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Hair Apparent

Y’all know I’ve been working on the FAQ section lately, right? Can you guess the most popular comment/question? Go ahead, guess. Oh stop, I know what you’re thinking…my expansive knowledge of list-making, my razor-sharp wit, my brilliant commentary on environmental policies….

No?

Really? Not any of those things, huh…

Okay FINE, it’s my hair. My shallow (yet SHINY!) hair. And as much as I would like to be recognized for qualities that are admirable in the eyes of others, such is not my calling. My calling is to share the hair wealth. So, I started thinking about putting together a little hair photo essay, very smitten-esque, except instead of gazing at colorful and mouth-watering recipe preparation, you would witness a chick in her robe sans makeup dealing with hair appliances in her bathroom at 7am. Tell me, who doesn’t want to see THAT? It’s genius!

Then the doubt set in, my friends. I’ve been a little on the self-loathing track as of late. Plus, this whole “blogging is lame and narcissistic” movement that I’ve read just about EVERYWHERE. I wavered back and forth between “it would be funny and helpful” and “this might be crossing the blogging self-involvement line”.

And then I realized I don’t give a shit. The End. Let’s get on with the show!

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The cast of characters: A Mason Pearson brush and a good ceramic curling iron. Ladies (and gents?), there is nothing more important than a good brush. I just recently bought a new one, but the previous Mason Pearson I owned (and STILL used) was given to me when I was 8 years old. Forgive my math, but I do believe it lasted 24 years. They are worth the cashola, is all I’m sayin’. As for the curling iron, I have a Hot Tools Tourmaline Ceramic 1-inch iron. Ceramic is super important for the shine, and who the hell knows what the use of tourmaline is supposed to accomplish. (Un)Fortunately, I mentally wandered off to my happy place (the one where you float on chile con queso clouds) while the ULTA sales associate was explaining it to me.

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Frederic Fekkai Glossing Cream and Sheer Shine Mist. These are the only two products I use with the curling iron, and they last forever. In fact, I just buy the travel sizes. I don’t think I could ever get through the regular ones. Plus, you can pack them in your carry-on. Am I always thinking or WHAT?

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Now, stop right there. Any person who, up to this point, has been thinking, “Gee, that Whoorl is quite the narcissist”, needs to take a gander at this mug shot. And then blow me gently. Will you take a look at this sorry soul? This is the face of someone who has already showered at 6:30am because their internet-mascot-of-a-son decided to wake up at 5:15am READY! FOR! THE! DAY! But look at me, diggin’ in and doing it for the team. Holla!

Oh yeah, so step one. Take a shower. Towel-dry hair.

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Put a pea-sized drop of the glossing cream in the palm of your hand. Yes, that’s right- I don’t have man hands. The size of a pea, not a dime, a nickel or a quarter. That cream can get a leeettle on the greasy side. Rub it your palms until it warms and then work it through from the middle to the ends. While working it, look in the mirror, purr and say, “I’m worth it.”

Now, here’s a little fork in the road for everyone. I don’t blow-dry my hair unless forced. However, I know lots of you actually have to BE somewhere looking all hot and sassy in a certain amount of time. So, by all means, please blow-dry your hair at this point. You don’t need to dry it stick straight- just blow-dry while brushing to close the cuticle. (That’s right, I just sassooned you with a little hair terminology). After drying, don’t worry if your hair looks frizzy/lame/heinous/stringy. The curling iron will take care of you.

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Here I am about an hour later, after I completed my morning routine of:

1. Feeding Wito.
2. Cleaning up after Wito.
3. Dressing Wito.
4. Wiping Wito’s bum.
5. Contacting local black market for baby-selling opportunities.
6. Unloading dishwasher.
7. Belittling my husband.
8. Husband belittling me.
9. Drinking 1/2 cup of coffee. (With REAL caffeine! I’m crazy!)
10. Checking Google Reader, Twitter, Flickr and email.
11. Applying a little undereye concealer, mascara and blush.
12. Looking at wavy hair in mirror.

And there you go! Thanks for visiting the Whoorl Hair Photo Essay! See you next time!

Okay, so we’re not done for the purposes of this post, but 85% of the time, this is the end of the road for me. I’m a wash-n-wear kind of gal. Not today, however. Today I’ll be the Super Me. I know what you’re thinking, “What if the super you meets the super her and the super her rejects the super you?” Well, then it’s no problem because it was never you, it was just an act. I live my life like a French movie.

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Bring on the tools!

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Get your sexy brush and work it. Brush with many strokes (so if you have hair like mine, you get the waves to relax a little). Then pin about half of your hair up in a clippy thing.

