Tips For Prospective Nannies


1. Do not have a publicly accessible Myspace account.

2. Do not include myriads of photos of yourself drinking, smoking and licking your friends’ faces.

3. Do not make up stories about families you’ve nannied for in your past 15 years of experience.

4. Do not decline a 9:00am breakfast meeting because you have “an early breakfast outing with family”, only to show up at the 10:30am meeting time with wet hair pulled back into a bun. It might be a tad obvious that you just came from the shower. And honey, I can smell hangover from a mile away. Trust me, I am The Hangover Expert.

5. Do not make your friends pretend they are your work references. Do not tell me your married-with-kids reference is in Europe, when in actuality she’s single, has her own Myspace account, and apparently from her comment on your Myspace account, was partying with you in California last night.

6. Do not replicate unique grammatical errors in both your emails and your falsely-created reference emails.

7. Do not assume that mothers aren’t smart or technically savvy.

8. Do not fool yourself into thinking that mothers aren’t extremely intuitive when it comes to protecting their children.

9. Do NOT wonder why you weren’t hired.

I have found an absolutely wonderful, WONDERFUL nanny for Whoorlito who obviously has not committed any of these jackass maneuvers and additionally has passed my 1,225-point inspection. Cheers!


Move Over, Magnum PI


Hi, I’m a little busy right now. Why, you ask? Because I still haven’t hired a nanny and I start work in less than 72 hours.

Oh, but I love the pressure. The sweet, sweet pressure.

I even added a new candidate into the mix this morning because nothing sounds more fun than interviewing nannies over Thanksgiving weekend.

Don’t worry; I’ll end up with a great one. I’m just a tad bit cautious (i.e. paranoia self-destroya) and have convinced myself that the one “perfect on paper” candidate is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Why? Well, one of her “references” just happened to be “vacationing” in “Europe” so we had to converse over email.

Now, who’s to say this candidate didn’t create an email account and I was actually emailing her? HUH? HUH? And let me just add- there are some strangely similar and unique grammatical errors in both the candidate’s emails and the “reference’s” emails.

Please excuse me; I have some drive-bys to conduct.


Nice To Meet You, I’m Your Wife


My husband has morphed into a new person when it comes to eating.

Have I told you that D is a vegetarian? Going on 13 years now…no meat, pork or chicken. It’s pretty impressive, considering he grew up in a major red-meat-eating state. I’m not a vegetarian, but I probably eat less meat than most due to the fact that we eat the same dinner almost every night.

I have to admit, when the weather gets a little cooler, I secretly wish I could make yummy pot roast and all things crock pot. We have one, but it has been gathering dust since we received it as a gift two years ago.

My wish may come true very soon.

One night while in Cabo, my family decided to cook steaks out by the pool. I, of course, wasn’t part of this lovely dinner. No, I was stuck inside while E. Coli bacteria shot out of my ass and mouth simultaneously. Good times.

When Dustin checked on me in my personal temple of doom, he told me he was thinking about trying some steak. “EXCUSE ME? Did I hear you right or has the dehydration caused me to hallucinate? You want to eat STEAK? The bloody carcass of a cow? That gave you such digestive problems? Huh?”

He told me yes and disappeared into the mexican night. Of course, I had nothing better to do than over-analyze this sudden change of behavior while sitting on the pot.

Possible causes:
1) He is now a father, and fathers eat beef ’cause they’re manly men.
2) Since his wife was spewing all day, he figured he could make himself ill and spend some quality time together in the john.
3) He was feeling left out considering my family LOVES the beefs.
4) This is the start of early-onset dementia.

I don’t know what it was, but he came into the room after dinner, plopped on the bed and described in vivid detail how amazing his palm-sized steak (PALM-SIZED! NOT JUST ONE BITE! LIKE 6 OR 7 BITES!) was.

And no gastric distress was involved. I was forced to cry in the temple of doom all by myself.

Last night, we ordered pizza and a salad from CPK. I did my normal ordering, pepperoni for me, cheese for him, salad with the bacon on the side, blahblahblah. As I sat on the couch eating my salad, D sauntered in with a handful of bacon- just munching away. And then, for the kicker, he ate a piece of pepperoni pizza.

Let’s tally this up- steak, bacon AND pepperoni in less than two weeks. And we’re planning on a Rachael Ray Bacon Wrapped Tenderloin soon.

Anybody got any non-vegetarian crock pot recipes?


Stats Smhats


I’m not really into whoorl’s stats. I check them maybe twice a month- just to see a top-level overview of how many people are visiting. This behavior is quite baffling, considering I am one of the most analytical people on the planet. It must be my way of keeping afloat above the black hole of stats obsession. I can see it now- a twitchy recluse hiding out in my dark closet, only the laptop’s glow illuminating my face. Yes, statcounter has THAT kind of power.

I took some time this weekend to delve a little deeper, mainly due to the incessant emails I have been receiving this past week informing me that YOU ARE AT THE BANDWIDTH LIMIT. PLEASE CONTACT SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR IMMEDIATELY. Which I totally read out loud in a robot voice everytime I receive one. I AM A BANDWIDTH ROBOT HERE TO DESTROY YOU AND YOUR MAKER.

Bandwidth limit? Are you kidding me? I remember last year, yelling to D, “OH MY GAH! 15 people added me to their favorites this month! DOUBLE WOOT!”

I guess things have changed. And I’m pleasantly surprised! And maybe a little confused. Ok, and a teensy-weensy freaked out.

But as Bruce Almighty would say, it’s good. It’s good. It’s guhhhhd.

However, I now have to pump a little more money into this endeavor to support the bandwidth issue. I think you know where I’m going with this…

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