Disaster Pie

Since Wito has officially graced us with his presence for an entire year, I received the go-ahead from my pediatrician to feed him whatever we eat. (Except peanuts, I know. OHMYGAHDON’TLETHIMTOUCHAPEANUTI’MHYPERVENTILATING.)

This new piece of culinary information has literally thrown me into a tailspin. He’s supposed to eat what I eat? Like burritos? And Frankenberry cereal? Huh? This can’t be right- Wito eats Cheerios, cheese, fruit, English muffins and Earth’s Best baby food. End of story.

Well, I guess things must change. Except, we eat dinner after he’s asleep. How is that supposed to work? I’M LOOKING AT YOU FOR SOME ANSWERS, DR. HOT. Am I supposed to be this highly confused about the matter? You would think someone just requested me to explain why Danny didn’t win So You Think You Can Dance.

This is the part where you come in to save the day. What do/did you feed your 1-year olds? (Who go to bed at 6:30-7:00. Long before our dinner commences.)

Well, I’ll tell you what you SHOULD NOT feed toddlers or frankly, any adults on the planet Earth.

Olive Pie.

Darren and I really thought we were onto something with this whole Olive Pie idea. We had been emailing for weeks about our sinful love for green olives, and how our Olive Pie could possibly be the closest thing to God. Olive Pie Lovers Unite! I spent some time searching for recipes on various popular food websites, but couldn’t seem to find much more than a British recipe for an olive and anchovy pie.

(Note to self: If you can’t find a recipe online, it’s probably NOT because you’ve brilliantly come up with the next culinary delight to sweep the nation. Nope, it’s definitely because your idea SUCKS.)

Yet, Darren and I forged ahead, ignoring all of the naysayers and pie-hatas. We decided to use a variety of green olives, red onions, mushrooms, sun-dried tomatoes and feta cheese all mixed together in a flaky pie crust. (See? Sounds downright delish!)

Very special ingredients.

Very special pie crust.

How could this not be wonderful? I KNOW! Darren jumped right in…

I hope you don’t mind, I started chopping already.

Does it look like I mind? Could you hand me that bag of chips over there?

People don’t even know what’s about to hit them. We are the pie masters.

Now, you have to admit. This looks pretty good, right?

Here I am holding the pie and wondering why a faint putrid odor has invaded my nasal membrane. Actually, I’m wondering lots of things.

1. How is this pie going to stay together when we cut into it?
2. Why are the olives shriveled? And smelly?
3. Are sun-dried tomatoes supposed to look like that?
4. Do I really like olives as much as I previously thought?
5. OHMAHGAH, are some of these olives non-pitted?
6. What kind of an asshole would try to make an olive pie?

But wait! We were prepared for this! We saved half of the filling AND an extra pie crust, ready to improve our pie. We decided raw egg could be the glue for our misunderstood pie! YES! We mixed one raw egg with the remaining filling, took one whiff of the stinky cheese/olive/raw egg mixture and…

We all know where this is leading, yes?

Whoorl and Darren’s Olive Pie, Rest in Peace.

I can’t believe I’m related to this woman.

  • Heather B.

    August 20, 2007 at 6:34 am

    Olives belong in ketel one. Shaken, not stirred.

    And I do love me some olives, also sundried tomatoes, but bleh…just bleh. If you try to feed me olive pie while I’m there, I think that might be the end of our friendship.

  • AngelaF

    August 20, 2007 at 6:58 am

    I am so glad you asked this question, since Jackson is 11 months old today, and has refused baby food as of last week. This weekend he had a deconstructed chicken soft taco, a grilled cheese sandwich, steamed broccoli, a cheese quesadilla, watermellon, banana, peas, carrots, and corn (all steamed), shredded cheese and cubes of cheese. We also eat after he goes to bed, and I didn’t want to have to start cooking dinner while trying to keep an eye on him at the same time. The idea of leftovers is so smart (duh! slaps forehead) so we will be trying that too. So far, the only thing he spits out is avacado and cottage cheese. I don’t blame him on the cottage cheese. Can’t wait to get other ideas from all the comments!

  • Amanda Brown

    August 20, 2007 at 7:38 am

    Olives make me cringe. So this pie, even just the image and thought of it, made me throw up in my mouth a little.
    You get an A for effort though.
    As far as what to feed a one year-old, here’s what Avelyn’s menu consists of:
    1. Frozen blueberries. She’d eat the whole bag if she could.
    2. Corn bran cereal. High fibre makes for nasty turds though.
    3. Fruit out the wazoo. We live in an orchard town so she’s lucky enough to eat everything in season: cherries, peaches, plums, raspberries, etc.
    4. Cheese. Oh, she’s got her mommas lust for cheese.
    5. Peeled cucumber chunks.
    6. Thinly sliced deli meat (turkey’s her fave).

