’s been there, done that, and bought the chocolates to apologize. Seriously I think it takes them a long time to realize how much work babies are. for both parents.

  8. Jessie

    October 24, 2006 at 4:59 am

    Eek! That does not sound like a good day in the making. Also like maybe you need to get a babysitter for a day and take D on a relaxing date day. It seems that you may both need it.

  9. Colleen in Toronto

    October 24, 2006 at 6:37 am

    Are you sure D wasn’t sleep walking/furniture moving or something? I mean seriously, NO MAN no matter how stunned he is would say

    A)being a stay at home mom isn’t work
    B)shape up your attitude before I get home

    Perhaps it’s time for Mom to have a girls night out which involves coming home the NEXT afternoon to show D just how much work staying with a newborn full time isn’t!!!!

  10. eM

    October 24, 2006 at 6:52 am

    Ouch! Yeah, that’s uncalled for. When Ellie-bear was around 2 months old or so, the hubby and I had a few yelling bouts that were certainly nothing we’re proud of. The blissful glee has worn off a bit at that point and the reality of an adorable and very demanding foreign exchange student with a seriously short tempter living in your home has set in. It’s stressy as hell and sometimes people snap.

    Granted he’d better get his ass in gear and apologize in a very major way, but if he’s usually a pretty swell guy and this doesn’t happen often, I’d chalk it up to sleep-deprived lameness. Unless of course he doesn’t wake up to help with the baby most nights and isn’t getting sleep right along with you. Then kick him in the nads!

  11. Heather

    October 24, 2006 at 7:12 am

    You should have just kicked his ass right then and there!!!!!!

  12. guinness girl

    October 24, 2006 at 7:23 am

    Oh. my. GOD. This is the sort of story that makes me really worried that whenever Wilman and I have babies, I’ll be stuck suffering and he’ll toodle about life as always. Growl! I hope you kicked your husband’s ass.

    I’m sorry, Whoorl. Hugs!

  13. Lin

    October 24, 2006 at 7:43 am

    I do know that I don’t know one man who can effectively multi-task and also that they lack the prioritizing gene.

  14. Serenity Now

    October 24, 2006 at 7:50 am

    I hope the damage at Target fixed your toe and your attitude, young lady…

    Grrr…. Hate when husbands are idiots.

  15. Athena

    October 24, 2006 at 8:58 am

    Men are such fools! They have assholes for mouths! Shit spews forth! I have a plan: it’s Tuesday….that leaves you four days to make an appointment for a facial, mani, pedi, and/or massage. Then lunch with a girlfriend, all sans bebe. Leave Anders with D! For the weekend! Spend the night Saturday at a girlfriend’s house, come back Sunday afternoon! Make sure to leave the fridge empty, except for baby stuff. Then let’s just see what D has to say. A little bit of medicine will go a long way with this one, methinks. Women are SO underrated! Hang in there, chica!