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Hair Apparent

Y’all know I’ve been working on the FAQ section lately, right? Can you guess the most popular comment/question? Go ahead, guess. Oh stop, I know what you’re thinking…my expansive knowledge of list-making, my razor-sharp wit, my brilliant commentary on environmental policies….

No?

Really? Not any of those things, huh…

Okay FINE, it’s my hair. My shallow (yet SHINY!) hair. And as much as I would like to be recognized for qualities that are admirable in the eyes of others, such is not my calling. My calling is to share the hair wealth. So, I started thinking about putting together a little hair photo essay, very smitten-esque, except instead of gazing at colorful and mouth-watering recipe preparation, you would witness a chick in her robe sans makeup dealing with hair appliances in her bathroom at 7am. Tell me, who doesn’t want to see THAT? It’s genius!

Then the doubt set in, my friends. I’ve been a little on the self-loathing track as of late. Plus, this whole “blogging is lame and narcissistic” movement that I’ve read just about EVERYWHERE. I wavered back and forth between “it would be funny and helpful” and “this might be crossing the blogging self-involvement line”.

And then I realized I don’t give a shit. The End. Let’s get on with the show!

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The cast of characters: A Mason Pearson brush and a good ceramic curling iron. Ladies (and gents?), there is nothing more important than a good brush. I just recently bought a new one, but the previous Mason Pearson I owned (and STILL used) was given to me when I was 8 years old. Forgive my math, but I do believe it lasted 24 years. They are worth the cashola, is all I’m sayin’. As for the curling iron, I have a Hot Tools Tourmaline Ceramic 1-inch iron. Ceramic is super important for the shine, and who the hell knows what the use of tourmaline is supposed to accomplish. (Un)Fortunately, I mentally wandered off to my happy place (the one where you float on chile con queso clouds) while the ULTA sales associate was explaining it to me.

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Frederic Fekkai Glossing Cream and Sheer Shine Mist. These are the only two products I use with the curling iron, and they last forever. In fact, I just buy the travel sizes. I don’t think I could ever get through the regular ones. Plus, you can pack them in your carry-on. Am I always thinking or WHAT?

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Now, stop right there. Any person who, up to this point, has been thinking, “Gee, that Whoorl is quite the narcissist”, needs to take a gander at this mug shot. And then blow me gently. Will you take a look at this sorry soul? This is the face of someone who has already showered at 6:30am because their internet-mascot-of-a-son decided to wake up at 5:15am READY! FOR! THE! DAY! But look at me, diggin’ in and doing it for the team. Holla!

Oh yeah, so step one. Take a shower. Towel-dry hair.

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Put a pea-sized drop of the glossing cream in the palm of your hand. Yes, that’s right- I don’t have man hands. The size of a pea, not a dime, a nickel or a quarter. That cream can get a leeettle on the greasy side. Rub it your palms until it warms and then work it through from the middle to the ends. While working it, look in the mirror, purr and say, “I’m worth it.”

Now, here’s a little fork in the road for everyone. I don’t blow-dry my hair unless forced. However, I know lots of you actually have to BE somewhere looking all hot and sassy in a certain amount of time. So, by all means, please blow-dry your hair at this point. You don’t need to dry it stick straight- just blow-dry while brushing to close the cuticle. (That’s right, I just sassooned you with a little hair terminology). After drying, don’t worry if your hair looks frizzy/lame/heinous/stringy. The curling iron will take care of you.

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Here I am about an hour later, after I completed my morning routine of:

1. Feeding Wito.
2. Cleaning up after Wito.
3. Dressing Wito.
4. Wiping Wito’s bum.
5. Contacting local black market for baby-selling opportunities.
6. Unloading dishwasher.
7. Belittling my husband.
8. Husband belittling me.
9. Drinking 1/2 cup of coffee. (With REAL caffeine! I’m crazy!)
10. Checking Google Reader, Twitter, Flickr and email.
11. Applying a little undereye concealer, mascara and blush.
12. Looking at wavy hair in mirror.

And there you go! Thanks for visiting the Whoorl Hair Photo Essay! See you next time!

Okay, so we’re not done for the purposes of this post, but 85% of the time, this is the end of the road for me. I’m a wash-n-wear kind of gal. Not today, however. Today I’ll be the Super Me. I know what you’re thinking, “What if the super you meets the super her and the super her rejects the super you?” Well, then it’s no problem because it was never you, it was just an act. I live my life like a French movie.

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Bring on the tools!

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Get your sexy brush and work it. Brush with many strokes (so if you have hair like mine, you get the waves to relax a little). Then pin about half of your hair up in a clippy thing.

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At this point, I realize taking photos and using a curling iron at the same time presents a challenge. Enter husband.

