Get A Grip

I have underestimated The Sickness. I am powerless to its fierce grip.

Let me make a confession. When I started to feel the tickling in my throat and the itchy eyes yesterday, I was secretly relieved. After our whirlwind trip to Oklahoma, I figured it would be a good way to stay in bed for a couple of days without the guilt. D would have to take care of the baby while I lounged in bed, reading magazines and watching shitty TV (which, did I mention, we STILL haven’t purchased Direct TV DVR?!)

Little did I know that The Sickness would take my entire head hostage, conducting strange experiments involving massive amounts of snot and pressure. Add to that a healthy dose of delirium that my baby is going to contract The Sickness and be miserable until he is 2 years old. I PICKED A DRY BOOGER OUT OF HIS NOSE WITH MY DISEASED FINGER! YESTERDAY MORNING! MY BARE DISEASED FINGER! I WASHED THE FINGER DIRECTLY BEFORE THE PICKING OCCURED, BUT YOU CAN’T BE SURE! HE SURELY HAS CONTRACTED THE SICKNESS! In combination, these things can keep a girl up at night.

So, now I’m quarantined in the bedroom while D takes care of the little one out in the non-diseased areas. Once in awhile, he will open the door and let me wave at the baby. Who, by the way, has grown larger since yesterday. And probably is spouting off his ABC’s, dressing himself and has a hottie girlfriend.


I can’t focus on the magazine print, Saturday morning television blows, and all I want is to exit the bedroom and hang out. Be careful what you wish for, is all I’m sayin’.

– I now am sending D to the grocery store with my Dying of Sickness list. I just spent upwards of ten minutes explaining (with my sexy froggy voice) how saltine crackers are vastly different entities, with my personal preference being Zesta followed by Krispy followed by the horrendous Premium brand. If he comes home with Premiums, I will die. The End.

  1. Angella

    December 30, 2006 at 10:58 am

    I’ve never heard of the other brands. Apparently you would die if you were in Canada :)

    Get well soon!

  2. Sarcomical

    December 30, 2006 at 11:14 am

    yes, yes, OH YES. i am with you.

    i got very irritated last night at 12:30 when The Husband brought home chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla with my Sudafed and Alka Selzer Plus.


  3. kris

    December 30, 2006 at 11:49 am

    Anders just called me to go to Prom, so I’m thinking he’s grown even more than you previously thought . . .

    I’m kidding, people! Feel better soon. Clearly I am, given my excessive sass in this comment. No worries; God will strike me down with some other ailment within a matter of hours.

    Let me know if he screws up the crackers and I’ll bring the right ones over.

  4. BeachMama

    December 30, 2006 at 12:45 pm

    Ooh, I wish we had as many choices for saltines. Yes, in Canada you would be in trouble, Premium or ‘no name’ is about all you would get.

    Hope all came back from the store properly and that your sickies are over soon.

  5. bishOp stu tu

    December 30, 2006 at 2:22 pm

    whOOrly gOOrl…

    ima’ so sorry…! at the end of the delusional phase of the disease, you will not be able to construct a thought (by the way, the left side of your face will be sore to the touch several days from now)…and, there will be fluid in your ear.

    the crucial fever phase is right ahead now…you will shake like a wet puppy in an ice chest. perhaps, piss a wee bit in your pants.

    if you make it to the other side of the fever phase (which left mois with seven fever blisters), you will go enter the lethargy phase…no taste, stuffing head, and a deep cough… this is the easy part of The Disease.

    Anf five days into The Disease, you will hate all of mankind and pray earnestly for Saddam’s return, crOOked neck and all, and cheer as he delivers mass destruction to the shia and W peeps .

    you will make it to the other side, but your carcass will make Rosie OhDonalds’ lOOk like twiggy on crack.

    yo loving daddy.

    da bishOp

  6. whoorl

    December 30, 2006 at 2:29 pm

    Thanks for scaring the shit outta me, Dad.

  7. Elizabeth

    December 30, 2006 at 3:55 pm

    Feel better soon. We, too, are experiencing the yuck and the snot, only it started with the little one.

  8. nabbalicious

    December 30, 2006 at 4:14 pm

    That’s funny…I was just telling Darren today that I wished I could get a little mono so I could lay in bed for a week or two and not feel the least bit guilty about it. Here’s hoping!

    Feel better soon!

  9. am'ti b

    December 30, 2006 at 6:42 pm

    i am with you on being sick and being home does not help. i have been high for the last two days on mucinex d-which by the way you must give your entire bio to purchase. i guess it works!

  10. metalia

    December 30, 2006 at 7:52 pm

    So? Did he get the right type of crackers? ;)

    Feel better; a Happy (and HEALTHY) New Year’s to you.

  11. ms. sizzle

    December 31, 2006 at 9:02 am

    i love your dramatics. it makes the small amount of mucus lodged in the back of my nose/throat seem like a picnic.

  12. Emily

    December 31, 2006 at 12:39 pm

    I hope you feel better extra extra soon. At least you aren’t quarentined to the car!

    Personally, I can’t do saltines anymore. I prefer the Ritz crackers. Except I made the mistake of eating an entire sleeve of them? And then I looked at the nutrition information.


    Ritz crackers are made entirely out of lard, is what I’m saying.

  13. Emily

    December 31, 2006 at 12:40 pm


    Oh the horror.

  14. Tzitos

    December 31, 2006 at 10:46 am

    happy new year!!!