Happy Friday

Screen Door from whoorl on Vimeo.

Shitty Shit

Does anyone have 1.8 million to spend on a cute little bungalow by the beach? (What? Too much? But the owner re-introduced it to the market for $80,000 less! C’MON! WIMPS!)

Great! Could you buy it and continue to rent it to a very nice couple with a very big baby?

Thanks a million.

Another Profound Weekend

This might become a regular series – our weekend conversations are deteriorating by the minute.

I’ve recently started running again and my right ankle and hip have been giving me trouble. As I was lying on the floor, trying to remember the exercises my former physical therapist taught me, I mentioned how cool it would be if D was a physical therapist. Free therapy and adjustments for life!

He looked up from his magazine and without missing a beat, said, “It would be even cooler if you were a hooker for free.”

The Best and Worst Day of My Life

When I stopped working in January, we decided to keep our nanny, Amy, for one half-day a week. Wito loved her, we loved her, and I especially loved the thought of having four hours to myself every Thursday. Pedicures! Shopping! The Beach!

Well, it turns out that Amy Day usually consists of me visiting the Holy Trinity of Motherhood – Target, Costco and the grocery store. Fun. And y’all, I have a confession to make. I hate Target. To me, it’s just an huge room full of crap. I know! How could I think such a thing?! People LOVE Target! The knick knacks! And fake leather stuff! Cheaply-made frames! Cheesy greeting cards! I’m sorry. HATE.

Luckily, I park right next to the door where the toiletries and kitchen supply stuff are located and it’s a race against the clock from start to finish. Lotion, toothpaste, Q-tips, Ziploc bags, Daisy razors, shaving cream. Check, check and check. If there were a Supermarket Sweep – Target Toiletries Edition, I would be world champion.

Costco gives me mild-to-moderate claustrophobia. The crowds, the gigantic carts, 67-pound jars of jelly beans that I want to dive into, etc. Luckily, I only buy Wito’s formula and baby food and I’m gone.

Technically, these errands shouldn’t take too long, but considering we live in a beach community, I am forced to get on the 405 highway (the collective groan from my Southern California readers is deafening), and drive to 2 separate cities to visit these frightening places. It’s like driving to the DMV every Thursday – the journey is usually just as shitty as the destination.

A couple of days ago, I was traveling down a major street relatively close to my home (405 – not involved, yo), when I noticed tons of construction at an upcoming intersection. I craned my neck to get a look while passing by and saw the words COSTCO – NOW OPEN. Could it be?! A Costco within 15 minutes of my home?

I immediately called D, who was attending a swanky lunch with clients in Los Angeles.

“Honey! Guess what! There’s a new COSTCO! So much closer to us! I don’t have to deal with the shitty 405! YAY! YAY! YAY!”

“Wow. Good for you, hon. I’ve gotta go now. With clients, you know.”

“I know. I’m so sorry to bug, it’s just really exciting! Bye!”

Wito and I had an hour to kill, so we maneuvered a U-turn, and made our way back to the new COSTCO, NOW OPEN! And it was a beauty. No people, no lines, the newness of it all. I knew it wouldn’t last, so we took a collective inhale, browsed the 96-packs of granola bars, and enjoyed the leisurely pace.

As we left with our cardboard box of goodies, I noticed another new building in the same lot at the other end of the new construction. I backed up the cart, squinted my eyes and there it was in big red letters. SUPER TARGET. Is this a dream?! A Target! Next to the Costco! With no highways involved?

And guess what. It didn’t end there. A new Whole Foods was on the other side.

The Holy Trinity of Motherhood was complete. And I was Moses.

I called D again.

(breathless from the mental frenzy) “D! D! OH MY GOD! A WHOLE FOODS, TARGET AND COSTCO ALL HERE! I AM COMPLETE! I AM FUCKING COMPLEEEEEEEEETE!”

(silence)

“HELLO?”

“Um. Are you listening to yourself? What has happened to you, love? ”

“HUH?”

“Let me get this straight. You are about to pass out from sheer elation because you found a new suburban strip mall complete with stores you hate?”

“YES!”

Sweet Jebus, people. I need help.

UPDATE: In my mentally-frenzied state, I made a mistake. It is a new Target, not Super Target. My bad.

The Birthday Menu

Iceberg wedge with homemade blue cheese dressing

Oven-roasted chicken

Chili Roasted Potatoes (alá Rachael Ray)

Sprinkles cupcakes (strawberry for me, milk chocolate for D)

And for starters…Grey Goose Pear Vodka! (It was on sale at the grocery store!) (Hell yes!)

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