My mother and I took Wito on a couple of errands this morning. First up, Target, which launched my first completely insignificant tirade of the day. What is the point of having shopping cart return corrals (“corrals” doesn’t seem right, but very Oklahoman, yes?) if there aren’t any carts left outside in the corrals for people? As a mother of a squirmy toddler, I appreciate parking close to a cart station so I can plop him into the cart immediately, opposed to dragging his uncooperative ass from the parking lot into the store.

Sure, I understand that larger stores might occasionally employ a Type-A Do-Gooder that is ALL ABOUT perfecting his Shopping Cart Retrieval practices, but COME ON. However, as I was going on and on about my First World Problem of the Day, a live cow flew past my face at about 35 miles per hour. Moral of the story – Oklahoma is not only hot, but windier than a Derecho for at least 290 days out of the year. Targets of Oklahoma, I apologize. I understand why you don’t leave carts outside. Because they could violently impale innocent bystanders while rocketing through the parking lot.

After checking all of our errands off the list, we made a quick visit to my father’s company. I don’t usually make a point to stop by his office, and now the reason is abundantly clear.

OH MY GOD. Did any of you have the distinct pleasure of giving these photo cutout stands to a loved one in the late eighties? Oooh! Three dimensional! Like, all Back to the Future and stuff! Apparently, this was a Christmas gift to my father (hint: MY RED AND GREEN CHRISTMAS SOCKS) and hoo boy, what a gift from the heart. Where do I even begin? Look at me.

1. The bangs. I adore my make-the-top-layer-sideswept-while-the-bottom-layer-curls-perfectly-under bangs. Kind of like a rogue wave crashing into a family of small squid.

2. The sweater. Obviously a man’s XXL – cheesy mock turtleneck and huge, slouchy front pocket included. Good day, sir! I might be going through puberty, but you will never know!

3. The pants. Holy shit, THE PANTS. The pleats. The pinch-rolled bottoms. MY EYES, MY EYES!

4. However, good thing I pinch-rolled my pants so everyone could enjoy my holiday-themed socks. Feliz Navidad.

5. Top-Siders, dude. Nothing more needs to be said about that.

6. The casual lean on my sister. Hey sis! You can lean on me. You know, WHEN YOU’RE NOT STROOOONG, I’LL BE YOUR FRIEND, I’LL HELP YOU CARRY ON.

Speaking of my sister, Lala experienced a bit of a hellaciously awkward phase growing up. Of course, I can say this due to the fact that she is now BLINDINGLY GORGEOUS, but really. What exactly is going on with that ensemble? Does her striped sweatshirt depict the four seasons? Are her pants actually tucked INTO those pink graffiti high tops? And what about that stance? People, only a stance like that could imply, “Bitches, my sassy glasses devour my face and I LIKE IT.”

Oh! But it gets so much better!

Hi! I’m going to high school in the fall, but think it’s important to be photographed with my precious white teddy. I love my teddy. Here, watch me squeeze my teddy! Um, do my bangs look okay?

Hahaha! Look at me! I’m doing a handstand! But my hair stays intact! HOW DO I DO IT? Photo Cutout Stands are MAGICAL. It’s like I’m living in 2009 or something!

Ahhh, good times. I think I need a cocktail.