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At this point, I realize taking photos and using a curling iron at the same time presents a challenge. Enter husband.

“Honey? I know you’re in the middle of drafting, but could I borrow you for a second?”
“Why.”
“I need you to take pictures of me curling my hair.”
“Why.”
“Because I’m doing this photo essay for Whoorl about my hair…you know, how I do it.”
“Why.”
“Because people are always asking about my hair, honey. I thought it would be funny…you know quirky kind of funny…not FUNNY, funny…I don’t think I’m some sort of comedien…comedienne? Comedienne, comedienne…wow, that word sounds kind of funny when you say it repeatedly…comedienne, cah-MEEEE-dienne, cah-meeeee-dieNNE. Heh.”

*silent, judgemental staring*

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Here’s the important part. Up until recently, I wasn’t very familiar with curling irons. I presumed you were supposed to clamp your hair down and then roll upwards like in high school. Stupid, stupid me. Apparently, you don’t use the clampy part at all. (Are you all shaking you heads right now? Like C’MON, everybody knows THAT!)

Basically, hold the iron parallel to your head, and starting a couple of inches from your scalp, wrap a 1-1/2 inch section of hair around the barrel (in the away-from-your-face direction). Continue wrapping up the barrel until you are holding the ends up against the iron and simultaneously trying to keep your fingers from blistering due to the 300 degree heat.

In the above photo, my perfectionist husband is taking his sweet-ass time lining up the shot to his liking, while my defenseless hair cauterizes and falls off.

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“WILL YOU TAKE THE PHOTO ALREADY? IT SMELLS LIKE A DAMN S’MORE IN HERE!”

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*hair breathes a sigh of relief, trembling*

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Repeat. This process shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes. Consider starting a rooster-hair trend. When curling the top layer, use much larger sections of hair to keep from looking too curling-ironish.

Here I am half-way through, thinking the bathroom light makes my skin look peachy-pretty.

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ACK! Natural light! Close the window shade already!

See how curling larger sections on top gives it a less perfectionist look? Because, you know, that’s me, Miss Carefree.

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Spray one spritz of the mist on each side of hair. Let it cool completely.

Look at clock and realize you have 20 minutes until your appointment with you-know-who. Freak out because you’re not dressed and your child is sitting in the living room naked, feasting on an electrical cord.

Yell, “FUCK!” (Just to watch your husband shudder. He does it every single time.)

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Dress yourself, dress your baby, shake your head and put on your new sexpot lip gloss. Take picture of final result. Preview photo, see nothing but blurry. Yell, “FUCK!” again. Take another photo.

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Look at photo. OCD kicks in. Hair is not looking optimal. No time to worry about it. Rush out the door and into the crazy world, spreading the hair joy. Much like a prophet.

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48 comments
  1. Bethany

    June 11, 2007 at 10:59 am

    Oh girl, you kill me, really. “Blow me gently”…. wait, did you mean that the way I thought you did? Am questioning myself now…Anyway, hair looks great. That’s what I do but I always have problems when I get to the back. Oh well. I’ve still got some pretty great strands. Man-hands, Ha-haha. Love it!

    Yes, I meant it exactly the way you thought I did. ;)

  2. Jeanette

    June 11, 2007 at 11:02 am

    Thanks for the hair demo! What color lipgloss are you wearing?

    OH MY! Let me tell you about my lip gloss. It’s NARS Foul Play (thanks to the lovely suggestions by Metalia and Bearca). It is quite honestly, the best creamy pinkish nude I’ve ever seen. It’s my new very favorite!

  3. Kelly

    June 11, 2007 at 12:35 pm

    Total “ah ha!” moment. Don’t use the clamp! That makes sense….I always feel like my hair looks like Ms. America for like an hour until the curl calms down, this makes much more sense…THANKS! My question is, do you just have a little bit of layering on top, do you razor your hair, or just blunt layers. You and I have very similar texture and length, but I am so frustrated with my hair right now. I am wondering if I have too many layers or what my deal is. I wish I could live without bangs, but my face is so fricken long, I have to have something to break up the length. Thanks for the tutorial, totally worth all the time taking pics and putting them into the post.

    Kelly, I have layers all over my hair and they aren’t blunt. The key (for hair like yours and mine) is to thin out the layers so they lie flat on your head. For instance, my stylist cuts my hair (with layers), dries it, straightens it with an iron, and THEN goes through with thinning shears (or a razor) and gets all of the bulk out of my layers. Otherwise, it looks like too much. And I hear you on the long face – me too! Keep the layers and I love your bangs!

