Just Skirting By

I just got back from Maternal Diagnostics where my amniotic fluid had dropped from a 5.86 to 5.73, but still above the dreaded 5.0 induction baseline. Thank goodness- I’m just not ready to be induced yet. The printout did show 4 contractions during the test, though.

Oh, and this weekend? The orders to rest and drink fluids? Yeah, that turned into a 9-hour car-shopping bonanza in Los Angeles yesterday. I KNOW! I’M STUPID! But we got a really pretty car! And I drank lots of water!

My next test will be on Thursday morning. Until then, fluids and bonbons on the couch. I PROMISE!

Whoorlito says Ciao!

Master Detective Status Achieved

In what can only be described as pure genius, I have solved Mystery Case Files: Huntsville and now possess the key to the city.

Too bad it’s only 9:00am on Friday and I still have PLENTY of time left until Monday morning.

Well, I guess I can always try to beat my previous time…

…and what’s up with these jackass weathermen repeatedly talking about the “cooldown” on the coast? Those lying sacks of shit said the high today was going to be 73 degrees. Newsflash, my outside thermometer reads 83 degrees at 9:24am in the shade. 9:24 AM PEOPLE! IT’S GOING TO BE AT LEAST 90 TODAY! I’M LOSING MY MIND! IT’S STILL HOT, HUMID and NO BREEZE!

ASSHOLES. It’a a good thing I don’t own a gun.

Whoorlito Update – Will You Give the Gal Some Fluids Already?

I’m back from my 38-week appointment which somehow morphed from an average 45-minute trip to a 4-hour jaunt to Maternal Diagnostics at my hospital.

Phew!

My physician noticed my uterine measurements were a little behind schedule for my due date (aha! – that might explain all of the “your belly is too small to be due that quickly!” comments). That coupled with a slight decrease in Whoorlito’s movements yesterday was all it took for me to be on my merry way over the the hospital. Honestly, I really wasn’t nervous at all- even my practictioner told me the testing was probably overkill, but better to be safe than sorry…

D and I checked into the center where they strapped all the fetal monitors across my belly, and Whoorlito was a champ. Heartrate was perfect, movements were all over the place, and they said everything looked great. They assured me that I had a very healthy baby and that I could go after they gave me a quick ultrasound measuring my amniotic fluid.

Yeah, it seems I don’t have a plethora of that. When they told me I had an Amniotic Fluid Index of 5.86, I said GREAT…wait, what does that mean? They informed me that anything 5.0 or below warranted an immediate trip to Labor and Delivery for an induction.

Excuse me? I was 0.86 somethings away from having a baby TODAY?!? Holy shit on a stick.

Anyway, I am now under orders to literally not do anything until Monday morning when I will be re-tested. That and drink 5,789 gallons of fluid a day. No errands, no leaving the house, etc. Basically, nothing that could make me sweat or lose fluids in the slightest. UM, I live in a town where the average July high temperature is 70 degrees, yet we have seen temperatures in the 90’s for over a week. UM, I don’t have air-conditioning. Walking from the bedroom to the bathroom makes me sweat. Thinking too hard about a subject makes me sweat. Hell, talking on the phone makes me sweat.

This is going to be tougher than I thought.

Plus, SAJ and I had plans to go shopping and zip around town in her super duper stealthy-mobile today! Damn!

If you need me, I will be tucked away in the bedroom with the window unit for the next three days. Party.

WAIT! How about some great news? Whoorlito is 6 pounds, 10 ounces and is the cutest thing I have ever seen. I watched him smile while trying to stuff his entire fist into his mouth repeatedly. That’s my boy.

Detective Whoorl

Well, you would think I would be a posting fool due to my maternity leave and wicked organizational skills.

Sorry, Charlies. I have a new love in my life, and it’s called…wait, what’s it called…oh yeah…Mystery Case Files: Huntsville.

I love you Mystery Case Files: Huntsville. No more maternity leave boredom for me because I am solving crimes, yo. I came upon this earthly delight when I was playing The World Series of Pop Culture on VH1’s gaming website. Which, by the way, SERIOUSLY. I know the answer to every question on that show. I need to be on that show.

I could win that damn show hands-down, and I can’t believe Molly was this close to strutting her stuff in front of the cameras. MOLLY! WHY MUST WE LIVE ON OPPOSITE COASTS? WHY COULDN’T I BE ON YOUR TEAM? WE WOULD HAVE RULED THE POPOSPHERE!

Anyhoo, just gaming on the VH1 website last night (yeah, I’m now officially a “gamer” according to my husband…who most definitely HATES my involvement with Mystery Case Files: Huntsville), and I noticed this game. It’s like a timed Where’s Waldo and jigsaw puzzle combined. I am so in love- I even bought the full version for $19.99.

Check this out, I can’t really go into details because I am a full-on investigator and Huntsville needs me STAT, but this is the deal. You have to find certain items in a seriously-crowded room full of shit.

