Shitty Attitudes For Everyone!


I’m hot. And tired. And annoyed.

I contemplated not writing this until my body temperature cooled off a little, but I have now realized my body temperature is NEVER going to cool down until I have this baby. Which really aggravates me to no end. I’m the cold-natured girl! I’ve never had this problem before…the heat-induced crankiness is beginning and people should be very afraid.

Just today, three people commented on my “pregnant glow” while working. Um, pregnant glow my ass. If you call a complete meltdown with a double-dose of swamp ass a “glow”, more power to ya. Too much information? Well, you try getting in and out of your car 20 times a day, lugging around a bag full of drugs (IN A SUIT MIND YOU) in 90-degree inland California weather. I’m not sure how much longer I can endure my job. Talk about the proverbial “bun in the oven”…whoorlito is literally being cooked in my stomach.

Unfortunately, returning home from work doesn’t remedy the problem. Our house, like 90% of the homes in my neighborhood, doesn’t have air-conditioning. Consider it one of the perks of living by the water- the sweet ocean breeze cools everything down all of the time! Our utility bills are never more than $20 a month! It’s beautiful and amazing out here!

Well, it’s beautiful for 10 months out of the year, but summer can be a different story. Luckily, we have “June gloom”, which is caused by a foggy marine layer that hovers over the coast for 3-4 weeks, keeping it very cool around here. But of course, the ONE SUMMER I’m pregnant, the marine layer swept in early and has now run its course (we think…I’m still holding out hope).

I have to add a disclaimer, though. I am fully aware that 83 degrees with low humidity is downright lovely summer weather according to average American terms. I grew up in Oklahoma where the heat index soared into the 110’s during the summer. Have you ever flown into Oklahoma during the summer? It is quite possibly the ugliest city to view from the sky. Everything is brown because everything is DEAD. The grass doesn’t even survive the summers. It’s horrible. But everyone has air-conditioning in Oklahoma, so as crap-ass as it is outside, you can always hide out in your cool house.

Coastal California? Not so much. And you all, IT’S NOT THAT HOT OUTSIDE! People are performing acrobatics due to the beautiful weather. But I’m hot. So hot I want to cry. Buckets of tears.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to cut off a pair of my pajama pants and eat a popsicle.

Stay tuned for an endless bad attitude! Tomorrow’s subject: the job that is kicking my pregnant ass.

**UPDATE- this was written yesterday. It is now 7:44am and I am officially not hot this very second. I am actually wearing fleece. The sky is overcast. I looked out my kitchen window and saw these new blooms. Which means there is a slight chance of my shitty attitude improving.


Memorial Day Meme


Stolen from Sizzle. I had to when I saw #13. Once again, I feel compelled to tell you how much I love chocolate milk.

