2007 April | whoorl

I truly believe the majority of Orange County residents are passive aggressive. It’s just the law of the land around here. Unfortunately, my four-year tenure must have seeped into my psyche because I catch myself pulling the same shit all of the time. For instance, I really need to stop saying “You know, I find it so funny when you {insert a completely annoying action}” to my husband. Obviously, I don’t find it funny. Irritating as hell? Maybe.

Case in point – I’m in complete awe as to how my husband manages to dirty an ENTIRE kitchen counter when buttering toast. It’s like a mini-tornado of toast crumbs has descended upon the kitchen. People, how is this possible?

I’ve come to the only plausible conclusion that he must scrape three-fourths of the toasty bread onto his butter knife and proceed to blow in a staccato-like movement, much like a sprinkler system, all over the countertop. Thus leading me to make the invariable comment, “It’s so funny how you manage to make such a mess with whole wheat and butter” (insert fake squirrelly laughter). He rebuts with an explanation of the countertop’s function, including but not limited to, providing a place for food preparation. Fine. Shitbag.

Honestly, I can’t complain too much, being crowned the Queen of Leaving Shoes All Over The House. And I don’t just leave a pair of shoes lying around here or there, I actually manage to walk from one end of the room to the other, kicking off the shoes and leaving them to completely obstruct the walkway for others. It’s a talent, really. In fact, right now, I have 6 pairs of shoes lying haphazardly around this house. I try to explain to others that you just never know when you might need a pair of shoes right that very instant (house fire! earthquake! US Weekly just arrived in the mailbox!). I’m just taking my planning abilities to the next level. And therein lies the difference, my friends.

I’m rather fond of this idea. Hilly over at Snackie’s World asked me these particular 5 questions. If you want to play (because, really, what else are you doing? NOT reading my blog on the weekend?), read the instructions at the bottom and I’ll interview you.

1. Hey baby, what’s your sign? More importantly, do you believe in Astrology? Why or why not?

I’m a textbook Scorpio. Trust me. I found this on an astrology site for my specific birthdate, and it pretty much sums up everything:

You are a dynamic, passionate person who has a lot to give, but who also expects the same level of commitment in return. You are determined to follow through on your own commitments and responsibilities, and you generally do what it takes to achieve your goals. Your charisma sets you apart from others, and you find that others quite easily respect you. Willing to help out, but never a pushover, you know your limits and you don’t have much trouble communicating them. You are somewhat of a perfectionist, and your tendency to try to control things is most apparent in your career and on the home front (OH REALLY?). You are an executive, but you also know the value of teamwork and charm, so you don’t come on too strong. Your distaste for the superficial is marked.

The flip side of the Scorpio:

They are too demanding, too unforgiving of faults in others, perhaps because they are not aware of the shortcomings within themselves, and extravagantly express their self-disgust in unreasonable resentment against their fellows. They do, however, make excellent friends, provided that their companions do nothing to impugn the honor of which Scorpians are very jealous. Part of the negative side of the Scorpian nature is a tendency to discard friends once they cease to be useful, but the decent native is aware of and fights this tendency.They are fortunate in that their strong reasoning powers are tempered with imagination and intuition, and these gifts, together with critical perception and analytical capacity, can enable Scorpians to penetrate to profundities beyond the average.

Who wants to be my next friend?

Hello? Anyone out there?

I believe in Astrology, at least when it comes to me because that shit is right on the money. Except the negative stuff! I’m a veritable rainbow of goodness! I love you!

2. If you were offered a million dollars to never wear lip gloss again, would you take it?

This is a tough one, and frankly, I need specifics. We all know how much I live for lip gloss, but I would absolutely give it up for a million clams.

It’s not so cut-and-dry, though. Would I still be able to wear lip balm? Because if I had to cut lip balm out, then ABSOLUTELY NO, I could not take the million dollars. How could I even enjoy my new cash with dry crackety-split lips? The licking, people. Constant licking of the lips. The thought sends shivers down my spine.

3. Which blogger would you like to trade lives with for just one day and why?

Rebecca Woolf of Girl’s Gone Child and Straight From The Bottle fame. First of all, she writes for Babble. Pretty much my dream (well, until they started hiring non-urban non-hipsters).

Her writing slays me. On the uppermost surface, she’s a super hip mother living in LA, but within the blink of an eye, she’s writing something so pure and raw and wise, you can’t even fathom her young age. Have you read this or this? Seriously.

In a nutshell, if I had a Whoorlie category entitled “I’ll Totally Single White Female Your Ass”, Rebecca would be the winner by a landslide.

4. Do you want to have more children or have you not thought that far ahead yet?

Absolutely, but not just yet. Since I can remember, I’ve always envisioned myself as a mother of boys. It seems like so many women dream of little girls, but I mentally can’t get there at this point in my life. Of course, it’s all a learning curve, and if I were to find out I was pregnant with twin girls, I would be just as thrilled. Thrilled, but scared shitless.

Not to insinuate that I’m pregnant. That would be negative. Hallelujah.

5. And finally, the most important question of the set….Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?

Neither, my GOD. It’s like congealed semen with a faint scent of toe dough.

What a wonderful and appetizing way to end this interview! Here’s the deal, if you would like to join in on the eau de chain-letter bonanza, follow these directions:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” Or you could say something about my charming wit, beautiful hair, etc.
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Did I mention it’s 70 degrees outside and the beach is calling my name? Why am I typing this?