A Plea for Internet Help
Am I crazy?
Ya’ll, I really want to tell you about our 1,500-mile road trip from last week, but my GOCD (Germ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is going to take precedence today.
As you know, I have been dealing with The Sickness, passed so gingerly along over the holidays by my father, Bishop Stu Tu. And as much as I would like to kick him so gingerly in the ass, he sold me my mother’s Lexus for an astoundingly low price during said holiday visit. So, you’re off the hook, DAD.
I had to purchase a vehicle because one of the perks of being a pharmaceutical rep is a company car, and we all know I am no longer employed as a pharmaceutical rep. Hence, no car. And while we’re on the subject, let’s discuss the other things I lost by quitting my job; you know, to give me one more brief panic attack.
1. A six-figure salary
2. Free 2006 Jeep Grand Cherokee
3. Free car insurance
4. Free gas
5. Health insurance
6. Freedom to plan my day as I please
7. Limited face-to-face contact with my boss (4 times/year)
8. Company Amex to buy treats and such
9. Free health advice from physicians, which really complements my GOCD
Wait, I think I’m having a heart attack.
Ok, I’m good. No wait.
Ok, yeah. Breathing.
But HEY, let’s not dwell on those things! Let’s talk about what I gain!
1. Wito! Wito! Wito!
2. Pajamas all day long if I please
3. No more corporate bullshit meetings
4. Long daily walks to the beach
5. No more physician ass-kissing
6. Hanging out with SAJ at the park
7. The time to focus on little things I enjoy (cooking! photography! blogging!)
8. A purpose
9. Did I mention Wito! Wito! Wito!?
Feeling better now.
Anyhoo, I have been more than mildly obsessed with The Sickness taking a hold of little Wito. To the point of not touching him since last Friday morning.
I haven’t touched, nor been within 5 feet of him for the past 5 days. D has done literally everything- feeding, cleaning, and playing- this entire time. Which is truly a great thing for two reasons- 1) wow, what a great dad he is and 2) he now knows exactly what I’m talking about when I’m dropping dead from exhaustion at the end of the day. I can’t tell you what vindication I felt when he peeked his head into the bedroom a couple of nights ago and said, “This is REALLY hard. I’m exhausted by 7:00!”
Cue clouds parting, angels singing and the beautiful sunlight filling the room.
YES! He gets it!
The tremendous help from D had to end when he returned to work yesterday. Luckily, I had the nanny to help around the house while I met with my boss to give him my notice. That was until she called me mid-meeting to tell me she was hurling all over my house. Oh, and apparently, diarrheaing (surely, not a word) explosively as well. OMG. Luckily, it was a menstrual situation – um yes, ladies, she vomits and experiences not fun GI issues every month when her period starts. Certainly not fun, but at least not some scary rotavirus that would have thrown me over the edge.
This led to the dilemma. How am I going to take care of this child without getting him sick? I know you all are out there yelling at the screen to get over myself and just DEAL with the germs. I hear you, but HEY, I’m a new mom! Cut me some slack!
So, I went to Rite Aid. And bought surgical masks. And wore them around the house like a crazy person. And managed to scare the shit out of my son when we awoke from his peaceful slumber to see this looking down at him.
Please don’t even get me started on the foggy-glasses syndrome. It seems the hot, germy breath rising from my mask fogs my glasses. This causes an array of additional problems, namely tripping over objects and running into walls.
Hmmm. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, am I crazy?