Mormon Conversations With Whoorl

Did anyone see my Jayhawks stomp the Kentucky Wildcats and the Niagara something-or-others this weekend? As my friend and former co-worker Joe would say, “FREAK! Those games were freaking awesome!”

Joe is Mormon and doesn’t speak any type of profanity, so when he gets really riled up or stressed out, he just yells “FREAK! FREAK!” over and over until happiness washes back over his soul. Joe is super easy-going and couldn’t care less if I happen to let a couple of nasty words spill forth, but out of respect to him, I try to keep my trucker’s mouth on the down low.

This usually does not work well. The pressure, people. The pressure of pleasant syntax crushes me every damn time.

An example:

Joe: That referee was pretty lame.

Whoorl: Dude, what a diii…thering idiot.

Joe: Did you try that new restaurant I was telling you about?

Whoorl: Oh my Gah…lly! That place was so good! But the service sucked…(stopping myself from adding “donkey balls” to the end of the phrase and now questioning the word “sucked”. “Fuck, did I just say sucked?”, repeats in my head, throwing me off. I have officially entered crisis mode.)

Joe: (oblivious to my internal crisis) Yep, my waiter wasn’t that great. He had a huge pink mohawk.

Whoorl: Oh my God, that was my waiter! Uh, I mean, oh my gah…shit…I mean shoot. SHIT! JESUS CHRIST JOE I CAN’T DO THIS!

Joe: Whoah, dude. Take it easy.

Whoorl: Sorry.

  1. Amanda

    March 19, 2007 at 9:49 am

    haha! I find myself, in situations like these, blurting out “shitdamnfuck” after about five minutes. I too suffer from trucker-mouth syndrome.

  2. am'ti b

    March 19, 2007 at 9:21 am

    i have been informed that in “our” family the word of choice is gosh. this has taken me 11.5 years to remember, b/c as you know i come from those drinkin'(druggin’ dancin’) dirty sailor tongued sorts.

  3. Kiki

    March 19, 2007 at 9:26 am

    My Washington State Cougs are out- and Duke- gone. So, I really don’t have anyone to root for. Can I possibly jump on the Kansas band wagon, as I did watch them destroy Kentucky and I was very impressed.

    Hun, I coach women’s basketball, I have THEE dirtiest mouth ever when I coach. Try getting 10 girls not to swear when all you wanna do is tell the ref to go f- himself. Yeah, we got class like that.

  4. Dave S.

    March 19, 2007 at 9:41 am

    Go Jayhawks !!!! The Missus is from Kansas and we are huge b-ball fans. One of my life goals is to be able to see a game in Lawrence. That Allen Fieldhouse is ALWAYS rockin’.
    I have KU in the final 4, but my overall pick is Florida. That team is a real team…

  5. Brian Gardner

    March 19, 2007 at 10:01 am

    You need to tell Joe to spend a few minutes on Dooce’s blog. I bet he’d have heart attacks left and right, especially on her about page:

    I am a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) or a Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker. I do both equally well.

  6. Rachel

    March 19, 2007 at 12:44 pm

    I was just talking about swear words today with my MIL. I told her that if the baby’s first word is anything other than “shit” I’ll be very disappointed.

  7. BeachMama

    March 19, 2007 at 12:56 pm

    My girlfriend and I have similar discussions. I have just never sworn a lot, but she lets them fly, which is ok when it is just us. But add the kiddies and whoa, she is constantly smaking her hand over her mouth. When we didn’t have kids, Hubby would know I had spent the day with her because I would come home with a few extra expletives.

  8. amy

    March 19, 2007 at 1:06 pm

    oh gosh i am the biggest sailor there is. and when i am around boys parents…i must be on my best damn behavior. half the time i bite my lip. and stumble over my words. lord help the time one of his family members is at my moms house. every other word is Fuck. anders will be a sailor in no time. ha

  9. Leah

    March 19, 2007 at 3:40 pm

    Here’s something a lot of people don’t know about Mormons. They are fully capable of getting over things like swearing, even the F-bomb. This ability to deal with the world is, however, a well-kept secret–so well-kept, in fact, that a lot of Mormons don’t know it themselves. :)

  10. angela

    March 19, 2007 at 4:46 pm

    Gosh golly, that’s hilarious.

  11. little miss mel

    March 19, 2007 at 6:22 pm

    congrats on the wins. isn’t it more fun when your team actually plays in the tourny, good grief.

    I’d hang around your potty mouth anyday. I’d feel right at home.

  12. don't call me ma'am

    March 19, 2007 at 6:36 pm

    I tried giving up the Queen Mother of Dirty Words for Lent. It lasted two days.

    FREAKING potty mouth. Yeah.

  13. LVGurl

    March 19, 2007 at 7:01 pm

    I had a Mormon boyfriend in high school. Once he told me he ate chocolate, to which I replied “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Chocolate has caffeine in it! You’re going to heeeeeeeeelllll!” in a really childish, nerny-nerny-nerny kind of tone.

    He didn’t find it amusing. In fact, I think my comment caused him much anxiety. And the relationship didn’t last long.

    Anyway, your episode is good practice. Someday (too) soon Anders will evolve into a little parrot that will repeat everything you say.

  14. Brian Gardner

    March 19, 2007 at 8:30 pm

    P.S. Go Salukis. :)

  15. Darren McLikeshimself

    March 20, 2007 at 5:18 am

    I could never fucking be Mormon.