Friends Lift You Higher

February 14, 2012July 3, 2015 in Life

Since it’s Valentine’s Day, I hope you will allow me to wax poetic on relationships for a bit.

I mentioned that one of my 2012 resolutions was to rid myself of toxic relationships. I wrote about disingenuous and pot-stirring ones, but what about the relationships that always seem to bring you down? The friendships in which you don’t feel comfortable sharing happy news for fear of the negative reaction coming your way? Whether it be blatant negativity or passive aggressive jabs, it seems that we all have people like this in our life. My question to you is, WHY are these people in our life?

My wise parents taught me at a very young age that these kind of interactions are rarely about the recipient. When I would come home from school, upset about a mean-spirited statement, they would always say, “It’s not about you, it’s about them.” There could be a myriad of reasons why a person would want to rain on your parade, but it’s very, very rarely about you. My parents have branded that into my psyche. Hurtful jabs really don’t have that much to do with you.

As I’ve grown up, I’ve always kept that in the back of my mind, but in a way, it has allowed me to make apologies for this behavior. “Oh, he/she didn’t mean it, they are just having a rough time, ” or “They are dealing with some deeply-rooted insecurities regarding the issue” are some things I tell myself when I’m the recipient of such jabs. But you know what? I shouldn’t be making excuses for it. Hurtful, mean-spirited comments from a “friend” are hurtful and mean-spirited. Period, end of story.

One of the most important gifts you could ever give is to “lift your friends higher.” When something wonderful is happening to a friend, I want to be their #1 supporter, and on the flip side, nothing makes me happier than to share good news with a friend who celebrates with me. I can’t get over how many smart, talented and beautiful women (and men!) I have the pleasure to call friends. It’s insane, really. So many people doing such amazing things with their lives, and I feel so grateful when I can be a personal witness.

So! I have a couple of things to ask of you. If you are dealing with this kind of negativity from a friend, ask yourself, “is it worth it?” If you are constantly pumping positivity into a relationship, but only receiving negativity in return, maybe it’s time to reevaluate. You guys, if I’ve learned anything over the past few years, it’s that today could be your last. We’re only here once. This is it. Make every day your best. Lift people higher.

(I truly don’t know where all this motivational speaker biznass is coming from, but let’s roll with it, peeps!)

Here’s the most important part. I think, due to the above-mentioned negative behavior, that many of us tend to keep quiet about our achievements. I can’t even tell you how many times, when asked about a recent accomplishment, I look down at my feet and kick imaginary dirt, muttering something about being lucky or “I don’t know how it happened.” Well, on this lovely Valentine’s day, let’s change that. I want to hear about an accomplishment that YOU are proud of achieving – no self-deprecation, no kicking the dirt, just straight up pride, folks. It could be anything from emptying the dishwasher three nights in a row to winning a Pulitzer. Professional or personal, whatever.

Here, I’ll start. Deep breath.

Hi, I’m Sarah and I am PROUD of the hard work and consistent focus that I have put into writing my blogs for the past seven years. I know that the amazing opportunities coming my way are not luck, but a direct reflection of that commitment and focus.

Damn, that felt good! Now, it’s your turn. Don’t be shy, you guys. Reading these comments will make my week!

Life

161 comments

Kyran
February 14, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Great post, and a message that can’t be repeated too often. It hurts when others can’t/won’t share in your joy. We hurt ourselves when we give in to envy. All things come and go — we should absolutely celebrate good things when they come to us and to others. I think Sugar on the Rumpus said it all in this post. It’s specific to a writer’s jealousy, but I think it applies to all shades of green.

http://therumpus.net/2011/03/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-69-we-are-all-savages-inside/

As for myself, I had an epiphany years ago, that if I were ever to be successful, I would need to be comfortable being around other people’s success. If I wanted to achieve things, I had to be comfortable with the achievements of others. If I hoped to get lucky, I had to applaud when others did. And so on. It seems ridiculously self-evident now, but at the time it was a revelation. And a game-changer.

As someone who has been following your blog for years, it’s a thrill to watch all your hard work and passion lead you onward. I’m clapping from the front row. xo
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 3:15 pm
  
  Kyran, I read your words and think, “this is EXACTLY what I want to convey.” Just a few sentences from you capture my sentiment exactly…you are such a lovely writer, and I am so happy to have spent bits of time with you over the years.
Jill V. / TerraSavvy
February 14, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I’m proud that I have finally put myself before my three little ones. After ten years of them first and me last on the list, I am taking time to fulfill my creative writing need.

And folks, it’s AWESOME!!

Oh, and the kids are still getting fed (wholesome meals) and the laundry is done (mostly) and hubby and I are happier (because I am happy!) See…it’s all good.

Thanks Sarah – you are the best!
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 3:17 pm
  
  Woohooo, Jill! If mama’s happy, everybody’s happy!
  
