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A Plea for Internet Help

in Family, Wellness

Dear Internets,

Am I crazy?

Love,
Whoorl

Ya’ll, I really want to tell you about our 1,500-mile road trip from last week, but my GOCD (Germ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is going to take precedence today.

As you know, I have been dealing with The Sickness, passed so gingerly along over the holidays by my father, Bishop Stu Tu. And as much as I would like to kick him so gingerly in the ass, he sold me my mother’s Lexus for an astoundingly low price during said holiday visit. So, you’re off the hook, DAD.

I had to purchase a vehicle because one of the perks of being a pharmaceutical rep is a company car, and we all know I am no longer employed as a pharmaceutical rep. Hence, no car. And while we’re on the subject, let’s discuss the other things I lost by quitting my job; you know, to give me one more brief panic attack.

1. A six-figure salary
2. Free 2006 Jeep Grand Cherokee
3. Free car insurance
4. Free gas
5. Health insurance
6. Freedom to plan my day as I please
7. Limited face-to-face contact with my boss (4 times/year)
8. Company Amex to buy treats and such
9. Free health advice from physicians, which really complements my GOCD

Wait, I think I’m having a heart attack.

Ok, I’m good. No wait.

Ok, yeah. Breathing.

But HEY, let’s not dwell on those things! Let’s talk about what I gain!

1. Wito! Wito! Wito!
2. Pajamas all day long if I please
3. No more corporate bullshit meetings
4. Long daily walks to the beach
5. No more physician ass-kissing
6. Hanging out with SAJ at the park
7. The time to focus on little things I enjoy (cooking! photography! blogging!)
8. A purpose
9. Did I mention Wito! Wito! Wito!?

Feeling better now.

Anyhoo, I have been more than mildly obsessed with The Sickness taking a hold of little Wito. To the point of not touching him since last Friday morning.

Seriously.

I haven’t touched, nor been within 5 feet of him for the past 5 days. D has done literally everything- feeding, cleaning, and playing- this entire time. Which is truly a great thing for two reasons- 1) wow, what a great dad he is and 2) he now knows exactly what I’m talking about when I’m dropping dead from exhaustion at the end of the day. I can’t tell you what vindication I felt when he peeked his head into the bedroom a couple of nights ago and said, “This is REALLY hard. I’m exhausted by 7:00!”

Cue clouds parting, angels singing and the beautiful sunlight filling the room.

YES! He gets it!

The tremendous help from D had to end when he returned to work yesterday. Luckily, I had the nanny to help around the house while I met with my boss to give him my notice. That was until she called me mid-meeting to tell me she was hurling all over my house. Oh, and apparently, diarrheaing (surely, not a word) explosively as well. OMG. Luckily, it was a menstrual situation – um yes, ladies, she vomits and experiences not fun GI issues every month when her period starts. Certainly not fun, but at least not some scary rotavirus that would have thrown me over the edge.

This led to the dilemma. How am I going to take care of this child without getting him sick? I know you all are out there yelling at the screen to get over myself and just DEAL with the germs. I hear you, but HEY, I’m a new mom! Cut me some slack!

So, I went to Rite Aid. And bought surgical masks. And wore them around the house like a crazy person. And managed to scare the shit out of my son when we awoke from his peaceful slumber to see this looking down at him.

mask.jpg

Please don’t even get me started on the foggy-glasses syndrome. It seems the hot, germy breath rising from my mask fogs my glasses. This causes an array of additional problems, namely tripping over objects and running into walls.

Hmmm. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, am I crazy?

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29 comments

  1. Amanda

    January 3, 2007 at 9:35 pm

    I hope you feel better soon, but I am glad that D has had a taste of the 24/7ness (also, surely not a word) of parenting. I think all dads should have to go through that.
    I am so happy for you that you’re able to stay home with Anders. And jealous, too. I might have to go back (part time, mind you) because our mortgage is swallowing us whole. :(

  2. Jessie

    January 4, 2007 at 4:30 am

    Yeah, no offense, but if that’s how I was greeted awake from my nap I think it would scare the crap out of me too. I hope you feel better soon so you can stop scaring the crap out of your son :)

    Also, I hope you have a great time at home with your adorable little guy.

  3. Jennifer

    January 4, 2007 at 7:58 am

    ACK!! I think that would scare anybody just waking up from a nap. You’re so funny.

    I’m not sure how it works but I’ve had a few pretty nasty illnesses and they never seem to pass to my kids. I’ve never really gone out of my way to prevent it either.

    I hope the illness goes away soon.

  4. ms. sizzle

    January 4, 2007 at 8:09 am

    let’s back up- she has explosive shits and barfs EVERY month?! i am so grateful my cramps and mood swings is all i have to deal with! good lord!

    i’m glad to hear D gets it. that’s a monumental moment! :)

    feel better.

  5. cheri

    January 4, 2007 at 10:40 am

    Oh Darlin:
    That is so freakin hilarious and scary at the same time. As a Physician Assistant with 5 (yes countem 5) kids. PREPARE yourself!! The germs are everywhere!! Sorry to tell ya, but they are on your hands more than anywhere else. Just wash your hands and love your babe. And. for. Godsake. Throw away the masks before you scare your kid to death! LOL

  6. lissa

    January 4, 2007 at 11:31 am

    Oh my gosh that picture is classic! I’m laughing so hard. I hope you get better soon.

  7. Darren McLikeshimself

    January 4, 2007 at 5:24 am

    I don’t think you’re officially crazy until you wear the mask out in public.

  8. Married Jen

    January 4, 2007 at 12:28 pm

    That was hilarious.

    I don’t think you’re officially crazy until you wear the mask out in public AND holding Anders over a railing in a tall building.

  9. Melissa

    January 4, 2007 at 12:40 pm

    De-lurking to say…You aren’t crazy. You are just DAMN funny!

    ps. You should incorporate that pic into your banner….I love it!

  10. BeachMama

    January 4, 2007 at 1:03 pm

    Don’t think you are crazy at all. Although I never had to wear a mask as my son always caught the germs first, my Mother would come by and wear a mask so she wouldn’t pass on the germs to her other grandchildren. The kids got used to it pretty quickly.

    And I would say that you are probobly not contagious anymore, but it’s your call ;).

  11. lin

    January 4, 2007 at 2:28 pm

    Married Jen’s comment made me laugh. You don’t have a balcony, do you?

  12. Jora

    January 4, 2007 at 3:31 pm

    I feel your pain on the quitting your job dilemma (I was a lawyer in my last life…) But it all comes down to this: I could never get these days back with my baby, but I can always go back to work! On the germ issue: I too was a germaphobe until Charlie started crawling. Then you just realize nature makes these babies put their hands on the floor and then in their mouths for a reason. I don’t know — some people would say it’s to build up their immune systems or something. I can’t say I fully buy that, but it somehow makes the germ issue fade in importance. Hope you feel better!!

  13. whoorl

    January 4, 2007 at 3:37 pm

    Yes, Married Jen wins for best comment.

  14. amy

    January 5, 2007 at 9:14 am

    this post made me laugh b/c my mom does the same thing. although its us she punishes with the surgical masks while we are sick and we must also use gloves if we touch the phone. my stepdad and her flip out if someone comes over and is sick. i thought my mom was the only one that took these type of measures to insure no spreadage of germage. you continue to crack me up.