Today, all I want to do is share all of my intriguing theories on airport bathrooms with you. These are highly controversial theories that could possibly catapult me into Discovery Channel stardom, but I can’t. Wanna know why? Because all of my mental facilities are focused on the scary effects of food on a pregnant belly. I never thought I would utter these words in my lifetime, but I am scared to eat. How could this be? What is happening to me?

This pregnancy-nausea thing has me completely baffled. It’s nearly impossible to explain, but here goes. You know when you are so hungry that you feel like throwing up? Kind of like when you’ve past the stomach-growling phase, and moved into the feeling truly rotten phase when eating sounds like torture? Ok, that’s how I have felt for most of the day. Now, most would say to eat some food for criminy’s sake YOU STUPID WHINER, but it’s not that easy because then you run the chance of eating something that makes your stomach blow up like a helium balloon while you moan and whimper in the bed ALL DAY LONG ON NEW YEARS EVE. The bloating, people. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THE BLOATING.

All day I have had an internal dialogue about my gastric state of affairs.

Why do I feel like throwing up?
I am NOT going to throw up – I’ve made it through 9 weeks and I’m not starting now.
Am I hungry?
Should I eat something?
What if I eat something and get a horrific belly ache like yesterday?
Have I eaten too much today?
Maybe I’m feeling nauseated because I have eaten too much.
But what if I haven’t eaten enough and that’s why I’m feeling nauseated?
If I were to eat something, what would give me the least amount of volatile gas?
Should I eat eat half of the meal and wait thirty minutes to see how my stomach reacts?

And then I resort to making a mental checklist of what I’ve eaten in the past 12 hours like some tweaked out anorexic calorie-counter. Bullshit. Total bullshit.

So what I am trying to say? Hell if I know. How about have a wonderful New Years Eve and a non-bloatational 2006 (yes, I know that isn’t a real word. Don’t fuck with a pissy pregnant lady).

p.s. – On a much happier note, my breasts look fabulous. Thanks for asking.

  1. Alicat

    December 31, 2005 at 7:22 pm

    uh oh…sounds like trouble is a-brewing in your tum tum. ;) lol.

    maybe instead of the usual “you took 14 hours of labor so you’ll do whatever I say” things that most moms do, you can do sort of a ‘months and months of gut busting gas that frightened your father’? :)

  2. Krisco

    December 31, 2005 at 11:25 pm

    One word, three syllables: MY LAN TA.

    Had two pregnancies, drank it like Tang in the seventies.

    Another hint: no flavor. If you get the flavor kind, ANY kind of flavor kind, it will make you wretch.

    Other than that, it is, in fact, God’s gift to pregnant women. Plus OB approved, but check with your doctor in case they’ve changed that since last year. : )

  3. ms. sizzle

    January 1, 2006 at 8:31 am

    you sound very much like my sister who is almost the same amount of weeks pregnant as you. one day she said she had to return to bed for the afternoon because her “organs were moving around.”

    ;) sizz

  4. don't call me ma'am

    January 1, 2006 at 11:39 am

    I also drank Mylanta like it was water. In fact, I think my first child is 90% Mylanta, 10% human. I agree… plain or minty flavor only. The cherry or other flavors will make you hurl.

    I also swear by the saltines (low salt, of course) by the bed. As soon as you wake up, before you even MOVE, eat at least one. The baby is just sucking all your blood sugar out of you, so you just need to gnosh constantly. That was the only way I made it through my pregnancies. I didn’t eat huge meals ever… but I did eat non-stop. Keep us posted!

  5. rebecca

    January 1, 2006 at 12:17 pm

    Yep, it’s all about constant eating. The more breakfasts I ate in the morning, the better off I was all day long. Sucks, but it’s true.

    By the way… congratulations!

  6. cj4

    January 1, 2006 at 1:38 pm

    Would it help if I told you that after a night with our good friends v and t, champs, vino, and single malt, K and I just put away a combo taco bell/McD’s fatravaganza (Sonic being too far away…)?

    If not, at least take comfort with this glimpse into your life one year from today: after our little party with the afore-mentioned friends, we were safely tucked away at 9:45 last night, having nary a doubt that the princess would be unpersuaded by our desperate pleadings at 6:15am of “please, for the love of God, can’t you just sleep a bit longer. Just. This. Once.”

    In other words, welcome to the club.

    ps – so would this also be the wrong time to ask what you’d like on the menu for The Game? Saltines and Ginger Ale, perhaps, with a side of smug smiles between K and me and topped with some “just wait til the ankles swell” sauce?

  7. LVGurl

    January 1, 2006 at 1:40 pm

    Hello! I’m a fan of your blog since my dear friend (and yours) Lizzy Lark sent me the link. Congrats on the pregnancy! That’s great news! I know you adore baby boy Ryan L., and you’ll be a great mom. I say this with great confidence even though I met you like once, 4 years ago.

    ANYWAY…I feel your pain (or rather, nausea). I’m 11 weeks with baby #2, and once again, it’s not a walk in the park. So sick sometimes that I can barely eat/function. Yet the less I eat the sicker I feel. So YES, try to eat more little things throughout the day. There are good days, which make you think “I’m in the clear!!” and bad days, which make you wonder if you ever want to be pregnant again.

    The good news?? All the upset stomach and fatigue fades away by 14 weeks. You’ll feel like Wonder Woman by 18 weeks. I promise.

    And when your baby is born, it is so great…and you’ll completely forget how you feel now.

  8. whoorl

    January 1, 2006 at 2:31 pm


    were you still inebriated when you wrote that comment? is “champs” champagne?

    as for the menu, i’ll ask D and let you know…i don’t need anything special. :)

  9. Sarcomical

    January 1, 2006 at 2:40 pm

    well, sounds like there’s a little ray of sunshine here, at least for The Husband. ;) and i bet you aren’t NOT enjoying them either.

    but good lord, i hope you feel better soon.

  10. Sarcastic Journalist

    January 2, 2006 at 8:06 am

    Oh gah. I remember those days except I always ended up barfing.

    Let me tell you that I feel for you and sometimes its just better to get it over with.

  11. Jessie

    January 3, 2006 at 7:34 am

    I’ve been away for the holidays, but I wanted to send a belated CONGRATULATIONS! on the whole pregnancy thing. That is so exciting! Good luck, and I hope this confusion with food goes away soon.

  12. Carrie

    January 3, 2006 at 7:46 am

    Thus the reason I only gained 15 pounds through my whole pregnancy. . . and actually lost five pounds the first trimester. I don’t have any advice to give, but just wanted to say I well remember those days so you aren’t alone.