Adventures in a Parking Lot

I have been planning to write about my weekend with the little sis and how, sad but true, no performance art ensued during her visit. I guess the 2005 Fall Performance Art Edition was a no-go this year. However, our lovely visit did comprise of a boat trip to Catalina Island, major shopping and great food.

Our weekend also included the consumption of one too many Ketel One martinis by yours truly, resulting in actions such as kicking four empty 5-gallon water bottles around my garage Pele-style, shoving peanut butter sandwiches down my face and posting the “jumped into a river” entry late Friday night. Unfortunately my friends, I have absolutely no recollection of these events. Furthermore, I have NO idea why I entitled my entry ‘jumped into a river’. I don’t live near a river, nor was I planning to jump into one that evening. At least I don’t think so. You see, this is what happens when I foolishly think I can throw back the cocktails in the same manner as the good old days of high tolerance and a 24-year old liver.

Maybe I should lay off the sauce.

I am still planning on dishing out the details of our weekend excursion (including photos), but my irritation with an American Idol has-been takes precedence today.

Has anyone watched American Idol the past couple of seasons? If so, do you all remember this guy? C’mon, you have to remember sweet Matt with the big dimples. The positive-thinking-happy-go-lucky-aw-shucks-used-to-play-football-but-I’m really-a-teddy-bear guy. Isn’t he the greatest? NO. HE’S NOT THE GREATEST. HE IS A RUDE PARKING SPACE NAZI ASSHOLE FROM HELL.

Let me explain. Actually, let’s take a couple steps back. I have several parking garage/lot annoyances, as I’m sure most of you have as well. Some of these annoyances include people who drive r e a l l y s l o w l y around the lots, drivers who totally steal the space that you sooo were waiting for, and the most annoying, people who take thirty minutes to get into their car, check their mirrors, start the engine, fix their hair and finally put it into reverse while you are patiently waiting for the spot. Now, I am very understanding in certain situations. Handicapped individuals, moms with young children, elderly folks- I am as patient as Ghandi. I will even go as far to assume that some people aren’t aware you are waiting for their space (although, COME ON dumbasses, you know you see us). But today, Matt took the cake.

I was in a very crowded small parking lot with absolutely no open parking spaces. I drove around and finally spotted an empty space next to a black BMW that was backed into it’s space. As I drove up to the spot a man on his cell phone walked to the BMW, opened the door, sat in the driver’s seat and continued to chat away on his phone with the driver door wide open. Obviously, the open door was blocking me from parking in the empty space. So I sat there. And sat some more. Clearly, this man could see me waiting for the spot considering his car was backed into the space and HE WAS LOOKING DIRECTLY AT ME. So I inched my car up a little. No response- door still wide open. What in the hell? I started to wonder if this person was mentally inept. I tried again, still nothing! I stared at the dude long and hard- he stared back at me. He looked familiar. For God’s sake, it’s Matt from American Idol. Turns out Mr. Nice Guy is actually a big asshole. Finally, after three attempts at inching into the parking space, he shut the door, gave me a cocky look and sped off. OH, YOU’RE SO COOL AND FAMOUS.

  1. Cocodrie

    October 18, 2005 at 6:14 pm

    Lay off the sauce?! That’s crazy talk. Olives soaked in Ketel are known to scientifically increase one’s sweet dance moves. Whoorl + Ketel + olives = Dance Off Queen!

    Also, note to Matty, AMERICAN IDOL makes you a D-list celeb at most. And that may be stretching it. No amount of self-absorbed “I’m a celeb, really!” behavior or fine German automotive leather is going to change the fact that your 15 minutes are behind your sorry ass.

  2. Jessie

    October 19, 2005 at 6:28 am

    If that had happened to me yesterday (the day of raging PMS and general bitchiness) it would have totally been possible that I would have just pulled into the parking spot and took the door right off his little car. I can’t believe what an asshole move he pulled! I also hate when people give me dirty looks for something that is their fault. It makes me want to not be my normal polite self, and instead do something to really piss them off. Gah! (I think the raging PMS may still be here, actually.)

  3. shoesonwrong

    October 19, 2005 at 8:21 am

    This post is totally awesome for two reasons:

    1) That washed up American Idol story made my day for some reason.

    2) This post is long enough that it pushes that HORRENDOUS PICTURE OF RACHEL RAY off the screen. Really. I clicked on your link the other day and that monstrosity showed up — my husband happened to be walking by at the time and screamed, “SWEET JESUS MAKE IT GO AWAY.”

  4. Boogie's Mom

    October 19, 2005 at 9:57 am

    I didn’t even know he lived around here. I’ll have to keep my eyes out for yet another jerk driver/parker in SoCal!

  5. ms. sizzle

    October 19, 2005 at 11:09 am

    ohhh! i hated that guy and now i have more reason!! what an asshat. i hate people like that. what makes them think they are better?

    i don’t understand deluded people.

  6. ms. sizzle

    October 19, 2005 at 11:10 am

    p.s. don’t lay off the sauce you nut ball. just don’t mix sake and wine. trust me on that one.

  7. gorillabuns

    October 19, 2005 at 7:48 pm

    ummm…didn’t he suck? i think you were way more patient than me. i would’ve pulled in enough to where he couldn’t even close his door and then parked and left. rude motherf…..
    and if you quit drinking that means i have to quit drinking and we couldn’t have drink-a-thon conversations… that just can’t happen

  8. Jurgen Nation

    October 19, 2005 at 12:48 pm

    Dude, what a dick. He LOST! Why the ‘tude? I think the only thing he was good for singing are those inspirational army/war songs, like the one from the early 90s. Everything else? SUCKAGE.

  9. jenny

    October 19, 2005 at 4:00 pm

    he’s barely famous! and he’s kind of an egomaniac…

    waiting patiently for the fun sister weekend details… :)