3

Bonding with Little Sis – Montana Style

Me: This view is amazing. I think this is the prettiest sunset I have ever seen.

LS: It is so beautiful! Look at the mountains.

Me: Is that a deer or a donkey? You know, the grizzlies can’t be very far away.

LS: Yep.

Me: That’s frightening.

LS: If a grizzly jumped from behind that tree, would you haul ass?

Me: Yeah, I’d haul ass. I’d probably die anyway.

LS: Well, if it charged you, I would throw my vodka soda in its eyes to temporarily blind it.

Me: You would waste your vodka soda on me?

LS: Yep.

Now, that’s love.

2

Big Sky Country

I’m off to beautiful Montana for an entire week!

Interesting facts about Montana:

– The average square mile of land contains 1.4 elk, 1.4 pronghorn antelope, and 3.3 deer.
– The density of the state is six people per square mile.
– The State animal is the grizzly bear (Ursus arctos horribilis).
– The State tree is the Ponderosa pine (Pinus ponderosa).
– Montana holds the world record for the greatest temperature change in 24 hours. 103 degrees!
– It is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all. Additionally, it is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.
– Sprint PCS Coverage in Montana can be found here.

What this means to me:

– If my calculations are correct, there are 6.1 ample-sized animals with freakish antlers to every 6 little human beings per square mile. I have no idea how many grizzlies are chillin’ per square mile, but considering they are the state animal, I’m guessing a lot. “Montana: Big Sky Country”. Not so much. How about “Montana: Just Like a Carnivorous Zoo, But Without Cages.”

– Better stock up on Claritin. I’m allergic to pine- I can’t even have a real Christmas tree! By the way, I am also allergic to cattle if anyone was wondering. While testing for allergies as a child, the physician checked me for cattle allergies. CATTLE, PEOPLE. Not the kind of allergies related to eating cattle beef, either. Nope, more like the rubbing-up-against-a-cow variety. You have got to love growing up in Oklahoma.
– What the hell is going on with the temperature fluctuation? Packing will be complicated, resulting in an achy back from hunching over and staring into my suitcase for at least 4 hours today.
– I have to make sure my grandmother hasn’t been locked up.
– The kicker. No cell phone coverage. Not really a big deal because I’m not fond of talking on the phone anyway. As for internet access, rumor has it, and I’m cringing as I write this, dial-up. Dial-up. Misery. Oh, I know, I know, I should enjoy this time away to refresh, rejuvenate and marvel at God’s country. Don’t worry, be happy! Well, the internet makes me happy. So there.

In all honesty, I am so excited about this trip. I get to spend a full week with my family that I MISS SO MUCH! Plus, I did a little research and I located 1 (one) internet cafe in the town I am visiting. Hell yes.

11

Proceed with Caution – PMS Ranting Ahead

Things that are bugging the shit out of me today:

1) The little pre-period pimples wreaking havoc on my chin.
2) The fact that my menstrually-bloated ass ripped the lining in my favorite suit pants while bending over this morning.
3) That I am going to a new kick-boxing class tonight where my face will end up looking like this due to my rosacea and heat intolerance. NO PEOPLE, I AM NOT DYING. IN FACT, MY HEART RATE HASN’T EVEN INCREASED. THIS CLASS ISN’T EVEN HARD! I HAVE ROSACEA AND MY FACE GETS RED. NO NEED TO STOP THE CLASS TO MAKE SURE I’M ALRIGHT. Seriously, I am going to make a t-shirt that reads, “Hi, I might look like I am dying, but I am really enjoying this class”, with www.rosacea.org on the back.
4) My job is the most uninspiring loser job on the planet.
5) My husband looking over my shoulder telling me how to improve my pop-up image, and then when I ask him another question, he scoffs at me like he doesn’t have the time. I DIDN’T ASK YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUCKO.
6) My hair looks like ass.

Ok, I think I’m feeling a little better. Anything bugging you today?