Maternity Leave – Day One

Well, well. Hello there.


What to do, what to do, what to do.

It’s 8:08 on Monday morning and I already don’t know what to do with myself.

It’s really peculiar not having to work. Even though my job is based from home, I still have to put on a suit (which lately has been a short sleeve blouse and the only skirt left that fits EVERYDAY), get in my company car and go to work.

Now, not so much.

And of course, being the uber-planning types, D and I have completed nearly everything for the baby. Down to the slightest of details. I mean, D even goo-goned the DON’T REMOVE stickers off the car seat and I completed a list of things that we need to pack in the hospital bag that we currently can’t pack in the hospital bag because we are using them. And it’s color-coded by importance.

I’m just shitting ya. It’s not color-coded.

Or is it?

Basically, we’re ready to roll, people.

So last night, I made a little list of remaining tasks before Whoorlito makes his grand appearance.

1) Go to Target (of course I forgot a couple items during my trip yesterday- see below)
2) Urban Outfitters – cute tops that might work well for breastfeeding.
3) Finish washing baby clothes, baby sheets, baby blankets, baby everything.
4) Install car seat, which was previously installed, but I had to get the car detailed.
5) Buy nursing sleep bras. (YES, I know. Don’t buy the real things until the milk comes in.)

This is how the list looks as of 8:18 this morning.

1) Target – bought items online last night. CHECK.
2) Urban Outfitters – still need to go, thank jebus for getting me out of this hot house.
3) Laundry – finishing last load as I type this. CHECK.
4) Car seat – D will put it back in this morning.
5) Nursing bras – did hours of research this weekend – bought online. CHECK.

Maternity leave is so fun. Oh, I know. I should enjoy this time off, go to the beach, take long walks, etc. But it’s so hot outside! The beach looks miserable, the swamp-ass kicks in on my walks, I don’t enjoy watching television during the day, and I am trying to limit the radiation that is permeating my baby’s head while I type on this laptop. So, that’s that.

Moving along.

Let’s talk about stupid people. Yesterday at Target, D and I were minding our own business, pushing our rinky-dink cart around, when we stopped to grab some shaving cream. We pushed our cart up against one of the partitions and walked over to the aisle. After we picked out the shaving cream (which took several minutes because D had to read every single label and then wonder why a certain FOAM shaving cream had been pulled off the market- is it because of the environment? Cutting Costs? Why is foam so different from gel? He hates the gel! OH SWEET LORD, JUST PICK ONE!), we headed back to the cart.

Hmmm, no cart. Where was our cart? We looked up and down the aisles, couldn’t find the cart, but we did notice that another cart was sitting right next to the scene of the crime. And it hadn’t been moved or touched in about 10 minutes. Some lame-ass idiot had taken our cart. And before you assume I am being too judgmental regarding the lame-ass idiot, let me explain what was in the two carts.

3 packages of floss

Gigantic economy package of toilet paper
2 4-foot tall mops
Assorted snacks
A bunch of crap
ANNNNDDD, the lame-ass idiot’s el-cheapo fake leather purse was sitting in it!

C’mon people. I understand a little cart mix-up now and again, but these two carts could not have looked any more different. And the purse! HELLO.

We grabbed a new cart and started over. Twenty minutes later, I looked down that aisle and it was STILL SITTING THERE. Some mindless boob was walking around with our kidnapped floss and lotion, not even realizing she was missing her purse (I assume containing her belongings and money), her mops and her 5,000 other items.

I tend to belong to the camp that believes people can’t possibly be that inept. Which then forces me to believe these people are purposefully trying to ruin my day. You know, the ones at the mall that stop directly in your line of movement to look around or grab something out of their purse (um, yeah. FUCKING MOVE). Those people are sooo doing that on purpose. Trying to take me down with them.

But this Target event challenged my beliefs a little. People really are THAT inept. Very sad. I wonder if she ever figured it out…probably when she got to the front of the packed check-out line and realized her purse was missing. Thus forcing everyone else in line to wait for her to find her damn purse. Wait, so maybe my beliefs haven’t been challenged…that boob WAS out to ruin people’s days.

  • ms. sizzle

    July 24, 2006 at 9:35 am

    ditching your cart is one thing but ditching it with your purse? that is clear idiocy!

    can you sit still long enough without having to put your feet up? maybe you should take yourself to a movie? it’s air conditioned in there!

  • Lyndsay

    July 24, 2006 at 10:36 am

    How many weeks are you now? Could this happen any day?

  • kimmer

    July 24, 2006 at 10:45 am

    Idea for you on time wasting activity: research a baby memory book that is not gaudy, cheesy, etc.

  • whoorl

    July 24, 2006 at 10:48 am

    Lyndsay- I’m 38 weeks. The babe is fully-cooked, dropped and ready to go.

    Kimmer- I forgot about that! I’m on it…

  • Jessie

    July 24, 2006 at 10:59 am

    Here’s an idea (even though you’re trying not to watch tv) – make a list of movies you’ve always wanted to see but never got the chance to, and rent them. That way even if Whoorlito arrives early you have something to watch while recovering and breastfeeding. I like kimmer’s idea too. That would definitely take up some time and be fun too.

