Maternity Leave – Day One


Well, well. Hello there.


What to do, what to do, what to do.

It’s 8:08 on Monday morning and I already don’t know what to do with myself.

It’s really peculiar not having to work. Even though my job is based from home, I still have to put on a suit (which lately has been a short sleeve blouse and the only skirt left that fits EVERYDAY), get in my company car and go to work.

Now, not so much.

And of course, being the uber-planning types, D and I have completed nearly everything for the baby. Down to the slightest of details. I mean, D even goo-goned the DON’T REMOVE stickers off the car seat and I completed a list of things that we need to pack in the hospital bag that we currently can’t pack in the hospital bag because we are using them. And it’s color-coded by importance.

I’m just shitting ya. It’s not color-coded.

Or is it?

Basically, we’re ready to roll, people.

So last night, I made a little list of remaining tasks before Whoorlito makes his grand appearance.

1) Go to Target (of course I forgot a couple items during my trip yesterday- see below)
2) Urban Outfitters – cute tops that might work well for breastfeeding.
3) Finish washing baby clothes, baby sheets, baby blankets, baby everything.
4) Install car seat, which was previously installed, but I had to get the car detailed.
5) Buy nursing sleep bras. (YES, I know. Don’t buy the real things until the milk comes in.)

This is how the list looks as of 8:18 this morning.

1) Target – bought items online last night. CHECK.
2) Urban Outfitters – still need to go, thank jebus for getting me out of this hot house.
3) Laundry – finishing last load as I type this. CHECK.
4) Car seat – D will put it back in this morning.
5) Nursing bras – did hours of research this weekend – bought online. CHECK.

Maternity leave is so fun. Oh, I know. I should enjoy this time off, go to the beach, take long walks, etc. But it’s so hot outside! The beach looks miserable, the swamp-ass kicks in on my walks, I don’t enjoy watching television during the day, and I am trying to limit the radiation that is permeating my baby’s head while I type on this laptop. So, that’s that.

Moving along.

Let’s talk about stupid people. Yesterday at Target, D and I were minding our own business, pushing our rinky-dink cart around, when we stopped to grab some shaving cream. We pushed our cart up against one of the partitions and walked over to the aisle. After we picked out the shaving cream (which took several minutes because D had to read every single label and then wonder why a certain FOAM shaving cream had been pulled off the market- is it because of the environment? Cutting Costs? Why is foam so different from gel? He hates the gel! OH SWEET LORD, JUST PICK ONE!), we headed back to the cart.

Hmmm, no cart. Where was our cart? We looked up and down the aisles, couldn’t find the cart, but we did notice that another cart was sitting right next to the scene of the crime. And it hadn’t been moved or touched in about 10 minutes. Some lame-ass idiot had taken our cart. And before you assume I am being too judgmental regarding the lame-ass idiot, let me explain what was in the two carts.

3 packages of floss

Gigantic economy package of toilet paper
2 4-foot tall mops
Assorted snacks
A bunch of crap
ANNNNDDD, the lame-ass idiot’s el-cheapo fake leather purse was sitting in it!

C’mon people. I understand a little cart mix-up now and again, but these two carts could not have looked any more different. And the purse! HELLO.

We grabbed a new cart and started over. Twenty minutes later, I looked down that aisle and it was STILL SITTING THERE. Some mindless boob was walking around with our kidnapped floss and lotion, not even realizing she was missing her purse (I assume containing her belongings and money), her mops and her 5,000 other items.

I tend to belong to the camp that believes people can’t possibly be that inept. Which then forces me to believe these people are purposefully trying to ruin my day. You know, the ones at the mall that stop directly in your line of movement to look around or grab something out of their purse (um, yeah. FUCKING MOVE). Those people are sooo doing that on purpose. Trying to take me down with them.

But this Target event challenged my beliefs a little. People really are THAT inept. Very sad. I wonder if she ever figured it out…probably when she got to the front of the packed check-out line and realized her purse was missing. Thus forcing everyone else in line to wait for her to find her damn purse. Wait, so maybe my beliefs haven’t been challenged…that boob WAS out to ruin people’s days.


Shoot Me Now


It’s official – I weigh more than my husband.

Additionally, I am wearing his shorts considering they are the only piece of clothing in this god-forsaken house that fit me.

On a happier note, I am 50% effaced and a “fingertip” dilated. Not much, I know…but it’s a hell of a lot better than last week’s “not effaced AND tightly closed up” observation. Things are a-happening, peeps.

ANNNDDDD tomorrow’s my last day of work. Which is a good thing since my boss made me cry. Awesome.


I’m Breaking Rule #29


Have you seen Tony Pierce’s “Rules for Blogging”? Maliavale posted them earlier this week…

Well, I’m breaking #29 and apologizing for my lack of entries. I am currently working the last week of my job before my maternity leave begins. And I’m swamped.

I’m hoping to have plenty of time for this nonsense next week…I even have a poorly-made video of Whoorlito’s bizarro rocking/dancing antics in my belly. I know you all are waiting with bated breath over there.

Until then, Arrivederci!


Brief Whoorlito Update


I had my first cervical exam this morning and…


nothing has happened. My cervix is tightly closed- it looks like Whoorlito still has some cooking to do.

I was talking to one of my favorite nurses today in an office I call on for work, and I asked her to guess what day Whoorlito would make his arrival. I explained how my “official” due date was August 11th, but all of my 4 ultrasounds had shown a due date of August 5th-7th, which just MUST be more realistic considering the spinny-wheel LMP date is a crock considering I don’t ovulate anywhere near day 14…blah, blah, blah. Do you see where this was going? I was totally priming her for the “Oh, don’t worry, he will definitely come closer to the ultrasound date” response.

Instead, she looked me up and down and with no hesitation said, “August 15th- that baby isn’t coming out anytime soon”.

Thanks a LOT.