“Honey? I know you’re in the middle of drafting, but could I borrow you for a second?”
“Why.”
“I need you to take pictures of me curling my hair.”
“Why.”
“Because I’m doing this photo essay for Whoorl about my hair…you know, how I do it.”
“Why.”
“Because people are always asking about my hair, honey. I thought it would be funny…you know quirky kind of funny…not FUNNY, funny…I don’t think I’m some sort of comedien…comedienne? Comedienne, comedienne…wow, that word sounds kind of funny when you say it repeatedly…comedienne, cah-MEEEE-dienne, cah-meeeee-dieNNE. Heh.”

*silent, judgemental staring*

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Here’s the important part. Up until recently, I wasn’t very familiar with curling irons. I presumed you were supposed to clamp your hair down and then roll upwards like in high school. Stupid, stupid me. Apparently, you don’t use the clampy part at all. (Are you all shaking you heads right now? Like C’MON, everybody knows THAT!)

Basically, hold the iron parallel to your head, and starting a couple of inches from your scalp, wrap a 1-1/2 inch section of hair around the barrel (in the away-from-your-face direction). Continue wrapping up the barrel until you are holding the ends up against the iron and simultaneously trying to keep your fingers from blistering due to the 300 degree heat.

In the above photo, my perfectionist husband is taking his sweet-ass time lining up the shot to his liking, while my defenseless hair cauterizes and falls off.

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“WILL YOU TAKE THE PHOTO ALREADY? IT SMELLS LIKE A DAMN S’MORE IN HERE!”

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*hair breathes a sigh of relief, trembling*

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Repeat. This process shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes. Consider starting a rooster-hair trend. When curling the top layer, use much larger sections of hair to keep from looking too curling-ironish.

Here I am half-way through, thinking the bathroom light makes my skin look peachy-pretty.

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ACK! Natural light! Close the window shade already!

See how curling larger sections on top gives it a less perfectionist look? Because, you know, that’s me, Miss Carefree.

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Spray one spritz of the mist on each side of hair. Let it cool completely.

Look at clock and realize you have 20 minutes until your appointment with you-know-who. Freak out because you’re not dressed and your child is sitting in the living room naked, feasting on an electrical cord.

Yell, “FUCK!” (Just to watch your husband shudder. He does it every single time.)

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Dress yourself, dress your baby, shake your head and put on your new sexpot lip gloss. Take picture of final result. Preview photo, see nothing but blurry. Yell, “FUCK!” again. Take another photo.

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Look at photo. OCD kicks in. Hair is not looking optimal. No time to worry about it. Rush out the door and into the crazy world, spreading the hair joy. Much like a prophet.

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48 Comments
  • little miss mel

    June 11, 2007 at 8:01 am

    dude, that was just fabulous. Thank you for making me smile and write down potential hair products all before 9am.

    classic post my fab friend. well done.

    How was the “hot doc visit”? Everything you wanted and more?

    Dr. Hottie was very hot. Per usual. Although, he had a blousy-type button up shirt on and it almost broke the deal entirely. I’ll forgive him for wardrobe offense, but just this time…

  • Jill

    June 11, 2007 at 8:08 am

    You crack me up! And just to let you know, I’ve done hair for 9 years and I’ve never heard of not using the clamp – so you’re giving me a good lesson and I’ll give it a try. Nice locks lady!

    Thanks! And yes, the no-clamp is great!

  • Cricket

    June 11, 2007 at 9:20 am

    Oh… hot doctors and great hair. Doesn’t get much better then that.
    BTW- You have opened my eyes to the none use of the clampy-thing! I’ve tried curling my hair all cute, and end up having my hair look like it was surgically removed from, like, Marilyn Monroe and reattacted to me. Not a good look. Well, maybe for Marilyn, but not me. Thanks!

    I can’t believe all comments about the clamp! I feel it! I’m starting a trend!!

  • Andrea

    June 11, 2007 at 8:39 am

    A very important question for you–how is it your hair looks so great before you even take the brush or curling iron to it? Is the secret in the glossing cream? I would give anything for a wash and go look and spesificly request that with each cut, but it just never happens for me.

    I will definitely be trying the new curling iron technique, to think I’ve been doing it 8th grade style for all these years.

    Thanks Andrea. Honestly, I think the secret’s that I just got lucky with genetics (thanks mom and dad!). I will say that I have many layers cut into my hair, and my stylist thins out my hair with thinning shears on every visit. I think that is the reason it dries without too much frizz or heaviness. A good stylist is the most important – if she didn’t do these things to my hair, I would have quite a heavy mess on my hands. :)

  • karina

    June 11, 2007 at 8:57 am

    You are too funny!
    Thank you for the lesson and great tips. I plan on using the curling iron tomorrow without the clamp.

    Thank you for sharing. Your blog site is terrific.

    Do it! You’ll love it!

