1. Do not have a publicly accessible Myspace account.
2. Do not include myriads of photos of yourself drinking, smoking and licking your friends’ faces.
3. Do not make up stories about families you’ve nannied for in your past 15 years of experience.
4. Do not decline a 9:00am breakfast meeting because you have “an early breakfast outing with family”, only to show up at the 10:30am meeting time with wet hair pulled back into a bun. It might be a tad obvious that you just came from the shower. And honey, I can smell hangover from a mile away. Trust me, I am The Hangover Expert.
5. Do not make your friends pretend they are your work references. Do not tell me your married-with-kids reference is in Europe, when in actuality she’s single, has her own Myspace account, and apparently from her comment on your Myspace account, was partying with you in California last night.
6. Do not replicate unique grammatical errors in both your emails and your falsely-created reference emails.
7. Do not assume that mothers aren’t smart or technically savvy.
8. Do not fool yourself into thinking that mothers aren’t extremely intuitive when it comes to protecting their children.
9. Do NOT wonder why you weren’t hired.
I have found an absolutely wonderful, WONDERFUL nanny for Whoorlito who obviously has not committed any of these jackass maneuvers and additionally has passed my 1,225-point inspection. Cheers!