Incoherent Rambling and a Dunkin Donut

About a month ago, I made a promise to some Very Important People that I would not come back from Blogher and write about all of the AMAZING and TALENTED women I met during the process like everyone else.

(Although, I did! They were really, really fantastic!) (And that doesn’t count because of the parentheses.)

Since I’m a lady of my word, you will have witness the AMAZING and TALENTED women over at my Flickr set.

My only regret was the lack of time spent with some of the lovelies. I’m looking at you Leah squared, Yvonne, Kris, Stacy, SJ, etc.- 5 minutes here and there was NOT enough.

Oh, and when I swallowed my tongue after the utterly radiant Holly complimented my gold shoes.

Instead, please direct your attention to my late-night rambling in the fabulous company of Heather (aka- The Girl Who Orders Vegetable Wraps From Dunkin Donuts) and Shana Banana. Bonus points for anyone who can decipher what I’m saying during the middle. Also, my bloodshot eyes and open-mouth chewing? Sweet Ass Jebus.

UPDATE: It seems as a retaliatory measure, Heather has posted a video of yours truly engaging in some shady dance moves. I am offering my public apology right now.

A List Before I Go

1. I have been a little under the weather for the past couple of days, but I can confidently say that the 22 Jamba Juice Coldbusters have done their job.

2. However, I woke up sounding like Kathleen Turner this morning.

3. Which is kind of cool because my fellow Blogher attendees might think I have a deep, sultry voice.

4. So, I am purposely shouting around the house. You know, to keep the pipes rusty. “WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY, WITO? YOU WANT A BA-BA? A BAAAAA-BAAAAAA?” *uncontrollable hacking* “OHHHHHHHHHH-KLAHOMA, WHERE THE WIND COMES SWEEPING DOWN THE PLAAAINNNNNNN!”

5. I am super excited about meeting all of the cool chicas.

6. However, I am scared that everyone will think I’m a self-mutilator or in a highly-charged domestic abuse situation due to all of the cuts and bruises on my legs and arms.

7. I am trying to remind myself that I will be around these people for several days, so they can witness my clumsiness firsthand. I have issues with running into tables, slamming my fingers in doors, tripping over air, etc. Hence the 49 bruises.

8. I have packed 5 pairs of shoes, and I’ve heard talk of that number being excessive. I think I’ve exercised great restraint.

9. I will miss my boys terribly.

10. But don’t hold it against me if I forget their names for a brief second. Alcohol + Jitters = Early-Onset Alzheimer’s Disease.

Everything You Need To Know, Right Here

I’m Sarah, a veritable prodigy in the fields of list-making and lip gloss color recognition. I currently live by the beach with my picky interior designer husband and freakishly large baby.

I am addicted to instruction manuals, green olives (preferably in my vodka), Fantasy Football, online shopping and the color of grass.

My own personal hell would involve talking on the phone while surrounded by cats with The Carpenters playing in the background.

This is a blogme2007 introduction. More information here.

Not Worth Noting, But Humor Me

1. This morning I ran 1.56 miles without stopping to walk. I have never in my life run 1.56 miles without stopping. I need to share this with you because, well, who else am I going to share it with, my mom? Here’s a little preview of that conversation.

Whoorl: Mom! I’m halfway to my goal of running 3 miles! I ran a mile and a half this morning with the jogging stroller!

Mom: That’s good! (click, click, click, click)

Whoorl: My new shoes are really helping out. My ankle feels much better.

Mom: Uh-huh. (click, click, click, click)

Whoorl: Although, yesterday it was giving me trouble…

Mom: Uh-huh. (click, click, click)

Whoorl: Um, I broke my back yesterday.

Mom: Uh-huh. (click, click, clickety click click)

Whoorl: And sold Wito into slavery.

Mom: Uh-huh. (click, click, click, click)

Whoorl: GODDAMN IT MOM, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?! ARE YOU PLAYING ONLINE CANASTA AGAIN?!

Mom: Uh-huh. (click, click, click, click)

2. I’m pretty sure when you put glasses in the dishwasher, they are not supposed to come out looking like this:

How about a side-by-side comparison?

Something’s wrong with my dishwasher, yes?

3. I apologize to all the Anya lovers out there, but I couldn’t be more thrilled about her departure from last night’s So You Think You Can Dance episode. It’s just that, I don’t know, the outfits and the ballroom thing and dear Lord, the OUTFITS. The leopard-print and electric blue fringe and booby tassels!

Plus, when she “dances for her life”, I feel like she is just shaking her ass and moving across the stage with teensy-weensy staccato steps. I am aware she is at a disadvantage by not having a partner to dance with in her dance-offs, and I KNOW that I am completely clueless about ballroom and need to SHUT UP, but man! With everyone else performing giant leaps and pirouettes across the stage, it’s hard to be impressed by ballroom during the solos.

To make my point with D last night, I threw on some heels with my running shorts and performed my own Anya-type “Big Wheels Keep On Turning, Proud Mary Keeps On Burning” dance. I paused and re-played her performance and everything. I thought I did a fine job, but D didn’t seem to be very impressed. He just looked up at me and said, “You’re going to hurt yourself.”

Point well taken.

Why, Jell-O Pudding Pops? Why?

As I sat down yesterday afternoon, ready to crank out a post, I made the mistake of finding this piece from yesterday’s New York Times. Bye bye, Monday afternoon. Those comments sucked me in and didn’t let me go until late in the evening – evident from my healthy dinner of smokehouse almonds and a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.

It’s just that, Oh My God, where did all of my favorites go? Jell-O Pudding Pops – no longer. (What up, Mr. Cosby?!) The original Carnation Instant Breakfast Bars. The Motorola StarTac phone. Those little triangular side-vent windows in cars, allowing the perfect amount of breeze to circulate without messing up the hair! Gone! Like the Wind!

If you take the time to read through the thousands of comments, you’ll notice that the Honda CRX is greatly missed. I had no idea it was such a reliable, yet zippy, little car. I do know my high school Honda Prelude (with the cute flip-up headlights) was one of my favorites. Ahh, the good old days.

However, things took a turn for the worse. My sweet nostalgia turned into festering anger. What do you mean no more Tato Skins?! I LOVED those chips! Taco Bell-flavored Doritos? And Alphabits cereal?! HOW AM I GOING TO TEACH WITO THE ALPHABET?!

*googling Alphabits cereal*

Oh, I see. The commenters must have been mistaken. Feeling better.

Then, I saw another comment that shook me to the very core. Planters Cheez Balls. Oh, that can’t be…could it? No more Planters Cheez Balls?! In the round tin? No other puffed cheese product compares!

*googling Planters Cheez Balls*

It’s true. It’s true. You can’t even find them on eBay. (Not that I tried. Um, or anything.)

OHMYGODICAN’TLIVEWITHOUTTHECHEEZBALLGOODNESSICAN’TBREATHENOREALLYPANICKY PANICKYHELPSOSHELPSOS.

It’s a very sad day in the Whoorl household. Now, if we could have a moment of silence for my beloved Planters Cheez Balls.

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