Groceries and Egg Nog


Pennsylvania Dutch
you make me want to strip nude
and run through the hills

So sweet, warming my
jaded innards, I can’t stop
drinking your goodness

Grocery shopping
with my father is quite a
hysterical time

Pushing the cart while
hearing “HOLY CHRIST! Look at
the price of coffee!”

He also enjoys
making friends with every
deli employee

Have I told you ’bout
my dad’s immense candy drawer?
More sugar than sweet

Blow pops, Sour Patch Kids
Snickers, Kit Kats, Special Dark
My ass will expand

Early Christmas gift
Guitar from dad’s collection
My heart’s a tingle

Greensleeves, did you know
it’s about a prostitute?
Talk about ho HO


Hair Color Disasters


Emily is 32 and lives in Boston with her funny boyfriend. She is a beauty school dropout who cannot stop cutting her own hair. She can be found obsessing about cheese and her cat at Pretty Crabby or talking about products endlessly at Tallulah Blue. She has not seen her real hair color since 1990.

Last week I was trying to decide what color I should dye my hair.

I have been brown for awhile (since I did what my friend Angela calls the Autumnal Dying of the Hair back in the fall) and it is okay but I have trouble keeping it the color I want for any length of time. I have tried using fillers and deep conditioning (like I suggested some other folks should try in my last post) but nothing seems to STICK for me for very long. The blond I have been doing for years and years always peeks through. My friend Suzanne calls this “trying to hold back the sunshine!”

All week I was thinking brown or blond, brown or blond? And I finally decided, okay I will go for something somewhere in the middle. This was my first mistake. I should know by now that no MIDDLE colors ever come out right. I think you have to go for something dark or something light. Don’t try to be wishy washy and be “somewhere in the middle”. It never works out.

I ended up choosing a color called something like “dark natural blond”. There is my second mistake. How can it be DARK and NATURAL BLOND?! I have never had blond hair which was either dark OR particularly natural. So my other tip for you is stay away from color names which don’t make any damn sense.

Dark Natural Blond on my head ended up looking something like Icky Weird Brown. It’s kind of reddish, kind of goth, way too dark. Not blond. Not natural. Ugh. One thing I did when I took the towel off my head (after I screamed that is) was to immediately wash my hair twice with dish soap. This is as unpleasant as it sounds but when your hair color comes out too dark it does help get rid of some of the extra dye right away. I think it saved me from looking too much like Evan Rachel Woods. At least I hope so.

Have you had hair color disasters? How have you made it through? You know, aside from booze and therapy.


Just In the Nick of Time


at night, just getting unpacked
so very tired

The flights were on time
No drama, no ear issues
just how I like it

My eyes feel like they
are being held open with
tiny toothpicks, yo

Time to hit the sack
Sweet dreams everyone, until
tomorrow, my friends




Over fifty flights
flown by master Wito, he
is a seasoned traveler

He has fluid in
his ear, please GOD don’t rupture
while on the airplane

Questions about flights
with infants/toddlers? I am
your info touchstone

No idea how
but my 6-7 Fantasy
team made the finals

For the second year
in a row, D and I are
playing each other

Makes for a special
time around our household, we
love profanities

He is reigning champ
but this year is going to
be mine, I feel it

I think I’ve found my
favorite scent, but I’m not
ready to divulge

I hate packing bags,
thinking about packing bags
but I love the lists

In my OCD
fashion, I am drowning in
packing/planning lists

Martha Speaks? Maybe
Martha should shut the eff up
Talking dog, my ass

Well, these bags are not
packing themselves, must start the
annoying process

Come back tomorrow
for Plane Adventure haikus
Should be a fab time