  Lady, I am so thrilled we had the chance to get to know one another in Palm Springs. Your positive energy is infectious!
Mama in the City
February 14, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I’ve had to break up with two different bad news girlfriends so far. Both were messy breakups and were initiated by me. The first one used me was her emotional punching bag to deal with her crazy husband she was divorcing. The second turned out to one of those crazy people that you just can’t have involved in your life. It was tough to let them go but overall a very excellent decision for me.
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 3:17 pm
  
  Good for you!
Jen
February 14, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I am proud of myself for going back to work 6 months ago when my daughter was 14 months. It was entirely the right decision for my family. I feel valued at my place of work and I make sure that each night I have a home-cooked meal ready for my family to eat together. I am proud of waking up at 5 most mornings to fit in a pre-work gym visit so that my evenings and weekends are free to spend with my family. I am proud of also making time to see friends and my family.

I also got rid of a few toxic friends a few years ago and I’ve never looked back. It was such a waste of time and of energy. A very close friend of mine is still friends with those girls. Disappointingly, but not unsurprisingly, the years that have gone by and the children that they’ve had since haven’t changed anything. They’re still miserable. I’m so glad it’s behind me.

Such a great post and lovely, inspiring comments! Thank you, Whoorl!
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 3:22 pm
  
  You know, the toxic friend thing is so hard. It is SUCH a waste of energy, and I’m glad I’m working really hard to remedy my personal situation.
  
  As for you, I am so impressed, Jen. Exercise, work and family time are like the holy trifecta, right? When I accomplish all three in a day, I feel SO GOOD. Bravo to you for making it all work!
  - Jen
    February 21, 2012 at 8:05 am
    
    Whoorl, thanks again for this post and you WIN at life for responding to each of these comments. It was super sweet. I hope you are having a wonderful week.
Torrie @ a place to share...
February 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm

oh. i love this. you are so right and i really needed to read it today.

i don’t know if you remember, but i (inspired by you) started boot camp last year. i did my 3 mo. session, then continued to work out (via jillian videos/walking)… and then somewhere along the line, totally FELL (jumped?) off of the band wagon. Well, a couple of weeks ago, i started up again in a big way. spinning classes 3x/week and 2 days of personal [weight] training. I haven’t really written about it on the blog (out of fear of “bragging”), but it’s doing a number on me (& my ego)- physically, emotionally, mentally. Hard to explain, but I’m struggling with it… with being NEW, realizing which (and how many) areas are extremely weak… BUT at the same time IT FEELS GOOD, i’m seeing changes already, and i’m proud of myself :).
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 3:25 pm
  
  Torrie, that is AWESOME. It’s amazing what exercise will do for your mental clarity. (Not to mention the rocking bod!) The past couple of weeks have been hard for me, exercise-wise. With a lot of looming deadlines, I’ve been making excuses all the live long day. NOT ACCEPTABLE, SARAH!
  
  Your comment totally inspires me to get back to the gym tomorrow. Thank you!
glamgranola
February 14, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I’m Ann, and after spending my days and nights for 7 years devoted to my kids, I took a leap. I opened a Yoga studio in my home this past October. Guess what? People are loving my classes. Taking this leap taught me a lot about who my real friends are. My real friends where more excited than I was about following my dream. Some who I thought where my friends (and even some family) never even acknowledged my venture- It’s not about me. It’s about their insecurities! They could probably really benefit from a good Yoga class :).
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 3:30 pm
  
  Oh Ann, that is so exciting! Congratulations on your studio! Can I visit????
  
  Yes, you are so right about insecurity. I know for a fact that my recent run-in with some mean-spirited, passive aggressive jabs were completely fueled by envy and insecurity. And it just makes me so sad and confused because I’ve done nothing but build this particular person up. Like I said, though, time to move on! xoxo
gorillabuns
February 14, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Hi, my name is Shana. I’m proud I can make a perfect cocktail while making a fattening as sin gourmet meal. I’m proud of my wrinkles as I’ve earned each and every one of them. The hard way.

I need to feel better after relinquishing a few of my truly shitty relationships from this year. I hate having enemies no matter who’s fault(even though it’s not my fault. Just had to say that to make me feel better.)

I’m proud of you. I think you have morphed into something bigger than you thought you would become. That my dear is wonderful. I’m cheering you on!
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 3:32 pm
  
  Shana Banana, you know I love you more than words. Your cocktails reign supreme, your heart is bigger than the planet, and you are one hell of a loyal friend. Thanks for being my personal cheerleader!
Leslie Capron
February 14, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Amazing post! Isn’t strange we (I) can feel like we need permission to tell the world our achievements? I am blessed by good friends and family in my life and the person I need to tell to get out of my way is me. That little voice in my head that says I’m not as smart, good and talented as my friends. So, in that spirit and to remind myself that I deserve to feel good about myself too here goes:

I am proud that I worked hard in school and got an MBA. I’m proud I decided to leave a successful career to stay home to be my children’s primary caregiver and take care of my mom. This has had a profoundly positive impact on the quality of my family life. I’m proud that I’ve run marathons, and take care of myself. I love photography and am working hard to develop that skill. I’m proud that I keep things going well at home while my husband travels all week.

And Sarah your hard work is so evident in everything you do! And know that you have a cheerleader over here : ).
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 5:01 pm
  
  Leslie, first off, thank you for being my cheerleader!
  
