Adventures with hoagies – complete with visual and audio pleasure! (Tasty AND sexy!)
Multiple choice. Christmas day is approaching. It’s 32 degrees outside and snowing with wind gusts up to 35 miles an hour. Conditions are deteriorating rapidly, roadways are quite slushy and it’s colder than a witch’s tit. What do you do?
1) Make hot chocolate, wrap yourself in a cashmere throw and hunker down for the day.
2) Gather the family around the fireplace and sing Christmas carols.
3) Order pizza and watch some favorite DVDs.
4) Drive clear across town (and when I say across town, I mean across Oklahoma City, the SEVENTH LARGEST CITY IN AMERICA IN TERMS OF LAND AREA) to pick up a 4-foot hoagie.
Awwww, yeah. You know the answer to that.
Now, before I go any further, I must inform you that our family has a certain Griswold-esque charm. We’ve had some interesting situations in the past, therefore, we prefer to stay on the down low for our own safety, and the safety of those around us.
Like the time we were enjoying a family barbecue at my home. Dad was cooking steaks outside and the ladies were taking care of side dish duties in the kitchen. I remember washing fruit at the sink, when I suddenly noticed our extremely ancient and DRY pine tree bursting into flames in the backyard.
Turns out, my father had chucked a tiny, flaming piece of beef over his shoulder while grilling outside. That tiny, flaming piece of beef landed ever-so-softly in the ancient and DRY pine tree, and well, the rest is history.
Oh, how I long for you, Mr. Pine. Rest in Peace.
So, um yeah. The Griswolds.
After our gratuitous, smiley “I’m gonna blog this, heh” photo, we hunkered down and got serious. We had a toddler in the car, you know.
We decided it was best not to talk – we needed to focus on the task at hand. That was until Feliz Navidad came on the radio.
Game over. This was the result. (Little did my family know that I was utilizing the Voice Memo feature on my phone.) Notice how the chorus of Feliz Navidad quickly dissipates into “Blahdadaadablaaa”. The family that sings together stays together.
Then, as we were cruising a cool 40mph and caroling in faux-Spanish, this came into our view.
Dear person,
Not really a good place to leave your trailer. OKTHXBAH.
Love, Whoorl
I’m pretty sure my mother was trying to explain how, in Oklahoma, people leave their rusty trailers filled with garbage wherever they please, even if that place is smack dab in the middle of a 45 mph roadway.
Wito was all, “That’s some crazy shit, Grandma! Holla!”
It was not the most optimal day to be on the roads, but the streets weren’t icy yet. We decided to press onwards.
When we finally arrived at our destination, it was quite shiteous outside.
However, Bishop Stu Tu procured our 4-foot hoagie with careful precision. FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, DON’T SLIP WITH THE HOAGIE! SECURE THE HOAGIE!
Did I mention this massively long hoagie (which almost didn’t fit into the SUV), was going to be consumed by a mere 5 people?
So, I ask of you. Was the 4-foot hoagie really necessary?
Someone, please save me from the crazy.
Stay tuned for Adventures In Rural Oklahoma: Whoorl’s Visit To A Meat-Packing Plant Straight Out Of Deliverance!
bishOp stu tu
January 7, 2008 at 12:34 pmwhOOrl gOOrl,
my dear gawd, we ARE nutz. certifiable.
this is why people don’t come to oklahoma. it’s UNSAFE.
I always have hoped you wouldn’t be as lOOnie as moi….but, alas…
you’re worser.
with love, yo dad
SAJ
January 7, 2008 at 12:40 pmthis post makes me miss you! where are you! are you better yet?!!
bwt
January 7, 2008 at 12:44 pmOn that very day in OKC, my mom & I were braving the elements as well, only to shop for fabric to make drapes…yes, we dorks decided it was time to sew in a snow storm.
However, since I live w/in walking distance to Someplace Else, (we didn’t walk there), but we did stop in for some Sammiches on the way home to make it all better.
(Side note: I HAVE walked to the bar, Cookies, on the other end from Someplace Else in a snow storm, but that was last year’s Thanksgiving storm & we were desperate for booze…I think only fell twice on the way there & about 10 times on the way home…hmmm.)
Cookies! That’s one of the bars we used to frequent when I was like nineteen with a horrible fake ID. It wasn’t named Cookies, but the name escapes me right now….
Lisa
January 7, 2008 at 1:33 pmI definitely needed a laugh this morning, and your post did it for me! We are dealing with teething issues here (does it ever end?) Wito is so freaking cute it’s ridiculous! I love the photo of him with your mom and your caption below (or above it?)–so funny!!!
nicole
January 7, 2008 at 1:36 pmHILAREOUS! Gawd that was some good reading fun. I can’t wait to hear more about your OK trip.
Leaf, probably...
January 7, 2008 at 1:46 pmWow, that’s a lot of hoagie
Muse
January 7, 2008 at 6:19 pmI must say, reading your blog was the best way to end my day. Too funny!
Giselle
January 7, 2008 at 5:19 pmThat was way fun! :) And your dad is too cute.
I wonder if we have Someplace Else’s in Tulsa.
Leigh
January 7, 2008 at 8:02 pmSo that’s where I left that trailer! I was looking for it everywhere!
I know where I’m going for lunch tomorrow.
Karen
January 7, 2008 at 8:10 pmLurved that… your folks seem very cute! And that’s some sub!
Neil
January 7, 2008 at 8:56 pmFinally — I understand why so many of you live in Oklahoma! I want to move there, too. The California sandwiches are for sissy boys compared to that.
am'ti b
January 8, 2008 at 1:34 ami have been craving sandwiches like you wouldn’t believe. someplace else with its delicious brown bread and boars head turkey, yummy. it is on my list for summer. when d told us you were off to get a 4 footer, i of course asked, “where?” it is all clear to me now! you make me miss home and make me realize how “lovely” it is all in one post, you have the power.
amy
January 8, 2008 at 8:45 amI would love to know where on gods green oklahoma earth a hoagie is worth driving in that shit weather for! bc in that case….I NEED ONE. your family is so cute!
Constance
January 8, 2008 at 11:40 amI heart your family. May I please join KTHANX.
Spandrel Studios
January 8, 2008 at 4:15 pmI thought “hoagie” was a Philadelphia-centric name? Oh well… Your family seems like a carload of good times, Whoorl – especially your parents… No wonder you love going home!