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Off to a Great Start

Happy Monday, everyone! I hope you are enjoying your day. Lord knows I am!

Really, how could you NOT revel in a glorious sunny day with a comment like, “Your Attitude Is Piss-Poor and You’re Not Going To Get Away with your Bullshit” from the dear ol’ husband. Truly folks, nothing starts my day off better than being spoken to in such a manner. I get all warm and tingly just thinking about it!

Good times in the Whoorl household.

Look! I even drew you a diagram.

monday.jpg

Let me take a few steps back. I awoke this morning at 7:30am to the little guy crying for breakfast. I had fed him at 4:00am, so it was definitely time to eat. My husband got up and offered to feed him a bottle, which I thought was very thoughtful considering I had done the previous feeding.

My head hit the pillow and I sighed a breath of relief…1 more hour of sleep. 5 minutes later, Wito was crying again. I assumed D was warming the bottle and would pop into his room to give him a pacifier. Well, we all know what assumptions make out of us. A couple of fussy minutes later, I cursed to myself, got up and trudged into Wito’s room. The strong (and HUNGRY) guy had broken free from his swaddle and was generally displeased that he could move his feet around, but not his arms. I quickly removed the swaddle, popped the pacifier in and got back into bed. 5-10 minutes later, he started crying again (um yes, STILL HUNGRY) and I lay there thinking, “Why hasn’t D fed him yet? It only takes 5 minutes to warm a bottle and it’s been longer than that…Oh my God, if I have to get up again I WILL CUT OFF HIS BALLS.” D’s balls of course, not precious little Wito’s kahunas!

Annnnd some more fussing.

What. the. fuck.

I threw off the covers, stormed out of bed and stomped out of the bedroom, where I proceeded to stub the living shit out of my toe. Not good, people. Not good.

And do you know where D was during this time?

Rearranging the living room furniture.

People who know D personally are laughing hysterically right now.

Yes, rearranging the furniture. Because you know, THAT takes top priority when your son is crying and your wife is trying to sleep.

I have come to the realization that my husband is living on another planet or trying his hardest to make me run for the hills. And when I informed him of my new realization during our lovely heated discussion at earth-shattering decibels (oh yes, in front of the precious baby who just stared at us, completely confused- if that isn’t sad I don’t know what is), he informed me that I was:

1) Over-dramatic for being pissed that I couldn’t sleep
2) Trying to act like my daily life of caring for a baby is soooo tough, when clearly it isn’t (um yeah, HE. SAID. THAT.)
3) Had a piss-poor attitude
4) Full of shit

And the kicker. Drumroll please. “You better shape up your attitude before I get home.”

EXCUSE ME? Apparently, not only am I all of the above, I guess I’m four years old.

So I did what any self-respecting mother would do, told him to fuck off, wrapped my bloody carcass of a toe in a band-aid and drove to Target to buy pacifiers and mascara.

It’s going to be a great day.

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44 Comments
  • Becky

    October 23, 2006 at 12:52 pm

    Um, yeah. Sounds like you’re having a good one.

    I hope D has made a mental note of the fact that nothing pisses a woman off more than being told that taking care of the kid(s) is an easy job.

    Damn. He’s lucky those balls are still attached and not sitting in a jar somewhere.

  • Rachel

    October 23, 2006 at 1:16 pm

    DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN. I hope D was drunk or high or SOMETHING to warrant that. Because in my house, that sort of comment will get a man killllled.

    You sound like you need some cookies.

  • BeachMama

    October 23, 2006 at 1:29 pm

    Wow, was he drunk? I do have to say though that you are not alone. Almost everyone I know, including myself, has had the exact same conversation with their Hubby somewhere in the beginning of parenthood. It takes a while for the guys to clue in to how hard our jobs really are. Then, one day when you tell them how hurt you were during the conversation, he won’t remember even saying it. Trust me on that one.

    I do hope your day is getting a bit better :)

  • Another Idiot Husband

    October 23, 2006 at 2:17 pm

    I’d like to comment from a husband’s perspective, because we have to keep this fair. And as it turns out, I am a husband that performed an eerily similar tirade only yesterday afternoon.
    First off, although it may seem like it, no, we husbands are not drunk or high during these moments, that would be an easy excuse and a much easier apology process.
    See, the reason that we go off like that sometimes is… the pressure we’re under is…well, I mean, it’s a lot of work to…and it’s hard to be…baby’s cry really loud and…umm…
    Yeah. He was drunk at the time. And so was I yesterday afternoon. Sorry honey.