  Secondly, you are amazing. A total superwoman. And I want to be your BFF. Seriously. BE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVAH, LESLIE. (Annnd I’ve just gone overboard, haven’t I?)
  - Leslie Capron
    February 14, 2012 at 7:40 pm
    
    You know I need you to be my next door neighbor right?!
Jessica
February 14, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Yes, you are right that too often people brush off compliments instead of being gracious without pride. It’s hard to do!

I am proud that I can work part time and still make time to do fun things with my son so he has the benefit of a stable home and a social life.
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 5:12 pm
  
  Holla! Finding that work/life balance is not easy, Jessica. Cheers!
Kathryn
February 14, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I’m proud that I put myself through law school and found a career path that worked for me, for a while. And I’m equally proud that I took this chance to step away from that job and live a different life in a different country for a while.

Someone very close to me is dealing with some toxic people and I’ve been struggling with how to help. Your perspective is really helpful – thank you.
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 5:14 pm
  
  You’re welcome. I’m just so happy that people find this post helpful. You know, sometimes I just squeeze my eyes shut and hit publish, hoping for the best. It is SO COOL that you are living in a different country. It’s something that we want to do so badly, and it’s up to us to make it happen!
ohjennymae
February 14, 2012 at 2:00 pm

my name is jenny & i’m proud of myself for putting my husband through law school, having 4 smart and beautiful babies, singing really well, being able to run 10 miles when i want to, sewing like it’s my job, taking a few good photos and being a happy well-rounded person
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 5:15 pm
  
  You rock, Jenny! (And please teach me to sew!! I have an unopened sewing machine in my garage, and I so badly want to learn.)
  - ohjennymae
    February 15, 2012 at 7:45 am
    
    any time. you could make yourself (and little miss wita) some damn-fine clothes for next to nothing.
kat
February 14, 2012 at 2:06 pm

i LOVE this so much. friends aren’t supposed to be exhausting. i had one of those exhausting “me me me” friends and finally i just said, friendship is not supposed to be so hard! i feel like friends are supposed to be your cheerleaders and support system…not a drain. giving you snaps and a you go girl on this post.

i’m proud of myself for my new role at working…and well rocking it! i’m proud of my transition and the work done thus far.
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 5:17 pm
  
  True dat, Kat. (hahah I’m a poet…) I want to thank you for being such a great cheerleader for me over the years. You have always left such great comments, and it definitely does not go unnoticed.
  
  Congratulations on work! Snaps right back at you!
Liv
February 14, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Hi, I’m Liv. I’m proud that I’ve worked hard over the past few years at making my life what I want it to be. I’m proud that I’ve bought a house all by myself and that I support myself on a good salary that I earn by working hard; I’m proud that I have a great relationship with my family and a wonderful bunch of friends; I’m proud that I’ve lost a stack of weight and feel like a new person; I’m proud that I’m 36, single, fiercely independent and happier in my life than I ever thought I could be. And I’m proud that I can actually say this in such a public forum! Thanks Sarah for giving me that opportunity.
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 5:18 pm
  
  Damn, girl! You’ve got it going ON! A hearty cheers to you – what you’ve accomplished is super impressive. :)
rebecca
February 14, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I fell way behind on my dental care over the past 3 years. So last year, I vowed to get back to the dentist and really take care of my teeth. I also wanted to find a dentist I loved so that I wouldn’t dread going to the dentist.

One year later, and WAY too many filled cavities later, I am back on top of my dental work. I finished my last filling today! And it feels DAMN good. Sometimes it’s easy to justify why I didn’t take care of this sooner: “I just moved to a new city and haven’t found a dentist” or “I was scarred by the last dentist I had” – but when I just made an effort to jump back in, chip away at the work, and promise myself to get through it, I couldn’t feel better about my teeth or myself.

Sounds silly – but I know a lot of people put off the dentist. Especially after college. Just get back in there, find a dentist you love (I LOVE mine and would recommend her to anyone) and stick with it. You need your pearly whites to last you your entire life. Take care of them!
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 5:26 pm
  
  Pearly whites all around! Nice work, Rebecca.
Caroline Cohenour
February 14, 2012 at 2:44 pm

What an important post to write! Look at all these people who relate to what you’ve written, and that is just a sliver of who you’ve touched here. I love you, friend!

I’m proud that some of my closest friends have been in my life over two decades (you go in that group!). Real and lasting friendships take work and need love and nurturing, and I’m glad that I’ve given my part to keep those friendships going…and that I was lucky enough to meet folks who see the value in those longterm friendships and keep them going with me. On Valentine’s Day of all days, I am grateful for my friends, especially those like you who have seen me through so many years and ups and downs.
- whoorl
  February 14, 2012 at 5:26 pm
  
  Well, Miss Coco, you know how I feel about you. Beyond lucky to have you in my life. FOR REALS.

Categories:

161 comments

whoorl

whoorl

whoorl

Jen

whoorl

Jen

whoorl

glamgranola

whoorl

whoorl

whoorl

whoorl

Kathryn

whoorl

whoorl

whoorl

Liv

whoorl

rebecca

whoorl

whoorl