    She eats these things pretty much everyday.

  • kma

    August 20, 2007 at 8:45 am

    The bigger question is: How do you people get your kids to go to bed so early! and FIVE KIDS?? all in bed by 7?? I have one 2 year old, and if we waited for him to be asleep before we ate dinner, we’d have to call it breakfast.

  • Amanda

    August 20, 2007 at 8:03 am

    I was hoping the olive pie was a success… it sounded soo good and looked like it could possibly be good. Sort of.

    Jack is lactose intolerant… and he STILL has bad acid reflux, and he pretty much hates most meat. So we struggle to come up with things to eat. He loves soy yogurt and soy cheese, quiche, avocados, blueberries, bananas… well any fruit really, sauted spinach (yeah, I know), turkey meatballs, turkey sausage, spinach and artichoke breaded veggie bites, pumpkin pancakes, scrambled eggs… I’m sure there’s plenty more but at least that gives you some ideas. Today we are trying almond butter and jelly sandwiches. We’ll see.

  • Darren

    August 20, 2007 at 8:27 am

    I think my favorite moment was when we were picking things out of the pie to snack on, and I said, “Well, the feta’s good. Have you had that?” And you were all disgruntled and said, “Pft. I have feta in my salads all the time. Fuck feta.”

    This really was without a doubt one of the most horrid things I have ever put in my mouth. And I don’t get it because the ingredients apart from one another are so good, so why wouldn’t they work together?!

    I still have high hopes for my homemade scotch, tequila, and coffee ice cream…

  • Carrie

    August 20, 2007 at 8:49 am

    That was a fabulous post. Too funny :)

  • joy

    August 20, 2007 at 9:35 am

    Have you thought of chopping up the pie ingredients (minus the crust, of course) and making a sandwhich with it? Or maybe a crostini topping? Adding a little cream cheese?

  • Natalie 42

    August 20, 2007 at 9:44 am

    Holy wow.

    It indeed has potential. I have made olive, feta, onion and tomato tarts before and have also made the same in phyllo dough. Both delicious. I found mixing just tomato and olives together for both the phyllo and regular tarts got the best response from my peeps.

    As for those sun-dried tomatoes…did you rehydrate them? Oh, and olives with pits? So completely suck when you bite one. Holy shit, I had never cussed so much in my life.

    Anyhoo, if you want some recipes I’ll send some your way.

  • LVGurl

    August 20, 2007 at 9:45 am

    Okay, your dad (da bishop?) is HILARIOUS!!

    (I was browsing your comments)

  • E!

    August 20, 2007 at 9:54 am

    Definitely highly amusing

  • Megan

    August 20, 2007 at 11:50 am

    I’ll definitely be checking back for ideas because my daughter is just about Wito’s age. Our big issue now is that she only wants to feed herself, which eliminates a whole range of my previous staples (i.e., yogurt, beans) since she can’t really use a spoon.

    Most nights, we feed her whatever we’re eating, ’cause I work during the day and usually want to keep her up to spend some time during the evening, but I’m hurting for lunch ideas.

    Some things that have worked so far (oh, yeah, we’re vegetarians, so that cuts out some things)–cheese, any kind; all manner of fruit; peas; roasted veggies, cut up; toasted cheese on bread; hummus; ravioli, usually cut up. Wow…that’s a boring menu.

  • Captain Obvious

    August 20, 2007 at 12:06 pm

    Regarding “wondering a lot of things” I must say I firmly agree with number 6.

  • B@B@(Sue)

    August 20, 2007 at 12:52 pm

    hahaha how funny

  • Sarah

    August 20, 2007 at 2:12 pm

    I applaud you for not letting pride get in the way of tossing a putrid pie, although I agree that there MUST be some use for such yummy ingredients…maybe as pizza toppings?

    As for what to feed a one-year-old, I can’t say exactly, as I’ve never been a parent to a one-year-old. But my own father loves to brag that he had me eating sushi before I could walk, and I still love the stuff. Someone else mentioned sushi, so I’m thinking you might want to try out some of that already cooked stuff (think California Rolls…) on Wito and see what he thinks!