Holidays in Southern California suck. I can’t get into the mood! Freaking ocean breezes, sunny skies and palm trees everywhere I look. I’m not trying to complain- I love our weather 11 months out of the year. It’s still in the upper 60’s/lower 70’s and sunny everyday. I’m just trying to find a solution for my lack of holiday cheer.
This is my second Christmas in California- last year, I don’t think I even noticed because I was still consumed with the after-effects of my wedding. This year, I’m bored. So I sit at my computer and read blogs about first snows and hot chocolate. Bullshit! People get to wear their darling cashmere and wool turtlenecks while mine gather dust in a storage bin on top of my closet. I have cute sweaters, people! I want to wear them! The travesty.
To make matters worse, I’m allergic to Christmas trees. D wants to get a Ficus Lyrata and decorate it with lights. Huh? I want to SMELL my Christmas tree…that’s the whole point, and I don’t know what in the hell a ficus plant smells like. Here’s a mock-up…does this look Christmasy to you?
Thankfully, I found a 24-hour holiday music radio station yesterday. It’s a good thing…I spend all day driving around (with the A/C on, of course) singing at the top of my lungs. Yesterday, I did a lovely rendition of The Little Drummer Boy. ParRUMPADUMDUM, RUMPADUMDUM, RUMPADUMDUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. But have you heard all of the new Christmas music out there? I’m not a fan. Give me Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby or Johnny Mathis anyday over those poptarts. Jessica Simpson singing “Santa Baby”? Please SHUT UP, you stupid whorebag. Maybe you should spend more time trying to save your marriage and less time butchering Christmas classics.
Earlier this week, a helicopter was flying over my neighborhood with some dude yelling “Merry Christmas! HO, HO,HO!” through a bullhorn. What’s up with that? Were they trying to spread Christmas cheer? Quite frankly, it scared the shit out of me. I thought we were being invaded by terrorists and took cover under my desk. Bah humbug.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though. Two weeks from today I will be visiting my family where it is cold and (fingers-crossed) snowy. Hot chocolate! Turtlenecks! Rosy cheeks! I can’t wait. And I’m sure after spending 24 hours there, I will be whining that it’s too cold and I want to go back to California.
Ahhh, the joys of Christmas.