Here’s what a room looks like…

And another…

And basically, it’s keeping my Whoorlito impatience and boredom at bay. Not to mention, I’m a sleuth*, people. Do you know what that means? Yeah, well I don’t either. But I do know that there are 7 rankings below a sleuth. So um, basically, I’m an astonishing genius. I’m on FUEGO!

Who needs BlogHer when I’ve got the town of Huntsville counting on me?

Oh, so you don’t care so much about Huntsville? You’re just here for Whoorlito? Well, my next Whoorlito appointment is tomorrow morning. Updates will follow IF I can pull myself away from my detective duties. Peace.

*I’ve now been promoted to Shadow Master. How intriguing am I?

Maternity Leave – Day One

Well, well. Hello there.

Hmph.

What to do, what to do, what to do.

It’s 8:08 on Monday morning and I already don’t know what to do with myself.

It’s really peculiar not having to work. Even though my job is based from home, I still have to put on a suit (which lately has been a short sleeve blouse and the only skirt left that fits EVERYDAY), get in my company car and go to work.

Now, not so much.

And of course, being the uber-planning types, D and I have completed nearly everything for the baby. Down to the slightest of details. I mean, D even goo-goned the DON’T REMOVE stickers off the car seat and I completed a list of things that we need to pack in the hospital bag that we currently can’t pack in the hospital bag because we are using them. And it’s color-coded by importance.

I’m just shitting ya. It’s not color-coded.

Or is it?

Basically, we’re ready to roll, people.

So last night, I made a little list of remaining tasks before Whoorlito makes his grand appearance.

1) Go to Target (of course I forgot a couple items during my trip yesterday- see below)
2) Urban Outfitters – cute tops that might work well for breastfeeding.
3) Finish washing baby clothes, baby sheets, baby blankets, baby everything.
4) Install car seat, which was previously installed, but I had to get the car detailed.
5) Buy nursing sleep bras. (YES, I know. Don’t buy the real things until the milk comes in.)

This is how the list looks as of 8:18 this morning.

1) Target – bought items online last night. CHECK.
2) Urban Outfitters – still need to go, thank jebus for getting me out of this hot house.
3) Laundry – finishing last load as I type this. CHECK.
4) Car seat – D will put it back in this morning.
5) Nursing bras – did hours of research this weekend – bought online. CHECK.

Maternity leave is so fun. Oh, I know. I should enjoy this time off, go to the beach, take long walks, etc. But it’s so hot outside! The beach looks miserable, the swamp-ass kicks in on my walks, I don’t enjoy watching television during the day, and I am trying to limit the radiation that is permeating my baby’s head while I type on this laptop. So, that’s that.

Moving along.

Let’s talk about stupid people. Yesterday at Target, D and I were minding our own business, pushing our rinky-dink cart around, when we stopped to grab some shaving cream. We pushed our cart up against one of the partitions and walked over to the aisle. After we picked out the shaving cream (which took several minutes because D had to read every single label and then wonder why a certain FOAM shaving cream had been pulled off the market- is it because of the environment? Cutting Costs? Why is foam so different from gel? He hates the gel! OH SWEET LORD, JUST PICK ONE!), we headed back to the cart.

Hmmm, no cart. Where was our cart? We looked up and down the aisles, couldn’t find the cart, but we did notice that another cart was sitting right next to the scene of the crime. And it hadn’t been moved or touched in about 10 minutes. Some lame-ass idiot had taken our cart. And before you assume I am being too judgmental regarding the lame-ass idiot, let me explain what was in the two carts.

OUR CART:
3 packages of floss
Toothpaste
Soap
Lotion

LAME-ASS IDIOT’S CART:
Gigantic economy package of toilet paper
2 4-foot tall mops
Assorted snacks
A bunch of crap
ANNNNDDD, the lame-ass idiot’s el-cheapo fake leather purse was sitting in it!

C’mon people. I understand a little cart mix-up now and again, but these two carts could not have looked any more different. And the purse! HELLO.

We grabbed a new cart and started over. Twenty minutes later, I looked down that aisle and it was STILL SITTING THERE. Some mindless boob was walking around with our kidnapped floss and lotion, not even realizing she was missing her purse (I assume containing her belongings and money), her mops and her 5,000 other items.

I tend to belong to the camp that believes people can’t possibly be that inept. Which then forces me to believe these people are purposefully trying to ruin my day. You know, the ones at the mall that stop directly in your line of movement to look around or grab something out of their purse (um, yeah. FUCKING MOVE). Those people are sooo doing that on purpose. Trying to take me down with them.

But this Target event challenged my beliefs a little. People really are THAT inept. Very sad. I wonder if she ever figured it out…probably when she got to the front of the packed check-out line and realized her purse was missing. Thus forcing everyone else in line to wait for her to find her damn purse. Wait, so maybe my beliefs haven’t been challenged…that boob WAS out to ruin people’s days.

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