  • sarcastic journalist

    July 24, 2006 at 12:45 pm

    It is so cute how you are so organized. Really. We were organized with our first, too. The second? I packed the bag for the hospital WHILE I was in labor.

  • Sara

    July 24, 2006 at 12:55 pm

    You look great! Best of luck to you; I’m jealous of your organization. We were going to have our baby at home, and then didn’t (long story). I ended up at the hospital wearing ONLY a tank top. I didn’t even have my glasses on…

  • BeachMama

    July 24, 2006 at 6:45 pm

    You are sooo organized. Enjoy these few days while you have them. I like the movie suggestion, catch up while you can.

    Otherwise, do all the last few things that you can’t do with a baby in it’s carseat, like hair, nails, massage.

    You will be the most organized Mom ever, can’t wait to hear all about it.

  • Heidi

    July 24, 2006 at 7:07 pm

    I find that idiots tend not to have common sense, but also do not have a functioning sense of common courtesy. This makes the ability to accept the idiots in our midst even more difficult. I love your “idiot” stories. They’re always good for a laugh.

    Enjoy these next few days!

  • Meredith

    July 24, 2006 at 7:13 pm

    I hope that this rant doesn’t come back to bite you in the ass. After the baby comes it is possible that you wil be the one missing your purse and pushing around someone else’s cart because the baby is sick and crying and won’t allow you to put her down, even for a second while you try to collect your thoughts long enough to pick out the right flavor of Listerine! God forbid, it happens to the best of us!

  • whoorl

    July 24, 2006 at 8:01 pm

    Meredith- you don’t happen to frequent a certain Southern California Target, do you?

  • don't call me ma'am

    July 24, 2006 at 9:46 pm

    If people weren’t that inept, I’d be out of a job. And trust me… my job security will outlive me.

    My sister-in-law started writing letters to her baby everyday, beginning about a week or so before his due date. She continued daily in his first month, and then monthly thereafter. She has them all saved, and then will keep them with his baby book/scrapbooks as he gets older. It sounds cheesy, but not I wish that I had done that.

  • don't call me ma'am

    July 24, 2006 at 9:46 pm

    oops, NOW I wish…

  • Nila

    July 24, 2006 at 10:38 pm

    Yay on the efacing and stuff. I had summer pregnancies, which were both late, so I ended up doing a lot of walking at malls. I hate malls, but that was the only tolerable choice for a walk in the summer. One day we hit every mall in the area, and still no labor.

    Have fun washing and folding all that cute clothes. That was probably my favorite chore.

  • Lin

    July 25, 2006 at 12:17 pm

    Morons are everywhere, just more apparent in certain spots. I just can’t go to Walmart because the chance of running into some complete dolt is greater than at Costco. Target…well, chances are about 50-50 there.

    Now onto the important topic…the weather. As the week progresses, it will get cooler and cooler; so let that baby cook until the weather is more cooperative. Good luck with it all, kid. You’ll do fabulously, I’m sure.

  • Rachel

    July 25, 2006 at 1:23 pm

    Go Whoorlito, GO!

    I found out yesterday that our 38-week Speckinator is still heads-up and has one foot down and will therefore be arriving Monday morning via C-section. As disappointed as I am, I’m also relieved because I’m FAT, and HOT, and TIRED, and EAGER to meet this thing that’s been beating me up for the last few months.

    Good luck with your adventure! We’ll be looking out for an update any day now, eh?

  • undercover celebrity

    July 25, 2006 at 11:21 am

    Ah, your organization makes me want to have a baby just so I can have new things to organize. And I LOVE that D goes shopping with you — what a sweetheart.

  • cocodrie

    July 25, 2006 at 8:20 pm

    Let me get out the tiniest violin in the whole world to play you a tune….Seriously, you and your fantastic husband, your paid-to-hang-and-anticipate-your-bundle-of-joy time, with no dull check list items left. Enjoy it, dammit. Also, way to alert all of us that you have nothing but time to entertain us here on Whoorl. Yessssss!

  • rebecca

    July 26, 2006 at 4:17 pm

    OK, I know that post was written only two days ago but I find myself wondering if your silence since then is because Whoorlito is making his entrance!?!?! I can’t wait to hear all about it.

    And I do have to say, as a frequenter of multiple Southern California Target stores, I could be your shopper nemesis. KIDDING. I don’t believe in crappy purses.

  • rebecca

    July 26, 2006 at 4:20 pm

    Oh, also? I thought of another completely unnecessary but satisfying activity for you. Packing your cute new diaper bag with baby gear for your first outing with Whoorlito!! Or have you done that already, you organized beeyotch you. :)

  • Miss Peach

    July 28, 2006 at 8:07 am

    See, now I would have (upon seeing the cart still sitting there the second time), immediately jumped to the conclusion that there was a terrorist targeting that particular store, and in the purse was a bomb. And now as I’m rereading that, I’m thinking I might need therapy. Hm.