Adventures with hoagies – complete with visual and audio pleasure! (Tasty AND sexy!)
Multiple choice. Christmas day is approaching. It’s 32 degrees outside and snowing with wind gusts up to 35 miles an hour. Conditions are deteriorating rapidly, roadways are quite slushy and it’s colder than a witch’s tit. What do you do?
1) Make hot chocolate, wrap yourself in a cashmere throw and hunker down for the day.
2) Gather the family around the fireplace and sing Christmas carols.
3) Order pizza and watch some favorite DVDs.
4) Drive clear across town (and when I say across town, I mean across Oklahoma City, the SEVENTH LARGEST CITY IN AMERICA IN TERMS OF LAND AREA) to pick up a 4-foot hoagie.
Awwww, yeah. You know the answer to that.
Now, before I go any further, I must inform you that our family has a certain Griswold-esque charm. We’ve had some interesting situations in the past, therefore, we prefer to stay on the down low for our own safety, and the safety of those around us.
Like the time we were enjoying a family barbecue at my home. Dad was cooking steaks outside and the ladies were taking care of side dish duties in the kitchen. I remember washing fruit at the sink, when I suddenly noticed our extremely ancient and DRY pine tree bursting into flames in the backyard.
Turns out, my father had chucked a tiny, flaming piece of beef over his shoulder while grilling outside. That tiny, flaming piece of beef landed ever-so-softly in the ancient and DRY pine tree, and well, the rest is history.
Oh, how I long for you, Mr. Pine. Rest in Peace.
So, um yeah. The Griswolds.
After our gratuitous, smiley “I’m gonna blog this, heh” photo, we hunkered down and got serious. We had a toddler in the car, you know.
We decided it was best not to talk – we needed to focus on the task at hand. That was until Feliz Navidad came on the radio.
Game over. This was the result. (Little did my family know that I was utilizing the Voice Memo feature on my phone.) Notice how the chorus of Feliz Navidad quickly dissipates into “Blahdadaadablaaa”. The family that sings together stays together.
Then, as we were cruising a cool 40mph and caroling in faux-Spanish, this came into our view.
Not really a good place to leave your trailer. OKTHXBAH.
I’m pretty sure my mother was trying to explain how, in Oklahoma, people leave their rusty trailers filled with garbage wherever they please, even if that place is smack dab in the middle of a 45 mph roadway.
Wito was all, “That’s some crazy shit, Grandma! Holla!”
It was not the most optimal day to be on the roads, but the streets weren’t icy yet. We decided to press onwards.
When we finally arrived at our destination, it was quite shiteous outside.
However, Bishop Stu Tu procured our 4-foot hoagie with careful precision. FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, DON’T SLIP WITH THE HOAGIE! SECURE THE HOAGIE!
Did I mention this massively long hoagie (which almost didn’t fit into the SUV), was going to be consumed by a mere 5 people?
So, I ask of you. Was the 4-foot hoagie really necessary?
Someone, please save me from the crazy.
Stay tuned for Adventures In Rural Oklahoma: Whoorl’s Visit To A Meat-Packing Plant Straight Out Of Deliverance!