I’m In a Great Mood – I Swear!

9

Isn’t it strange how your personal quirks can manifest in the most unlikely of places? I’m definitely a first-born, Type A personality. Most of it is internalized- I spend an exorbitant amount of energy trying not to project my unreasonably high expectations on people around me, but through the act of suppressing such issues some just pop up in the most seemingly benign situations…blah, blah, blah. Oh, fuck it. Some things just really bug the shit out of me.

Thus, I present to you Whoorl’s Ten Make-My-World-A-Better-Place Commandments.

1) Thou shalt not eat from the fast food bag until the final destination has been reached.
Yes, that means not even ONE french fry, by God. Have some self-control, people!*

2) Thou shalt not engage in storytelling while driving if it hinders your ability to get from Point A to Point B effectively.
It’s called multi-tasking. Women have been doing it for centuries.

3) Thou shalt stay to the right of the escalator or moving airport thingy so the people in a hurry can pass.

4) Thou shalt respect people’s schedules.
Please don’t leave for an appointment three minutes before you’re expected to be there, arrive late and blame it on traffic. We ALL deal with traffic- how do you think I got here? You know who you are.

5) Thou shalt not be a Sunday Driver.
Get out of the way, Gramps!

6) Thou shalt not invade my personal space standing in line at the grocery store.
You aren’t going to get through the line any faster just because you are breathing down my neck. BACK OFF.

7) Thou shalt only call me on the telephone with relatively important information.
I’m sorry peeps, but I hate the talking on the phone! How many more times do I have to say it?

8) Thou shalt not use your armest AND the armrest of the middle seat on an airplane.
To the gentleman on my right, I am well aware that you are a tall drink of water. To the gentleman on my left, I am well aware that you are 300 pounds. I am also well aware that I am petite. However, that doesn’t mean you can monopolize all of the armrests in the row. And while I have your attention, quit staring at me, my magazine and trying to buy me wine. Thanks a million.

9) Thou shalt not call to tell me I probably shouldn’t say ‘fuck’ on my website since you sent my link to my god-fearing Southern Baptist grandmother, causing me severe acute hypertension, only to tell me you are joking.
NOT FUNNY DAD! BISHOP STU TU IS BANNED FROM THIS BLOG!

10) This is my rotational commandment spot for future annoyances.

* actually, I’m far more concerned with you stealing my fries.



COMMENTS (9)

Totally Bizarre

3

I bet you can’t eat 5 saltine crackers in one minute.

Seriously, I double-dog dare you.



COMMENTS (3)

Countdown To Performance Art – Fall 2005 Edition

6

6 hours until my little sister will be in my presence for an entire week. In preparation, I’m charging up the camera, resting my liver and stretching my limbs. What shall our Fall Edition of Performance Art entail? The Summer Edition was Karaoke, so that’s out. I’m up for suggestions- I have been throwing around the possibility of an interpretive dance celebrating the vocal stylings of “It Takes Two” by DJ Rob Base.

Also, her husband, The Magnate, will be joining us this Thursday. Oh, the fun to be had.

I’m far too excited to write anything else at this moment- enjoy your Monday!



COMMENTS (6)

Sea Lions Gone Wild!

5

I’ve lived in 5 cities during the past decade. Major cities, not-so-major cites, urban high-crime areas and run-of-the-mill suburbia. I’ve experienced tornadoes, rough winters, droughts, major floods, you name it.

Never did I think that this would be our most pressing problem.



COMMENTS (5)