Last night I dreamt I was shopping at Neiman Marcus in the jewelry section and found this gorgeous turquoise necklace that weighed 50 pounds…I couldn’t stand upright because it was so heavy. I asked if I could get a sales associate’s help and Kim
(the lesbian model from America’s Next Top Model) appeared and was very helpful. A true delight, I must say.
She helped me pick out the perfect outfit (a ridiculously tight ivory silk corset thing) to complement my new necklace, and even carried my purchases out to my car where my husband Lenny Kravitz was waiting for me with bated breath.
Ahhhhh, what a weekend. I highly recommend getting married within one day of your birthday- it makes for a fabulous 2 days of self-indulgence. I love combined birthday/anniversaries. Birthversaries! Annidays! Whatever. Presents! Cards! Phone Calls! Money from the Grandparents! Expensive Dinners! And I must say, a whirlwind of ego stroking. Did I mention I love Birthversaries? I want to tell you all about it, but my need to bitch takes precedence today.
All glorious things must come to an end. With great sadness, I come to you today the star of the newly created It’s-Not-About-Whoorl extravaganza. And what better way to thrust me back into reality (aka the 363 remaining days of the year that suck donkey balls) than a 7:45 Monday morning flight across the entire damn country for a 3 hour and 30 minute work meeting. OH, SUCH FUN!! Tell me, does this make good business sense to you?
Monday, November 7th:
6:30am PT- Leave for airport.
7:45 am PT- Takeoff on 4-hour flight.
3:00pm ET- Land in Atlanta, Georgia.
3:30pm ET- Leave airport and head to resort*.
5:15pm ET- Arrive at resort* (80 miles from airport).
5:30pm ET- Check into the nastiest room in resort* history. Take 28 photos as proof to husband that the resort* makes Motel 6 look like the Ritz-Carlton. Kill some sort of roach-slug hybrid in my room.
6:00pm ET- Call my father to express disdain with the resort*. He advises me to sleep with a shower cap on to keep the bedbugs from burrowing into my scalp overnight. Excellent.
6:30pm ET – Dinner with 30 people I don’t know. Wonder why in the hell I am forced to attend this meeting.
7:00pm ET – Stare glassy-eyed at strangers over dinner, making sure to laugh at appropriate times while daydreaming of the All-About-Whoorl extravaganza. Why is it over, Lord? WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
8:00pm ET- Back to room. Smells like a musty lake cabin. Another bug is on the ceiling. There is no way I am sleeping with a slimy bug on the ceiling. Spend next 45 minutes throwing the resort* room service binder at the vaulted ceiling in attempt to kill scary bug (which, mind you, rates a 10 in difficulty considering it’s an angled, popcorn ceiling).
9:00pm ET- Realize I better get some shut-eye for the 8am meeting. Wrap towel around pillow because, seriously, have you seen what dust mites look like magnified?
9:30pm ET – Can’t sleep considering it is 6:30pm according to my body. Fucking fabulous.
10:00pm – 12:00am ET – Count trillions of sheep.
*sooo NOT a resort
Tuesday, November 8th:
1:00am ET – Fall asleep. Crazy nightmares involving robbers.
6:30am ET – Huh? What is that noise? Huh? Why is music playing in the middle of the night- is there a nightclub on the premises? (crying) It has to be 3 in the morning! Why is the nightclub still open? (sobbing) I’m so tired.
6:34am ET – Realize the music is the alarm.
8:00am ET – Attend meeting. Feign interest. Scribble furiously. Play hangman, tic-tac-toe and MASH with myself (Mansion with Clive Owen, silver Range Rover, 2 children).
11:30am ET – Leave meeting.
11:45am ET – Drive 80 miles to airport.
1:15pm ET – Arrive at Airport.
2:06pm ET – Takeoff to Cincinnati.
4:35pm ET – Takeoff from Cincinnati. Homeward-bound. This was hands-down the longest 4 1/2 hour flight of my life- I’m pretty sure I had blood clots forming in my legs around the third hour. The pilot changed altitude 5 times looking for smooth air. Finally, they informed us there was NO smooth air to be found anywhere in the continental United States. Awesome. “Would you like something to drink?”, “No, but I’d love some choppy turbulence with a side of DVT, please.” Oh, and the cherry on top was the movie, The Island. What a fucking INANE movie. Horrible.
6:30pm PT – Land at airport.
7:30pm PT – Home Sweet Home.
Hey, employers! I am so thrilled to introduce you to a new state-of-the-art communcation platform that will keep travel costs low and most importantly, your employees’ sanity intact!
It’s called a teleconference.