We’ve made a last-minute decision to spend our Memorial Day weekend in Palm Springs, which means one glorious thing. POOL TIME. I can’t fully express the excitement I am feeling about spending the next three days lying by a pool, but it’s safe to say I’ve broken out the African Anteater Ritual a couple of times this morning.

Pools are hard to come by in a beach community, mainly due to the fact that there is this large mass of water called an “ocean” within walking distance. The ocean. Yes, it’s beautiful and serene and what not, but it’s also a pain in the ass. Just the beach packing ritual alone is enough to make me talk in tongues, not to mention the damp sand that Wito enjoys eating by the fistful. I have sand issues. I admit it.

But, pools! POOLS! Backyard pools beckon you with promises of instant access to a bathroom! A nearby refrigerator filled with snacks! No sand! A towel and sunblock is all you need, my friends.

In a nutshell, the pool is spontaneous and easy to enjoy. The beach causes certain people to lose their shit in an alley.

This morning, I made a quick (ha!) trip (ha!) to Target (ha!) to purchase some sort of flotation device for Wito. Now, in a typical Whoorl Planning Situation, I would have conducted the proper research in a timely fashion, but as you see, we are leaving in less than 24 hours and Target was my best option.

After spending 45 minutes in Aisle 26, I came to an enlightening conclusion. Parents only have two options when it comes to toddler pool safety.

1. Toddler experiences hours of pool fun, but is forced to wear a contraption that looks like Dora the Explorer puked all over it.

OR

2. Toddler is quarantined in an oversized Pack-n-Play thirty yards from the pool because the parents refuse to dress him in a Cookie Monster Wears Hawaiian Shirts And Eats Coconuts life jacket.

What happened to the plain yellow floaties we wore as kids? Oh yeah, that’s right, they now cause cancer, early stimulation of estrogen receptors, a huge lisp, etc.

Oh, and the whole Swim Level thing? I spent upwards of 20 minutes reading the backs of multi-colored packages about all of the Very Important Swim Stages. Is Wito a 1? 2? A? C439?

Listen, I just want my child to maintain a proper level of oxygen in his lungs for the next three days, but of course, I caved and bought a couple of options. I couldn’t help it, I was having trouble reading the fine print due to my acute blindness from the heinous patterns everywhere.

FYI – I am leaning towards the Swim Sweater. (3 Million Sold! 3 Milliones vendidas! 3 Millions vendus! More like, HOW COULD YOU GO WRONG, IDIOT PARENT?)