1. What curse word do you use the most?
Shit, but it barely squeezes past Fuck.
2. Do you own an iPod? Two.
3. Who on your MySpace “Top 8” do you talk to the most? MySpace is a breeding ground for psychopaths.
4. What time is your alarm clock set for? I don’t have one. I wake up between 6 and 7 every morning.
5. What color is your room? The room I am currently sitting in? Sweet Buttercream (as my husband just called it in a fake southern accent).
6. Flip-flops or sneakers? Rainbow flip-flops. A Southern California tradition.
7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? In it.
8. What’s the last movie you watched? The last DVD I watched was 24: Season 2.
9. Do any of your friends have children? Yes, lots of kiddos.
10. Has anyone ever called you lazy? Not to my face.
11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? Never.
12. What CD is currently in your CD player? My iPod is on shuffle and is currently playing You Part The Waters by Cake.
13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? Oh my. Do I love me some chocolate milk these days. But technically, I enjoy 1% milk with Hershey’s Syrup. YUM.
14. Has anyone told you a secret this week? Yes.
15. Have you ever given someone a hickey? Yes.
16. Who was the last person to call you? My sister.
17. Do you think people talk about you behind your back? Of course.
18. Did you watch cartoons as a child? Hell yes. Scooby Doo! Tom and Jerry!
19. How many siblings do you have? One sexay sister.
20. Are you shy around the opposite sex? Not usually. I was when I met my husband.
21. What movie do you know every line to? When Harry Met Sally, Raising Arizona, Dazed and Confused, Singles and Mr. Mom (you want some chili?)
22. Do you own any band t-shirts? I used to have a Monkees t-shirt that my aunt had autographed for me when I was about 12. I nearly shit my pants when she gave it to me. The obsession with Peter Tork was borderline hysterical. Yes, this man. Huh?
23. What is your favorite salad dressing? Blue cheese.
24. Do you read for fun? Yes, but not as much as I used to since I spend all of my free time reading your blogs.
25. Do you cry a lot? Nope, unless it’s baby-related. So, yes. Yes, I do.
26. Who was the last person to text message you? My hilarious boss.
27. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? Laptop.
28. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo? No, I already have 1.5 tattoos(one has been partially removed).
29. What is the weather like? Bright, sunny and warm.
30. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? I have twice. Not covered though, maybe they had about 10 or so. Actually, I wouldn’t necessarily call one of them dating…one was a bouncer I befriended in college who turned out to be quite the stalker.
31. Is sex before marriage wrong? Like Sizzle said, you gotta test the merch!
32. When was the last time you slept on the floor? I can’t even remember.
33. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? I usually get around 8-9 a night, but since Whoorlito has decided his new playtime is between 2 and 4:30am, the number has decreased to about 6. And by the way, is this really going to last for the next 10 weeks? Because I’m pretty sure this is the time that I’m supposed to “get all the sleep I can” before the baby comes. Whatever.
34. Are you in love or lust? Both.
35. Are your days full and fast-paced? Not really.
36. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? No.
37. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 32.
38. Are you picky about spelling and grammar? Yes b/c spelling and grammer is super impoertant.
39. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Of course! Six Flags over Texas, baby.
40. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex? Both, but men are much easier to be around. It’s a sports thing.
41. Do you like cottage cheese? Yes, with a little bit of curry powder on top.
42. Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? My side.
43. Have you ever bid for something on eBay? Too many to count. I’m a 7-second swooper supreme.
44. Do you enjoy giving hugs? Only to close friends and family. Germs, people.
45. What song did you last sing out loud? Drive Thru, by The Hosty Duo.
46. What is your favorite TV show? Barefoot Contessa.
47. Which celebrity, dead or alive, would you want to have lunch with? This changes on a daily basis. Today, it would be John Cusack.
48. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach? Yesterday I experienced some modified butterflies in the stomach.
49. What one thing do you wish you had? A private plane, so I could visit my family whenever I wanted.
50. Favorite lyrics? Everyboby Here Wants You, Jeff Buckley.


A Couple of Things Addendum


In the last eight hours…

1. Sometimes, even though the ocean breezes have perfectly cooled your bedroom, you will wake up at 11:50pm completely dripping in sweat thus being forced to take your pajama pants off and sleep with your legs touching. Gross.

2. It is a very sad day when you wake up at 5:50 in the morning starving for your daily bowl of Special K Protein Plus only to realize your husband drank the last of the milk the night before. Sweet lord, the tears.

3. While still daydreaming about milk, your husband reads an email to you from his workplace stating there are Dunkin Donuts in the break room. Unfortunately, your husband’s office is in Chicago. 2026 miles away. Sometimes, although very rarely, working remotely can suck. Like right now.


Just a couple of things…


I’ve learned during the trials and tribulations of being knocked up.*

1. People are generally way nicer to you. It took me a while longer than most to experience this rule firsthand due to the belly that refused to pop out for eons. But it’s here now, so please, dote on me if you wish.

2. I read somewhere that there are three times in a woman’s life when they have more “emotional difficulty” than usual- puberty, pregnancy and menopause. I couldn’t disagree more…these past 7 months have been very calming for me. Although I’ve had my moments, my anxiety levels have plummeted. Of course, this doesn’t mean that my feelings aren’t completely hurt that my husband STILL hasn’t used the Nikon D70 that I bought him for Christmas. It’s fine, honey. I’ll just go take a dip in the ocean…don’t mind these concrete blocks tied to my ankles.

3. Having a long torso is incredibly helpful when you are pregnant; however, this does not mean you should attempt trying on your size 2 business suits when you are 7 months along. Not necessary. Really.

4. Progesterone is my best friend. It is the hormone responsible for the slowing of the GI tract during pregnancy, which pisses most pregnant women off due to the whole constipation issue. However, being a woman on the complete other end of the spectrum, progesterone has made my GI tract behave normally. This means I can down half a bottle of Tapatio sauce and not end up racing to the nearest toilet like my pre-pregnancy days. I love me some Tapatio.

5. Bikini waxes hurt a trillion times more when you are pregnant.

6. What’s up with the slowing of the hair growth on my legs? Could I be dreaming? It’s a beautiful thing.

7. Naps are key. And to all the pregnant moms taking care of toddlers out there, you deserve a huge shiny trophy and a trip to the Bahamas. I don’t know how you do it ’cause this gal is TI. RED.

8. The gestational diabetes test sucks donkey balls.

9. There is no need to worry about my J. Crew addiction screeching to a halt due to lack of maternity wear. I can still buy these and these and this and this. Oh, and whoorlito, I know it will be a couple of years, but have you seen this?

10. Chocolate milk, you complete me.

*specific to my own experience, of course.