Wondering…

9

Why every time I pick up The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy to look up a specific question, the subject is never listed in the index?

Girlfriend, you aren’t helping me out at all.



COMMENTS (9)

How did THAT happen?

12

This weekend was chock-full of pregnancy-related clumsiness. I think I dropped items/tripped/ran into various pieces of furniture about 53 times. And as much as I luh-huve my husband, he has that uncanny ability to totally piss me off when these events occur. His favorite question is “How did THAT happen?” and I’m pretty sure the utterance of this phrase over the weekend outnumbered Jon Stewart’s cracks on the Three 6 Mafia last night during the Oscars.

Case In Point #1- Saturday, 9:00am

D – I think I’m going to make a fried egg on an English muffin. How does that sound to you?

W- YUMMY! Yes, I want one- thanks, honey.

(D makes his egg and puts his English muffin in the toaster oven. Which by the way, Mr. Toaster Oven-Inventor, you rock the casbah.)

W- Why don’t you eat yours while it’s hot, and I will make my own.

D- Ok, thanks.

(cue I Love Lucy theme song – I attempt to grab an egg, but the shell is literally adhered to the egg carton. As I try to remove it, the shell cracks and yolk flies everywhere, including over the carton and other eggs)

W- SHIT FUCK FUCKERSON! DAMN IT!

D- (looking oh-so-condescending) Hmmm, how did THAT happen?

W- I DON’T KNOW! THE SHELL WAS STUCK TO THE CARTON! I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT! YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME? LOOK! I CAN’T GET THE REMAINING SHELL OUT! DO YOU SEE? HUH?

D- Uh, ok. Relax.

W- Ok, moving along. Oh look, this egg pops out so easily. Why did I have to pick the shitty egg? Why is my life so unlucky? WHHHYYYYYY?

(I start to fry the egg, put my English muffin in the toaster oven, and proceed to clean out the egg carton and remaining eggs)

D- What’s that smell? Is something burning?

(English muffin is literally on fire in the toaster oven)

W- DAMMIT!

D- Hmmm, how did THAT happen?

W- I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! I PUT IT IN THE TOASTER ON THE NORMAL SETTING AND POOF, IT CATCHES FIRE! YOU ACT LIKE I DO THIS SHIT ON PURPOSE!

D- Well, it is kind of odd…and by the way, you really should try to cut back on your cussing. We have a baby on the way.

W- I HATE YOU!

D- I think I am going to eat my breakfast in the other room…

W- FINE!

Case In Point #2 – Saturday, 2:30pm

(I attempt to pull the mega-jar of green olives out of the refrigerator and drop it on the travertine floor)

BAM!

D- What was that?

W- Uh, I tried to get the olives out of the fridge and they fell on the floor.

D- Hmmm, how did THAT happen? Did they break?

W- I don’t know…they were slippery? The jar is fine. Sorry.

D- Yep.

Case In Point #3 – Sunday, 3:00pm

(we are putting clean sheets on the bed in lovely married fashion, although I’m not allowed to put the pillowcases on D’s pillows because I don’t do it the proper way. Don’t ask.)

BAM! (Direct TV remote control falls on the wood floor and breaks apart)

D- What was that?

W- I dropped the remote on the floor.

D- Hmmm, how did THAT happen?

W- (sighing a defeated sigh) Dude, I don’t know. Suck a fat one. I’m going to watch the Oscars.



COMMENTS (12)

Whoorlito Update

16

We had our 18-week ultrasound yesterday afternoon, and whoorlito is doing excellent. Heart looks good, organs look good, bacon tastes goood, pork chops taste goood, etc. But the boy just wasn’t cooperating! He was beyond camera shy- all curled up, facing away from the ultrasound wand. Now, that is NOT indicative of my child. Maybe D’s child, but not mine.

Remember these ultrasound photos from 5 weeks ago?

Hello, there! Please take a gander at my darling profile. Have you seen my cute button nose? What about my cute belly? DAMN, I’M CUTE AND COZY!

profile_whoorlito.jpg

Oh, wait…you’re interested in my gender? Well, let me spread my legs as wide as possible so you can check out my package. How’s that for a hot dog? I’M PACKING HEAT!

weinus_whoorlito.jpg

Naturally, when we had our appointment yesterday, we assumed whoorlito would be performing circus stunts for our viewing pleasure. Not so much. He must have been tired out from the Chipotle spicy salsa I made him eat for lunch. It took the ultrasound tech about 15 minutes to get a clear shot of his genitals to confirm the sex. He just would NOT open his legs to ensure the money shot. So freaking STUBBORN…wait, maybe he does take after his mom…

Finally, the legs parted, we confirmed it was a boy, and tried desperately to get a decent shot of his face/profile.

This was the best shot of the day.

whoorlito17w3d.jpg

What’s that you ask? Hell if I know. Nah, actually it’s his precious yet alien-like face. I annotated to help out a little…

whoorlito17w3d_an.jpg

GREETINGS OCEANIC FLIGHT 815 SURVIVORS, I COME FROM THE DHARMA INITIATIVE TO EAT YOUR YOUNG. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO MY ALIEN EYES OR I WILL TURN YOU INTO HOMOSAPIEN MUSH WITH ONE GAZE. MWAHH HAHAAAAA.

I guess what surprised me the most was his bone formation and size. The spine was incredible- you could see every little vertebrae. To think that just a month ago, he was pretty much a squishy cupie doll. And when the tech showed me his physical location in my stomach, with the head being on the lower left side of my abdomen and his feet ALL THE WAY OVER on the upper right side of my abdomen, I realized that this is really happening. And it blew me away. I can’t wait to meet this little man.

It’s official- a little belly has formed.

17weekbelly.jpg



COMMENTS (16)

Mmm Mmm Good

2

frankenberry.JPG

If anyone had a childhood addiction to FrankenBerry Cereal, I highly recommend running, not walking (walking is for SISSIES), to the grocery store and picking up some Strawberry Yogurt Burst Cheerios. They taste exactly the same, but without the scary hyperactive sugar high. You can thank me later.

Unless, of course, you freaks enjoy the scary hyperactive sugar high. You do, don’t you?



COMMENTS (2)