  • undercover celebrity

    June 11, 2007 at 9:04 am

    Genius. Pure, unadulterated genius.
    But, riddle me this: Why do they bother with the curling iron clamp if you’re not supposed to use it?

    You are supposed to use the clamp. Just like you are supposed to think french manicures are classy and supposed to wear chip-clips in your hair in public for a casual look.

  • Isabel

    June 11, 2007 at 9:13 am

    I love how your all “my stylist thins out my hair with thinning shears on every visit”…dude, my hair is so limp and flat that I would be bald if my stylist attempted to thin my hair out. AHHH!!

    But you, my friend, are hott and fabulous.

    (I admit I LOVE posts like this. I’m always looking for ways to improve on my look. Thanks for taking the time to do this.)

    Thanks, Isabel. Power to the hair!

  • Woman with Kids

    June 11, 2007 at 10:17 am

    I love your hair, it looks great. And sadly? I had no idea I wasn’t supposed to be using the clampy thing. How do I get my ends to not look like electrified straw?

    Please come to my house and teach me.

    The clamp thing just makes hair look, well, clamped. I promise you, not using the clamp part will greatly help the electrified straw problem! House calls…hmmm, interesting idea. ;)

  • Annika

    June 11, 2007 at 9:20 am

    What shampoo do you use? Do you condition? How do you style the back of your hair? Furthermore: that non-wrapping action with the curling iron BLEW MY MIND.

    Hey Annika! Right now, I’m using Infusium Moisturizing shampoo and conditioner because that’s what my husband uses and I’ve been out of mine. Usually, I use Back to Basics Pomegranate. I like them both. As for styling the back of my hair, it’s long enough to part down the middle and bring forward to curl in front of my shoulders. I LOVE conditioner. I leave it on for quite awhile.

  • LVGurl

    June 11, 2007 at 9:37 am

    Great tutorial WITH humor! I learned something useful, and I had a good chuckle, thank you. I can free now myself from bottom-curling and clamp-using.

    Free yourself!

  • Jen

    June 11, 2007 at 9:54 am

    This IS helpful and funny! And it doesn’t even look like it takes too long. I think I might have to buy a new curling iron… mine is ancient and still crusted with early ’90s big bang hairspray. Yikes! Thanks for doing this!

    Jen, it doesn’t take long at all! I have lots of hair and the curling part takes less than ten minutes (I divide my hair into 10 sections). Please get a ceramic iron- the metal ones will fry your hair. :)

  • Heather B.

    June 11, 2007 at 10:01 am

    I did the same quasi-narcissistic thing for my readers the other day and dude! so helpful. And so not narcissistic, you’re just trying to help the internet and provide some quality information out there. Everyone should want and needs happy hair and you’re more than willing to put it out there.

    Finally, you wouldn’t mind if I touched or anything in Chicago, would you?

    HB, I saw that post and LOVED it! And yes, you can only touch if I can touch yours…

  • rebecca

    June 11, 2007 at 10:07 am

    Freaking awesome. The super me would never reject the super you because you have better hair than I do.

    But I totally want to try this. Need new curling iron stat! The one I have is about 10 years old and METAL rather than ceramic tourmaline or some other mineralistic substance (oh, the horror).

    Rebecca – ULTA has has good ones on sale. Throw that metal thing away!! :)

  • sunny

    June 11, 2007 at 10:25 am

    I have tears welling up in my eyes. seriously, that was soooo good. it was magical! I have similar hair (layers, wavy) and that was some useful shit.

    I also didn’t know the whole thing about not clamping down. dude.

    some questions

    1. when blow drying, do you use a diffuser?
    2. where does the “Be Curly” come in?
    You know what needs to come next, don’t you?!
    A step by step on the straight haired Whoorl.
    Just saying!

    Hi Sunny! First off, due to all of these clamp comments, I’m beginning to think I’ve made this all up in my head, thus inventing the BEST IDEA EVER!!

    As for the blow drying, I do own a diffuser. Do I use it? Not so much. Here’s why – usually, if I am blow-drying my hair, it means I’m doing it straight. If I am planning to wear it wavy, I have found that the LESS I touch my hair, the better. Seriously, if I pull out the diffuser and crunch, my hair ends up looking horrible. So, if I am doing the natural wavy look (no curling iron), I work a quarter-size dollop of Be Curly through my hair and let it air dry. The waves always end up setting very nicely. It kind of sucks if you’re in a hurry, but when I was working, I would just shower very first thing in the morning and by the time I left for work, it would be damp-dry.

    As for the straight hair post, I’ll definitely do that soon!

  • nabbalicious

    June 11, 2007 at 10:57 am

    Ahhh, thank you! You are the best, and a total babe to boot. I’m going to run out and get me some of them products so I can go all Single White Female on your ass.

    Love the “Singles” shout-out, too!

    Nabb, be sure and buy the travel sizes. The larger ones cost 3x more and you’ll never get through them. :)