  • Mrs. S

    October 23, 2006 at 2:21 pm

    Um… wow and holy crap that sucks!

    He does, of course, realize that you’re a blogger, and that you’d blog about the things he said, and that he has now incurred the wrath of most of the internet?

    Mmmkay. Just checking.

  • Sadie

    October 23, 2006 at 2:28 pm

    God, I wish men could lactate, so that women could leave them to care for a squalling infant for days on end, while we flitted around like butterflies, coming and going as we pleased. The problem with these “teaching scenarios” we dream up, where we make the men responsible for everything we normally do, is that they psychologically do not compare: the men KNOW that this experiment will end in a few days. Meanwhile, the women have this gig for LIFE.

  • whoorl

    October 23, 2006 at 2:39 pm

    This is the first time I have written about a “discussion” between D an I, and YES, I do think he is quite deserving of the wrath. :)

    You all definitely know how to make a gal feel better…or maybe more pissed…no, definitely better.

  • rosie

    October 23, 2006 at 2:46 pm

    Wow that all sounds so familiar. Except we had essentially the same argument over THE DOG.

    Sounds like YOU’RE the one in need of a bottle, lady, if you know what I mean. You deserve it.

  • Neptunebaby

    October 23, 2006 at 2:54 pm

    Wow, I must say that my morning was somewhat similar in regard to the unpleasantries – although pre-baby (I am 38 weeks pregnant and we have an 8 year old son) and my husband wouldn’t dare talk to me like that unless he wanted to burn in hell for the remainder of his years. But he WAS being a lazy-ass bastard who wouldn’t get up (just one freaking time because I had a rough night) to get our son ready for school. (my husband doesn’t start work until 10 am so he thinks he should get to sleep until 9 every freaking day).

    Lazy-ass bastard + hormonal pregnant woman SO ready to not be pregnant anymore and can’t sleep at night = BIG FUCKING TROUBLE FOR LAZY-ASS BASTARD.

    ****************

    By the way.. love your site.

  • anne

    October 23, 2006 at 2:55 pm

    I just love that you picked up not just pacifiers at the store, but also mascara. Nothing makes me feel better than new make-up. Way to go! :)

  • Alicat

    October 23, 2006 at 3:03 pm

    OH NO. Whoorliegirl. That just sucks.

    In no realm of the universe is it ever okay to say those things and to talk to you in such a manner.

    *hiking my leg to kick some you-know-whats*

    I hope you feel better soon girl.

  • reluctant housewife

    October 23, 2006 at 3:06 pm

    We’ve had the exact same argument.

    My H gets mad if we wake him up on the weekend because it is the “only” time he gets to sleep in.

    My theory is that it takes men a little longer to realize that once you have kid sleeping until 8 am is sleeping in.

    Hope you did some damage at Target.

  • Beth

    October 23, 2006 at 4:18 pm

    Zowie. I read your post and I made the wide-eyed-O-mouthed face that Eddie Murphy used to make on SNL during “Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood” skits.

    I’m a fan of Lash Exact that Queen Latifah is hawking these days. The rubbery brush really does work better than traditional mascara brushes. Just a little tip for any future necessary mascara-buying sprees.

  • jonniker

    October 23, 2006 at 4:42 pm

    Um. Oh my God? I’d throttle him, and dude, yes, you were deserving of whatever you got at Target (wine? Box of wine? CRATE OF WINE IF ONLY YOU WEREN’T BREASTFEEDING OH MY GOD?)

    I know this isn’t reflective of D all the time, lest he read this and think we’re all a bunch of lynch-happy bitches, but this was an egregious error, dude. Argh.

  • Amanda

    October 23, 2006 at 5:13 pm

    Sometimes husbands are thoughtless. And SOMETIMES husbands realize the err of their ways, buy their wife some chocolate and offer to babysit while they insist their wife goes shopping for new clothes and also, sometimes husbands grovel and beg for forgiveness while giving their wife a full body massage with no expectation of sex afterwards.
    Take a hint, D, and start making up for your boo boo. :)

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