  4. am'ti b

    June 11, 2007 at 11:40 am

    as a non-blogger, i live for your beauty and photo posts. this one is both, i am having a great day. as you know i love your hair and i am considering purchasing a curling iron b/c of how good it has been lookin’. i think i might even be able to wear my hair down, you know, controlling the curl. i hope i do your demo justice! glad you are diggin’ ff, he is a glossy feller.

    B – I think this definitely could be the answer for wearing your hair down since the curling iron smoothes out the curls. You must try it and send me a photo!

  5. sunny

    June 11, 2007 at 12:11 pm

    I vote we all do “the whoorl” and post photos of ourselves!
    I’ll try to do mine tomorrow while my toddler is napping.
    Also, I just discovered they sell Frederick Fekkai in Europe at the Douglas chain! This is a big break through because Paul Mitchell hasn’t been cuttin it at all.

    ACK! Sunny! You’re a mind reader! I am writing my post for tomorrow right now, and I’m going to start a “Good Hair Day” page next to my FAQ page. That way, you all can send me photos of yourselves on a good hair day with links to your blogs (if you have one) and I can post them here. I just set up a new email for this – hair@whoorl.com. Details coming tomorrow, but get ready to send me some photos. :)

  6. amy

    June 11, 2007 at 1:47 pm

    perfect post. you were born with incredibly thick hair…be thankful. and my hair stylist doesn’t use the clamp either.

    ok, i know you didn’t ask anything specifically of me…but i’ve replied to all the comments…so HI AMY!

  7. Lyndsay

    June 11, 2007 at 1:51 pm

    This post made my day 100% better. Thank you.

    Anything for you, Lyndsay!

  8. BeachMama

    June 11, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    Wow, awesome post. It of course makes me covet your hair even more now than I did before. I had heard of the no clamp thing, but with my pin straight hair it doesn’t do well for me. Too bad your hair didn’t go from lush and thick to thin and pin straight, you could help us all ;). If I do go back to curling it though I might invest in a ceramic iron.

    MUST buy ceramic. :)

  9. Mrs Mogul

    June 11, 2007 at 1:21 pm

    That was very entertaining! I just bought a hairdryer. can yo believe since i moved I have;t bought one in months? I also just bought Frederic Fekkai hairspray from Sephora. I have been to his salon and paid $110 for the first jennifer aniston shag haircut of the day!

    Let me know what you think about the hairspray…

  10. metalia

    June 11, 2007 at 1:46 pm

    Ooh, I love this! My pin-straight hair thanks you from the bootom of its…follicles? My forays into the world of wave-dom thus far have primarily involved spraying “beach hair” stuff on my head and waiting for the magic. I see now that it involves slightly more work, but the results are worth it.I can’t wait to give this a shot.

    The lip gloss looks great; so happy you like!

    Thanks so much for the rec!

  11. Jora

    June 11, 2007 at 1:51 pm

    You should copyright that post! Seriously, what about Avenda Be Curly? How/when does that fit in?

    HA! About the Be Curly, I posted my reply to Sunny’s comment. I’m too lazy to type it again!

  12. Kaydee

    June 11, 2007 at 1:59 pm

    Oh thank you so much for the lesson. I read while I was having lunch. It was like a lunch and a movie. LOL! I got so inspired that I tried it (minus exact product, ceramic curling iron, and brush that you use) and it works!!! I have such boring straight hair….and now I have great whoorl hair!!! Thanks!!

    Take a photo and send it to me at hair@whoorl.com so I can post it in my new gallery!

  13. lei

    June 11, 2007 at 2:50 pm

    i’ve been waffling over purchasing the fekkai glossing shampoo and conditioner. have you tried those?

    and it’s been a long time since i’ve used a curling iron, but i, too, did not know to clamp was so gauche! ;)

    Lei- I’ve only tried the FF Technician shampoo and conditioner (pink ones – they smell SO good), but they made my hair feel a little dry. If you try the glossing, let me know…and send me a photo for my hair gallery (hair@whoorl.com)!

  14. erika

    June 11, 2007 at 4:01 pm

    hmm, okay i’m following you until the part with the curling iron. i understand no clamp but what about my strawish ends from blow drying? hmm, must try.

    fantastic tutorial, pics, goodness, etc. :)

  15. Danielle

    June 11, 2007 at 4:36 pm

    At the end of the day, I think you have better hair than me. BUT I am going to buy a better brush and try brushing my hair (I thought it was a RULE to NEVER brush curly/wavy hair — only to comb). It was fun to see how you do it.

    Yes, you really shouldn’t brush curly hair! If you have super curly hair, I wouldn’t recommend this style…it might end up looking like an afro.